You know those times when you're trying to learn something, and it just won't sink into your thick skull until you hammer it in over and over? No? Maybe it's just me. (I doubt it though if we're all being really honest). I think sometimes in our Christian lives we all have periods where we are trying with all good intentions to trust God with something, when in reality we are really still clinging to it like our lives depend on it. We say "I trust you God", but our actions and thoughts say otherwise! We're human, so our human minds want to know that everything will be fine so we try to control it. Because, if we control it then we can ensure the outcome is what we want. God doesn't work that way!! He knows what is best for us, and He simply wants us to trust him with that! He has a perfect plan for our lives (Jer 29:11) and He may not always reveal that plan the timing we would like, but His ways are perfect!! God has been teaching me that lesson over and over in my life, and these past few weeks have been somewhat of a turning point! Now I'm not saying I'm perfect or have this mastered by any means, but at least with these situations I think I'm ready to let Him take control and put my faith and trust completely in Him! Let me explain...
Those that know me and/or read my blog know that I have been planning on returning to Uganda in October to minister to more precious kiddos, and see my precious Bobby!! You may also know that my precious nephew, Bryson, was born with some pretty major heart defects and has been quite the tough little guy fighting, and growing big and strong for his next open heart surgery. (If you want to follow his story go here). Well, as you can imagine, I have planned all along to be there for Bryson's next surgery to be there for my sister, and for Bryson, and the rest of my family. I waited for months to book my airfare to Uganda until we had a good idea of when that surgery would be so that it wouldn't interfere with my plans to go to Uganda. Then we heard the surgery was scheduled for August 13th and it was set on the calendar. So, being confident it was no where near my trip I bought my plane tickets and began planning my trip full throttle! Well, long story-short...Bryson's surgery was postponed and rescheduled for October 17th...three days before I return from Uganda. All this time I had been thinking God had worked out all the details for me to be able to go to Uganda and be here for Bryson's surgery, but then this! How could I choose between being here and going there? The first couple days after I got the news I will admit I was pretty torn up about it. I felt completely confused and unsure of what I was supposed to do! I was torn between being here for Bryson's surgery for my family and even selfishly for my own peace of mind, and going to Uganda to see Bobby and return to that land that hold part of my heart! I was clinging to my own human desires and way of thinking and not trusting that God had a bigger plan! I finally just got to my knees...I prayed, I cried, I prayed some more, I asked why, I cried again, and then I just gave it all Up!! I asked God to make it clear what I should do! I sought wise counsel from a few dear friends, I dug into the Word, and continued to pray! And then I read When you hit a wall of rejection, a blog by Sharon Jaynes that I just "happened" to stumble upon one night when I was praying for direction. Here is an excerpt:
"At some point in your life, someone whose opinion matters might tell you that you are not 'fit to sail.' Someone may deny you passage on the ship that you know was meant for you...You might even stand on the dock of your precisely prepared hopes and dreams and watch as your friends get on the ship without you. And if that happens, you will have a choice. You can give up and go home. Or you can do what you need to do to get on board. You can take a cab, take a plane, take a bus, take a ferry, and do whatever you need to do to get on the ship God has sitting in the dock for you...Pressing on in the shadow of rejection is hard. Going home is easier. But it is those who persist in the shadow of disappointment that experience the sweetness of success."
I immediately sensed God saying "GO! Trust me with the rest, and Go!", but I still felt so uneasy about leaving and possibly not being here for the surgery! How can I be so far away knowing my precious nephew I adore is having open heart surgery? How can I be so far away and not be there for my sister on probably one of the scariest days of her life? But I continued to sense God asking me to trust Him and continue with my plans to go. And then a conversation with my sister confirmed it even more, she gave me full support and understanding and told me to go. So, with a little hesitation, I confirmed my trip with the leaders, and paid off my final payment for the trip. There is still an option to change some flights and come back a few days early, but my sister convinced me wait to do that until closer to the date just in case things get changed again. Through a lot of prayer, devotions, digging into the Word, and some more wise counsel from dear friends I began to really just sense God to ask me to just completely TRUST HIM with Bryson and the surgery!! I realized that me wanting to be here was in a way telling God I didn't trust him completely and wanted to control that part myself! I still would love to be here for my family as support, but they are all being completely supportive and understanding! I read this on Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience: "We see only a sliver of the sum. We cannot see how the bad might be good. God is sovereign and He is good and He sees and work all things together for good." So, even though I don't know what is going to happen down the road, how this will all play out, and why all of this has happened, God does!! God keeps giving me circumstances where all I can do is trust Him! When he wants to teach us something He will continue to hammer it through our thick skulls until we get it!! God is continuing to whisper in my ear every day "Trust Me! I've got this!" So, Trust I will...God's got this people!! God's got your life too!! He's got it all!! All He asks of us is to Trust HIM!!!
