A new year...

As I reflect on the past year I am amazed at how God has molded me and shaped me! Even reading through old blog posts I'm a little amazed that it was really me who wrote them. There is a maturity in some of them I wondered if I would ever have. God has shaped my heart and laid a passion on it for Uganda and Africa I never would have dreamed. Even just a year ago if you would have asked me if I would ever go to Africa I would have said no way. I never dreamed I would go to Africa, let alone fall completely in love with a country and the people there so much I am still looking and praying for any opportunity to go back! I have learned so much about the faithfulness of God and His provision for our lives! I have fallen in love with God in a way I never have before, and I have learned so much about what being in true relationship with Him means. I'm still not anywhere near perfect and know I won't ever be, but I am learning each day to give myself over to Him and His purposes and He can do the rest. There are so many things I have to look forward to in the coming year, but for the first time ever, I think, I am actually kind of sad to see 2012 go because of all the things I've done and learned! However, I also know you can't live in the past so I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in 2013 with great anticipation! I know it will be a year of joy welcoming a new baby into our family and me personally getting to be an aunt! But I also know it could be a year of challenges and even possible disappointments because of where I know God is already leading me. I will step ahead in faith though and continue to look forward to everything that will come my way. I will meet each bump in the road the best I can and turn to Him for guidance when I fall. I am so excited to see where God leads and I am looking forward to the adventure! Bring it on 2013!!

Missing Uganda

It has been almost two months since I returned from Uganda. One might think that as the time goes by the pain of missing that beautiful country and the precious people I left behind there would lessen. However, I miss it now nearly two months later as much as I ever have. I'm not as "emotional" as I was in the beginning, but it is a deeper more raw aching that I feel deep in my heart.  I am not a parent so I can't know for sure but I literally feel as though I left my very own children there! There are two precious little ones that my heart longs for and aches to be near. I love them with the kind of love I imagine a mother feels for her own children. I only hope and pray we will be reunited in Uganda one day sooner rather than later, but that is all up to God. Until then I will continue to pray for them and their caregivers, and pray for guidance and discernment for myself! I would appreciate my friends and family praying for the same!

Ekubo--10,000 Reasons to Give this year!!

Friends, Family, and Strangers...Let me share with you about an amazing ministry I was blessed to visit and be part of during my recent trip to Uganda.  Ekubo Ministries is an amazing ministry started by two very amazing people that blesses hundreds and hundreds of children and their surrounding community.  Christie and George Magera started Ekubo, and they are two of the most sacrificial, giving, loving, faith filled people I have ever met! 

 

I will let them speak for themselves about part of why they exist: "We exist to share the love of Jesus as we serve orphaned and/or vulnerable children."  The people of Ekubo have the biggest hearts you will ever see, and their love for these children just exudes from them!  They are in the middle of trying to complete their Children's Home so that they can accept and pour Jesus into more children. 

 

 Currently the home is bare bones, and there are still a handful of children living there.  In order to be able to completely finish the home they need about $20,000.  The first $10,000 is to actually finish the structure of the home $5000 for the inside (floors, painting the walls, plumbing, tiling the bathroom, etc.) and $5000 for the outside (outside of building, pit latrine, etc.).  The additional $10,000 is needed to build a security wall around the property to ensure the safety of the children.  Here's the good news!!  Two generous donors have agreed to MATCH up to $5000 EACH. 

 

 So...if Ekubo can raise $10,000 this month these two generous donors will match it and they will have the $20,000 they need to finish the children's home and provide more children with a safe place to stay and be shown the love of Jesus!  Here's where you come in!!  Ekubo also provides men and women of the village with various trades making crafts, jewelry, etc. and they sell these things on their facebook page to raise money for their ministry.  I guarantee this is a legit ministry and these funds go directly into the ministry!  Here's a couple ways you can help donate.  First, you can donate on their blog (http://compassinmyheart.blogspot.com/) and put "Baby Home" in the notes field.  You can also go to their crafts store Here or the jewelry store Here.  The directions on how to order are listed under each picture.  Think that the small amount you can afford to give isn't enough to help?  You're wrong!  Every little bit helps!  Look at this!

 

Just $5 can buy an entire WEEK's worth of cooking oil!!  And remember...every dollar you don't will be doubled during the matching grant.  Just make sure when you pay on paypal you designate in the Notes that your donation is for the Children's Home.  That way it will make sure to be included in the Matching Grant.  Please share this blog with your friends!  Share it on facebook, twitter, or wherever!  The more people that share it, and the more word we get out, the closer they will be to reaching their goal!!  Most importantly please Pray for Christie and George and all the people at Ekubo!  Thank you everyone for sharing and donating!  It will bless sooo many people!  God bless!!

In love...

I used to think I knew what it meant to be in love...but Uganda has taught me the true meaning of being in love!  God revealed Himself to me in ways I never imagined through the hearts and lives of people I barely knew.  I wish I could explain more clearly the ways He showed Himself to me, but I can't really out it into words.  I have always loved God, but for the first time in my life I know what it feels like to really be IN LOVE with HIM!!  It is an amazing feeling and it has taught me how to love others more like Him and how to rely more faithfully on Him and His promises!  I may not know exactly where He is leading or what exactly my future holds, but I do know that with Him anything is possible, and His plan for me is more than I could ever imagine.  I am sure it won't always be easy and there may be times I really want to give up, but I am ready to let Him take the reins!!  I am asking my friends and family to come along side me and pray for His leading and direction in my life, and that I will be able to discern His calling!  Here's to the amazing road ahead!  I love Him and am so excited to see where He leads!!

Homesick...

I have been feeling REALLY homesick tonight...homesick for Uganda and the people there, and that simpler way of life.  Not that life there is simple by any means because I have seen first hand how hard it is there! But, simple in the sense that all you may have is your Faith in God...And THAT is enough!  I miss the way I felt so at home and comfortable there!  I still miss being there so much it hurts!  I even somewhat haphazardly found myself Googling nursing jobs in Uganda tonight...didn't find much though.  I wish sometimes I could just pack up and leave to go back there tomorrow and just stay indefinitely.  But then I realize I would have no way to support myself or pay the bills I still have here.  I would love to be able to just go spend a few months there, but the realistic part of me knows that just isn't really possible for me right now.  I know with God anything is possible but he would literally have to plop thousands of dollars in my lap for that to even begin to be feasible for me.  So, for now I will continue to pray for God's guidance and provision, and continue to be in Uganda in spirit! My heart is there...maybe one day I will be able to reunite with it!

One Less...

I know this is the second post today, but I wanted to post this here.  I made this video to chronicle my trip and sort of show my heart.  I know that God has called me to do my part in the orphan crisis.  I am still learning what that looks like, but I do know that regardless I will do whatever it takes to make sure I can tell as many children I can that they are loved and special, and uniquely created and loved by God.  So...that's why I chose this song...from the first time I heard it I knew I would do whatever I could to make sure there was at least "One Less". 

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com


Song is "One Less" by Matthew West

Perfect timing...

God,

You are amazing, and I never cease to be amazed by the way you do exactly what I need when I need it sometimes.  I was sitting here...in the quiet of  my living room, tv off, just the sound of cars occasionally driving by, a few birds, and the clock my grandfather made ticking in the background...and instead of focusing on You in the stillness my mind started to become very "human".  I let my mind wander and start to think about the future and where you might be leading me...and then doubt, and worry, and fear started to creep in.  I let myself begin to wonder how this could all work, and I started to feel very overwhelmed, and confused.  But then, just when I needed it a dear friend from my trip posted something on our trip web page that I knew was YOU speaking directly to ME!  Here are the words she wrote that spoke to me! 

"Only the Lord! Don't sell Him and His vision for your life short. His plans for you are SO much higher and longer and deeper than you could ever ever imagine.  Our God is not a safe God, His love is scandalous and He'll go to any length to show us this.  That's what I learned today. That I am a judging sinner...that I still doubt the Lord, that I still short change what He's capable of. But man oh man friends. When you step out in faith asking that the Lord prove Himself faithful. HE WILL DO IT. He will do it! Because He longs to show you what a Faithful and Awesome God He truly is."

So, God, I will continue to step out in faith believing that you WILL do it!! And that YOU WILL show me the way and prove Yourself Faithful through it all!!  Thank you, Lord for once again showing me how much you care and want to be part of my life!  Thank you for speaking to little old me!!  Thank you for caring about even the number of hairs on my head, and proving to me time and time again that YOU are ALL I NEED!!! 

Numb...

I have been a lot more "emotionally stable" this week than last.  I am almost starting to feel numb again.  Not numb as in oblivious to my emotions or what I saw and experienced in Uganda, but numb because I miss Uganda and those kids so much I don't think my heart can hurt anymore!  I don't think my eyes can cry anymore tears.  It's easy to put on a brave face and pretend that life goes on, but inside my heart is still breaking!  I have spent the last two weeks working in a pediatric intensive care unit as part of my orientation for my new transport job, and every one of those kids reminds me everyday of the children I met in Uganda!  I don't have my own children (yet) so I realize I can't really know, but I feel almost as if I left I my own children there!  My dreams are filled with images of them, my brain is constantly flooded with memories of them, and I don't know how much more my heart can take knowing I can't be there to tuck a sweet girl into bed at night, play with the kids during their break at school, or rock a sweet baby to sleep!  I want to be there so badly with them I have these fleeting moments of just wanting to drop everything in my life to go back there!  But then reality sets in and I realize I have responsibilities here, a new job I'm starting, and bills to pay.  I want to tell my story and share about all these amazing ministries we visited, but I can't do it at church because it's so big.  I am praying that God will provide an outlet and an audience, but I'm just not sure who that will be or how it will happen.  All I know is my heart continues to ache for Uganda and those children!!

I'm adopted...

I am adopted...yes...it's true. No...probably not in the way you're thinking, but I am adopted. My parents certainly are my biological parents, I have no doubt about that! However, over the past few weeks I've been thinking more and more about adoption and saw first hand some of the most precious children who don't have families, yet know they are loved by a Heavenly Father! I realized that we all have the opportunity to be adopted!! Not legally adopted, but spiritually adopted! We all have the blessing and honor of being welcomed into our Heavenly Father's family as his Adopted Sons and Daughters!! What an amazing privilege it is to be Sons and Daughters of the One True Father!! 

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God" Romans 8:14-16

 

None of us deserve this adoption, but He chooses to love us and welcome us into his family when we accept Him and choose to follow him!

 

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." John 1:12

 

When I went to Uganda I thought I was going to serve the children there, and bless them, but what actually happened is they blessed me!  They served me!   These children who have nothing, many of them not even a family, are filled with joy!  They know their Father in Heaven in a way I may never know, but pray I will someday.  They cling to Him in a way that is almost tangible or visible!  They may not know where their next meal comes from, or if they will ever know the love of a family, but they know the love of their Savior and their Heavenly Father!  These children taught me what it really means to be adopted, and what it really means to have faith like a child!  I went with an open heart to pour out love on those children, and came back with a heart full of the kind of love only a child can give!  I went to pour my heart out to them, and they poured their hearts out to me!!  I thought they needed to be shown the love of God, and they showed me the love of God!!  They showed me what it really is to be called the Children of God!

 

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 1 John 3:1

 

So now what?  What do I do with all this love God has poured out on me?  What do I do with this new understanding of what it means to be adopted and to be a child of God?  I do the only thing I know to do...I fall flat on my face in humility and give over my life to Him!!  I share their stories and become more of an advocate for those precious children who taught me so much!!  Here is one such story:

 

I will never forget the morning we were at Ekisa and a little boy named Zeke, who has Down Syndrome, blessed me in a way I will never forget!  It was into our second week when we went to Ekisa, which is a home specifically for special needs and disabled children.  I was feeling a little numb by that time, not really knowing what emotions to feel if any because of everything I had seen and experienced.  I think as an ICU nurse my body has put in place extra coping mechanisms to protect myself because of the things I see in my everyday life.  Those coping mechanisms are great when I'm in a stressful situation at work, or even in the sad situation of losing a patient.  They help me stay professional, and able to do what I need to do without being an emotional basket case (which those who know me well know I can be a bit emotional at times).  However, in the situation of this trip, those coping mechanisms started to keep me from fully being able to experience this trip because of the way my brain blocked those emotions.  Anyway, the morning we were at Ekisa we were all sitting in a circle talking when Zeke walked into the room.  He went to the middle of the circle and looked around the room at a few of the other members of my team.  He didn't show much emotion, other than maybe being a little perplexed by all these "Muzungus" in the room, and then he did something I can only say was completely a Divine Appointment!  Suddenly out of nowhere he lunged himself at me and wrapped his arms around me in one of the biggest bear hugs I have ever experienced!!  Immediately my eyes welled with tears, and I was overcome with emotion!  It's like that little boy knew I needed that very thing in that very moment!  Zeke showed ME, someone he had never met in his life, an amazing kind of love through that bear hug.  A kind of love I have never in my life experienced, and I have experienced some great love thanks to my amazing family and friends!  It was a kind of love that was completely uninhibited, completely pure, and completely undeserved.  For that brief time it felt like God himself was wrapping me in His arms giving me that bear hug!  Exactly what I needed in that moment!  God showed Himself to me that morning through Zeke in a way I will never be able to fully put into words, but I do know that since that moment I have felt closer to God than I ever have!  So thank you Zeke!  And thank you God for that precious little boy!  I now understand much more clearly the love of my Heavenly Father, and what it feels like to be adopted as His daughter! 

I left my heart in Uganda...

I miss Uganda,

 

 

 

 

the children,
 

 and people!

 

 

 

 I miss all the people I met there so much sometimes it hurts!!  My heart aches for one more sweet hand in mine, one more bear hug, or one more snuggle from a sweet baby.  The people I met there have left a permanent mark on my life, and now there is a huge chunk of my heart still there in Uganda.  I miss those kids, three in particular, so much my heart hurts.  Those three precious children, each in their own way, left a huge impression on my heart and leaving them was like leaving a member of my own family behind.  It still brings tears to my eyes at times just thinking about them.  My heart will never be the same!!

 

Since I returned I have been doing a lot of praying, thinking, more praying, and processing all of this.  God has been molding my heart and has really began to reveal some things to me in the past few days.  One thing God has very CLEARLY been teaching me is that sometimes His plans aren't fully revealed until we take that first STEP OF FAITH.  Visiting Orphans provided us with three devotional books, one for before, during, and after the trip.  Yesterday there was a small passage in the Reflect book that really hit all this home for me.

 

"'God can't steer you if you aren't moving.' Start moving.  Start doing what you think God is calling you to do, and if he wants to change the direction, he will.  But he can't change your direction when you are just sitting there."

 

Then, just to drive it home a little more, a dear friend from my trip encouraged me with the same passage and sweet words.  So...I'm taking that step of faith (more to come on what that is).  I'm ready to give it all to HIM and see where He leads!  In the meantime, that part of my heart will always be in Uganda and with those children!!

My prayer...

Since returning from Uganda, I have been almost at a loss for words to describe how this trip has impacted my life and everything that I was a part of and experienced there.  Transitioning back to "normal" life here in the U.S. has been much more difficult than I ever anticipated.  I want so badly to share everything about this trip, but haven't really known where to start or what to say.  I decided the best place to start is my heart...my journal.  I wrote this prayer about a day and a half after I got back and it describes a lot of what I've been feeling this week.  This is my prayer:

 

"God, my heart hurts!!  I miss Uganda and the amazing people and children I met there so much it hurts!  I miss Ekubo and George and Christie and all those children!  I miss baby Joseph and pray he is getting better and growing stronger everyday!  I miss Sangaalo and I miss Bobby and his sweet smiles and snuggles!  I miss Rose and her huge hugs and beautiful smiles!  I miss all the kids at Canaan and seeing them running to our bus when we returned each day!  I miss it all God and I'm not sure how to go back to "normal" life!  I know this trip has made a huge impact on my life, I'm just not sure what that looks like yet.  I know you are molding my heart and working in me, I am just not totally sure how.  I'm open God, I'm Your clay, please mold me into what you want me to be!  Guide me and help me know when You are speaking to me!  God, I know adoption is still heavy on my heart and my desire to be a mom has only grown stronger.  I know you keep reminding me that sometimes one has to take a step of faith before Your full plans are revealed.  But God, I am a dense, sometimes really blind human so sometimes I just need a neon sign or writing across the sky to point me in the right direction.  I don't know if you are pointing me in the direction to pursue adoption now or if it is just my emotions getting the best of me.  I can't stop thinking of two very special baby boys that will forever hold a place in my heart.  God, please help me understand what You are teaching me through this trip and where you are leading me now!  Help me to adjust to life back here and be able to make sense of all my varying emotions.  Most of all God, speak through me and give me the words to say so that You are glorified by this trip and my life from now on!  Thank you so much for this amazing opportunity and giving me the honor of serving those children and making a difference in their lives!  I love you God, and only want to serve you and your children.  In Your Great Name, Amen!"

 

Uganda love!

Our time here is coming to an end and I am a little surprised by my feelings about leaving. I don't want to leave this place! And I mean I REALLY don't want to leave! I knew leaving would be hard after building relationships with these kids, but its more than that! As surprising as it may seem, I feel really at home here! I have fallen madly in love with these people and this country! There is still so much I feel like I need to process, but we have so little free time here its hard to really find time alone to really sift through my thoughts and process it all. All I know is I'm not ready to leave.  Here are just a few reasons why...

We are here!!

Hello from Uganda!! We made it safe and sound with all our luggage in Sunday afternoon. First of all Uganda is beautiful!! And the people here are just as beautiful inside and out!  We've spent the past two days ministering at Ekubo Ministeries (more to come on them). We received a welcome at Ekubo worthy of a king! The couple hundred children were singing and waving tree branches and giving us smiles that would melt your heart in a second! It was completely overwhelming, but amazing at the same time! The choir did several African song and dance performances that were amazing! Those kids are super talented!! We ended the first day with them attempting to teach us some of the dances...which in my case wasn't very successful, but fun nonetheless! Today we were able to go back and spend the day with the kids building relationships more and getting to know some of the kids better. The four of us nurses on the team worked in the clinic while everyone else went and helped teach in the classrooms. It was a first couple days! It's unreal how much those kids just want a hand shake or to have their picture taken. They are full if joy and abounding with energy! I wish I could really convey better how amazing it is here and how wonderful these children are but I just cannot even come up with the words right now.  As I close out please be praying for a 6day old baby named Joseph! He was takes to the hospital today very dehydrated and malnourished and is not doing well. Please pray for healing and God's provision for funds fir gis hospital stay. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers!!

~Kristin

Uganda Bound...

Well...I'm sitting here on my flight to Washington D.C. where I will meet up with the rest of my team. I absolutely cannot belieflve this day is here!! It is so surreal! In roughly 24 hours I will be in Africa about to begin a journey that God has been preparing me for for many months...perhaps even longer! I can only hope and pray that my heart is ready and open for everything He will have for me there. I know in my heart of hearts that God has something amazing in store for this trip and I can't wait to see what that is!

As I have been preparing for this trip I have been blown away by the snout of support and encouragement I have received.  As I said goodbye to my parents thus morning at the airport I am pretty sure I saw some tears in my dad's eyes as he told me how proud of me he is.  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.  How blessed I am to have such wonderful friends and family that love and support and encourage me!! My best friend sent me a card about heroes and how she thinks I am one. I don't feel much like a hero. I am just doing what God has called us all to do...love the orphans and widows (James 1:27).  It just so happens that he's called me at this time to Africa for two weeks. 

As I think about this journey ahead I am so humbled He has chosen me! I am such an ordinary girl with lots of failures and time that I really mess up! But I've learned over the past few weeks that its in those weaknesses and failures that God can use you most! He uses our weakness to show His strength!  I pray that during this trip I am able to let Him work through me and that I don't let my human emotions, desires, or shortcomings to get in the way of His leading. A few months ago at church our pastor mentioned in times when you feel like you just can't love someone enough to let Him love them through you. I pray that God will love these kids and the people I meet along this journey through me! That in the moments when I feel emotionally drained or have moments of insecurity I will allow God to use me anyway and show His love through my weakness! I can only pray that I am open to His divine appointments and have a heart and mind open to His leading! This trip is His!! 

I should be packing...

I should be packing right now...but I thought I'd just write a quick update!!  I have This is really happening!!  In a little over less than 72 hrs I will be on a plane leaving for Uganda!!  I cannot believe it's really here!!  To say that I'm excited, nervous, anxious, and all sorts of other crazy emotions would be an understatement, but it's all in a good way!  Most of the nerves are just about little stuff like what will the hotels be like, what will the food be like, what will the bathrooms be like?  Then there are the things going through my mind like 'How will this impact my life?', 'What will God do with this experience?'  I know God is going to do some amazing things with this trip!  I only hope we can impact those kids lives as much as I have a feeling they will imact my life.  I don't know if I'll be able to update this blog while we're in Uganda, but if I have a chance I will.  Otherwise, my trip leaders may be updating their blog with updates as well.  You can find it Here.  You can be sure I will update this when I get back!  I'm sure there will be lots to tell!  Til then...I'm off to pack for now...

One week!

A week from now I will be my way to Uganda!!  I cannot believe it's only a week away!  I've been to the store and got some last minute things for the trip, started laying things out to pack, and have been getting things ready as much as possible ahead of time.  I've been anticipating this trip for so long, it doesn't seem like it's possible that it's this close now.  There have been so many hurdles to overcome in the past several months, but God has provided and guided me all along the way.  I have still been having some of the same health issues, but it's something that is more of an annoyance and inconvenience than something that prevents me from functioning or being able to do things.  I know God has ordained this trip and will be with me and protect me while I'm there.  I was really feeling discouraged for a couple weeks, feeling like this may not really happen, but over the past week or so I've really gained a real peace about it.  I have regained my perspective and remembered the real reason I'm doing this....those precious kiddos that I will be meeting so very soon!!  I cannot wait to love on them and play with them, and just make sure they know they are loved!  Those kids are what has kept me motivated and made me continue to look forward to this trip even in the midst of some challenges.  I know none of this would be happening without prayer, and I'm so grateful for all the support and encouragement I've received from all my friends and family!  I could not be more grateful for all of you and your prayers.  I absolutely cannot wait to meet my team and get to Uganda to see what God has in store for all of us!

Eleven days and counting?

Well...in 11 days I am supposed to be leaving for Uganda!  I am feeling a little better about it, but I am still having the same health issues, so I'm still pretty unsure of how that will effect my trip.  I found one of the baby homes we are scheduled to visit on facebook, and they have pictures of all their babies on their page.  Seeing those adorable faces made me remember why I am doing this!  I just want to love on those precious babies so badly!  I think I've been really holding back getting too excited about it because I just keep waiting for something to happen that will keep this from really happening.  It's only 11 days away, but I am still so afraid it won't happen, especially with the health problems I've been having.  No, it's nothing that serious and it doesn't really prevent me from functioning, but it's a lot of discomfort sometimes and inconvenience that may only be exaggerated being in someplace like Africa.  I know I should just have faith, and trust that it will all work out, but it's so hard when I'm less than 2 weeks away and not feeling any different.  Not to mention, I really don't want to be a hindrance to my team.  I don't want to hold them back or interfere with our ministry.  I am just so torn.  I want so badly to be excited and looking forward to this trip, but I'm afraid to get too excited in case something happens.  This is all so surreal.  I have so many mixed emotions I am not quite sure what to feel.  I think a lot of this goes back to another mission trip I had wanted to go on, and then had health problems that prevented me from going.  So, I can't help but think the past may repeat itself.  I am trying to turn it all over to God and trust that He has everything under control.  I realize that He has provided so much in order for me to go on this trip, so I shouldn't worry I won't be able to go.  I don't know if anyone really even reads this blog, but if so I am asking anyone who does to continue to pray for me, this trip, and my team.  I can use all the prayers, support, and encouragement the next couple weeks I can get!  Thank you!   


You know...it's funny how quickly God can change your heart or send comfort.  Just in the few minutes since I've posted this I am already starting to feel more at peace about this.  I don't know if any of you have been praying already, but it's working.  Thank you so much! 

Being Real...

Ok, I hope you don't mind, but I'm just going to be real for a few minutes.  I'm struggling...really struggling.  I have been looking forward to my trip to Uganda for so many months now, and now that it's only about two and a half weeks away, I'm feeling like it's not really going to happen.  I've been having some health problems that are really bothersome.  It's not really anything that prevents me from functioning or being able to live life, but it's really annoying and uncomfortable.  I'm really struggling with just feeling a little defeated and discouraged.  I am trying to stay positive, but have had several imaging studies done and the doctor has thrown around the word "mass" a couple times, so being a nurse that sends my mind into a tailspin of what if's and thinking the worst.  Usually the word mass doesn't signify good things.  I know deep down that God has all of this in His control, and that I don't have anything to worry about, but my human mind is having trouble wrapping my brain around that.  I realize too, that a lot of this is probaby satan attacking me...and I am definitely feeling attacked.  I don't want to let him win, so I'm trying really hard to remember God is in control, but I'm still struggling.  I know some may read this and think "oh she's not being strong enough, or she's not having enough faith."  Some may think I'm not a very good Christian for admitting this.  But, I'm human...I'm not going to try and pretent that I don't have struggles, and that I don't have times where my faith falters.  I am human, I'm not going to be perfect, and I'm never going to be a perfect Christian.  I am just not the kind of person who is going to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is fine, and that I'm a perfect person when I'm clearly not!  I am really trying to trust God, and have faith that this is all going to be fine and work out.  I know God hasn't provided the finances and desire for me to go on this trip for me to end up not being able to go.  Although if that's what happens, I know that is His will too.  I'm going to ask for prayer...for my team, for me and that this will all subside or I will at least get some answers, and for the trip.  I am grateful for my friends and family that have been so supportive...so thank you!!

Show Us Your Singles Link Up

Ok...This post is being linked up to this cool blog I read by a awesome Christian mom who writes about her life and happens to also have a heart for singles.  Here is her blog: http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2012/09/show-us-your-singles.html  She hosts a "Singles Friday every few months where bloggers can link up to hers and introduce the blog world to themselves, a single friend, family member, etc.  Five couples have actually gotten married after meeting on her site!  So....without further ado...let me introduce you to two great ladies (if I do say so myself)!  First please meet:

My awesome, beautiful, fun-loving cousin Kasey!!

Kasey is 26 and lives on the north side of Indianapolis.  Kasey is an awesome Christian young woman with an amazing career as a Speech Language Pathologist.  She loves what she does working with the elderly and stroke victims.  She has a great sense of humor and can always find a way to lighten a mood and make you smile. 

Kasey and our grandma.

She has an adorable dog (see above) she rescued and loves to death, so dog lovers you're in luck!  Kasey is kind, compassionate, a ton of fun to be around, and just an all around amazing young woman!  She took a week off from work this summer to be a camp counselor at the summer camp she grew up going to and counseling at during the summers she was in college.  She has two brothers and is very close to her family.  She is looking for a godly man with good Midwestern values.  She is an amazing catch and I would love nothing more than to see her meet the man of her dreams!  She is not just my cousin, but one of my very best friends!  You would be blessed to know her!  Trust me!  I know! 

Kasey and her family.

P.S.  Guys...she drives a car with a Hemi!!

Next, let me introduce you to...Me! 

I'm Kristin.  I'm 31, and a Registered Nurse.  I also now live on the north side of Indianapolis. 

My job has given me some awesome opportunities to live and work in some cool places.  I worked as a Neonatal Flight nurse in Albuquerque, NM for about 2 years, and then had the awesome opportunity to work at Cincinnati Children's Hospital for 2 years, before moving back to my home state of Indiana to be closer to family. 

Speaking of family I'm very close to mine.  I have one sister, and a new brother-in-law, and awesome parents who have been an amazing example of a godly marriage. 

Me, my sister, our grandma, and Kasey at my sister's wedding.



God has really given me a heart for orphans and adoption.  In fact I am going to Uganda, Africa next month to love on the orphans there for two weeks.  I'm looking for a godly man who loves children and wants a family.  If you have a heart for adoption, orphans, or missions that is big bonus points too!  

If you'd like to know more about Kasey or I leave a comment and I'll pass on the info!  Thanks for stopping by!!  God bless!

What a difference a year makes!

Right about a year ago I was just getting settled here in Indianapolis and had no idea what the next year would bring! I was still "church shopping" and little did I know that in a couple weeks time I would go to a church at the suggestion of a friend and immediately fall in love with that church and make it my church home!  God has done so much in my life in the last year, and much of it has to do with being part of such an amazing church body with an amazingly gifted pastor who is so real and genuine and humble! God is using him and this church in big ways!! If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be going to Africa or leading a life group I would have said you were completely crazy!! God has used the past year to mold me and shape me and call me to some amazing things. It's amazing how God can take someone who is so ordinary and unqualified and use them for His will!! I've discovered over the past year he can use even me to do things I never thought I could do!! And now a month from today I will be on a plane headed for Uganda to love on some amazing kiddos! I cannot wait! I'm so grateful and blessed to be part of what God has called me to and I can't wait to see what else he has in store! Who knows what another year could bring!! I say bring it on Lord!! I am yours!!

Lots of randomness and rambling...

I haven't written lately...obviously.  I've been so busy with so much going on in my life I guess it just seems like I haven't been able to gather my thoughts long enough to put them on "paper".  I've been spending time with family, doing things at church, leading my new life group, trying to educate myself on adoption and that process, fundraising for my trip, participating in conference calls for the trip, and then of course working and getting ready to change jobs.  All these things are wonderful things, and I'm so grateful for all of them, but I'm realizing now that I've barely been giving myself a chance to breathe and take it all in. 

 

It finally hit me this week how REAL this trip is!  I am actually going to AFRICA!  Wowzaaa!!  I will admit there is a part of me that is starting to get a little nervous/anxious about the trip.  I know God is in control, so I don't have anything to worry about, but it's all the unknown that I am unsure of.  It's all in His hands, so I just have to prepare myself by being open to whatever He has in store.  I know if He's called me there (which obviously He has), He'll equip me to do whatever I need to do while I'm there. 

 

I have been praying and trying to educate myself on adoption as much as possible the last several weeks.  I know this is something God is calling me to...I just don't know when.  One minute I'll feel like it's something I should be pursuing now, and the next minute I'll feel like He's telling me to wait.  I watched a video on YouTube this weekend of a mom going to Africa to get her little girl.  The video was of their Gotcha Day, which in the adoption world is sort of equivalent to a baby's birthday, it's the day you become a family.  Anyway...as I was watching this beautiful baby girl be placed into her mother's arms I started sobbing...like real fat tears streaming down my face...sobbing.  I can envision myself in that position now more than ever!  I don't know how soon it will happen, but I really believe it is going to happen one day and I cannot wait for that day!

 

I'm loving my life group!  It's such an amazing group of young women!  We're all very different, but also very similar!  We all get along, and have fun together!  It's so great to be part of a group like this again!  I still feel very inadequate at times being the "leader" of this group.  I don't feel like much of a leader at times, but the girls are so patient with me and understanding.  I am just really blessed to have these ladies in my life!

 

Speaking of being blessed...I received two text messages from friends I hadn't really been in touch with much lately that were both so encouraging and uplifting to me!  I love the song by Sidewalk Prophets called "Live Like That"!  The first line always really hits me:

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

It always really makes me wonder what sort of impact or legacy I would leave if God called me Home tomorrow.  Would the people in my life think of me as just a nice girl who did a decent job at being a "good person", or would I really leave the sort of impact I would hope where people would say she really lived her life for Christ, and showed His love in her life.  I hope it would be the latter, but sometimes I don't think that would be the case.  I'm a huge failure a lot of the time which is why I'm so thankful for Grace!  The two text messages I received this week were both great encouragements that maybe I am doing something right.  It felt good to know that the way I'm living my life is at least at times reflecting God's love and His leading in my life.  I'm not perfect, and never will be, but I hope everyday I can grow even just a tiny bit in my relationship with HIM. 

 

Ok...sorry I guess I got kind of deep there for a bit.  Anyway...that's my life and thoughts lately!  Sorry if it's a little random.  My life is random at times...

Pendant love!!

I have really been liking the website Etsy lately, and have found such cute stuff.  I found the cutest handmade, sterling silver pendants that had my heart all over it!  Just thought I'd share!!  I love them!

 

 

 

Here is my awesome new Pendant!  The heart is over UGANDA!!

 

 

This is the back.  Engraved for when my trip takes place!  I have a feeling those two weeks will change my life forever!!

 

The seller even sent an ankelet/bracelet as a gift!!  They are both so cute!!  Now I can show off my love for Africa even more!!

 

 

 

 

 

Baby steps....

Yesterday was sort of a big day for me.  I went to an informational meeting at Bethany Christian Services, which for those that don't know, is one of the largest and most experienced adoption agency's in the U.S.  Adoption is something I've know I wanted to do since I was young, and for a long time I had sort of "put it in a box" so to speak thinking that it would just have to happen "someday" when I'm married.  In the last year or so my thinking has really changed.  God has opened my eyes and heart to the option of pursuing adoption as a single woman.  I have been praying about it for some time now, and am still really praying and seeking his leading, but after this meeting yesterday I have decided to take a baby step toward pursuing adoption on my own.  The meeting was so informative and made me feel so much more confident in pursuing something like this as a single woman, knowing that I will have an adoption specialist right there with me along the entire journey holding my hand and guiding me!  So, after yesterdays informational session I have decided to submit a preliminary application for an international adoption.  It's just a little baby step.  Basically the preliminary application is just you, submitting your "official" interest in learning more, and perhaps going down the adoption road.  There is no commitment involved, and no financial aspect to the preliminary application.  It is, however, a way for me to see if this is even a viable option for me and if I'd even be approved to start the process.  While it is just a baby step, it's still a really big step for me too!  For quite awhile I've been a little unsure how "on board" my family would be if I decided to do this.  I talked to my parents last night, and while they have some concerns (like any parent would) they are completely on board and supportive of me doing this!  I know I shouldn't be surprised at all because I have been blessed with amazing parents that have never been anything but supportive of me!  I realize that this won't be easy.  There will be people in my life, friends, maybe even family, that will think I'm crazy or think I'm doing the wrong thing; people who may wonder why I would chose international adoption; and people who won't agree at all with me choosing to become a single mom.  And, unfortunately, I also realize I may even lose a few "friends" over this, but I also know the people who choose to stay by me and support me are the ones I can truly call friends anyway!  Even since I have been planning this trip and start talking and thinking about the idea of adoption on my own more I have noticed some change in how some people react to me.  And that's ok.  I say I will be pursuing this adoption on "my own", but I realize that I will not be alone at all!  I will have my family, true there through the grit of life friends, and most importantly my Amazing God right there with me along the way!  I am excited to see where God takes me on this journey!!  I know it may be a very long one, with lots of curves and bumps along the way, but I am ready for the journey!!  One little baby step at a time!!

 

 

This desire is REAL!!

I read this blog yesterday.  Jen Hatmaker - The Truth About Adoption: One Year Later  It is such an amazingly honest look at what adoption is really like!  Some may read this and think that a single woman who may have been contemplating adoption on her own would read this and seriously reconsider whether adopting is something a single woman should do.  I read this and it only confirmed my desire to pursue this!  She talks about the different stages that a family goes through during the first year after adoption, and all the ups and downs...many more downs than a lot of people might think, but the rewards and blessings that God brings to those who trust in Him through the process are totally worth all those hard moments.  I have no illusions that adopting on my own would be an easy process or something that would happen tomorrow.  There are a LOT of things that would have to "fall" into place in order for it to even be possible for me.  Some of the most obvious things that I would have to overcome are the financial aspects, childcare when I work, and just becoming a single mom.  God has actually blessed me recently with a new job that will possibly allow me to be home more and be a little more realistic for even the early stages of researching and pursuing the early stages of adoption.  I got a job on the St. Vincent NICU/Pediatric transport team.  It will be one 24hr shift and one 12hr shift a week, and it's more on day shift than nights!  Maybe my body will actually start so sort of feel what it's like to be a little more "normal".  Adoption is not something I'm jumping into right away, or taking lightly at all!  I am praying about it, educating myself, and trying to start networking a little bit with other single adoptive moms/and families.  I'm hoping my friends and family will be supportive and understanding as I seek God's leading and will for my life.  I know this trip to Uganda will change me and may lead to something more, but I'm also trying to to have any unrealistic expectations for the trip either.  I'm just trying to pray and seek God's leading.  His plan is what I want and what is best!  All I know, is this desire he's given me to adopt is REAL!!

God loves ME!

My life group met again tonight!  What an awesome group of girls!  I'm so grateful that God has brought us together!  We had more great discussion tonight on the topic of God's love for us, his children!  One of the passages of scripture some of the discussion was on was Romans 8:31-39.  Here it is: 

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

How amazing is that passage?!?  There are so many things in those few verses that are just so amazing!  "we are more than conquerors"!!  We can overcome everything with Our Lord!  Boy have I learned that in the last few weeks!!  God's provision for this trip to Uganda has been amazing!  This trip would NOT be happening if it weren't for God and Him providing!  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  No one can be against us when God is on our side!!  But the best part..."that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  NOTHING can separate us from the love of God!!  Not other people, not circumstances, not satan, nothing!  Not even ourselves and our own doubts or the distractions we allow in our lives!!  God's love for us is real, and unrelenting!!  He pursues us like a groom pursues his bride!  As a single woman, that is so relevant for me!  It's humbling to think of being pursued by the Most High, the Creator of the Universe!!  He loves ME and wants a real, deep, intimate relationship with ME!!  Thank you Lord for loving imperfect, dirty, sinful ME!!  I am so unworthy, but I accept it with open arms!!

P.S.  I got my flight confirmation and plane ticket information for Uganda in an email tonight!!  Just more proof of God's amazing love and provision for me!!  I am sooo excited!!

Making History...

Those that know me really well, namely my family, know that I have a love for the Little League World Series.  I know...it probably seems strange, but ever since I saw the first world series game when I was a teenager, I have loved watching it every year!  The enthusiasm and joy those kids have for playing baseball is just so fun to watch!!  Baseball is sort of an All-American game, but in the Little League World Series, it truly is World wide!  There are 8 international teams that compete every year, and the final game is the winner of the International bracket versus the winner from the U.S. bracket.  Every year it is so fun to see these kids from opposites sides of the world come together in little Williamsport, Pennsylvania and play a game they all love.  They all have incredible sportsmanship and the kids can speak completely different languages, but they still have so much fun together and don't let a little thing like different languages keep them from forming incredible friendships.  Every year I look forward to August and watching the LLWS, but this year has been even more exciting.  For the first time in the 66 year history of the LLWS a team from Africa is playing, and that team just happens to be from Uganda!!  It is so heartwarming to see these kids who come from poverty and such hardship be able to come here to the U.S. to play a game they love!!  I was watching a little news story about the kids from Uganda earlier this evening and got a little teary watching.  Those kids are just so grateful for this opportunity and are having so much fun it's inspiring to see them there making history!  They played their first practice without cleats, despite being given shiny new uniforms and equipment to use and play in, because they are used to playing in Uganda without any shoes!  They came only with their coaches because many of them come from single parent families, and some are even orphans, but the fans in Williamsport have totally embraced the kids from Uganda as their own!  Its so awesome to see people come to support these kids just as much as they would their own teams.  Unfortunately, the team from Uganda was eliminated from the tournament today, but those kids played their hearts out, and everyone made them feel like winners!  They are winners just for making it to Williamsport and making history as the first team from Africa!  It just shows how much heart and joy kids in Uganda have!  It makes me even more excited to go meet some of those amazing kiddos!!  And who knows...maybe I'll even get to play some ball with them!! 

It's so real!!!

It's getting really real now!!!  I AM GOING TO UGANDA!!  I am so excited!!  In 56 days I'll be boarding a plane and leaving on a very long flight to go see those precious kiddos!!  I feel so blessed to have this opportunity!!  How blessed am I that I get to go spend 2 weeks loving on some wonderful kids that deserve it so much!!  I can't wait!!  Just had to share my excitement!! :)

A dream...

I have no idea if this means anything or if it is just a normal dream, but it was a little too detailed to not write down. 

I had a dream last night that I met a little girl in Uganda named Mary.  I fell in love with her!  She was the most adorable little girl and loved to cuddle!  I can still see her sweet little face!  In my dream I was actually planning a trip to return to Uganda to bring Mary home as my daughter.  Some of my family were very hesitant, and some not happy at all, but I knew Mary was mine and it was all part of the bigger plan God had in store.

  I have no idea if any of this means anything, but I had to write it down just in case.  God works in mysterious ways sometimes, so who knows what this dream could mean.  I do know God has a lot in store for me with this trip and beyond and I can't wait to discover what that is!!

Jehovah Jireh!!

I am by no means a theologian, but I have been in church and heard enough sermons and studies that I do remember learning about some of the different Jehovah names of God.  Jehovah Nissi-The Lord My Banner.  Jehovah Rapha-The Lord that Heals.  Jehovah Shalom-The Lord is Peace,  Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.  I now have a much deeper understanding of that last on: Jehovah Jireh!  The Lord Will Provide!!  It's true that God has always provided for me in my life, I've never really been without anything I truly needed, but I had never really experienced the kind of Provision I have in the last few days or completely understood the full meaning of Jehovah Jireh.  As of this past Friday (today is Monday) I was a little over $700 short from being able to make my first payment of $2200 to book my flights for my trip to Uganda.  I had come to a place through prayer where I was completely at peace with whatever happened, but I was really starting to think maybe this trip wasn't going to happen.  I never really gave up hope, but I was ready to accept it if it didn't work out.   I knew that His plan was best!  I laid it all in God's hands and I knew that if it was truly His will for me to go on this trip He would have to provide...And PROVIDE HE DID!!! Thanks to some generous contributions from my amazing friends and family I received enough donations to meet my $2200 goal today!!  I am so humbled and grateful for the amazing way God has provided and for the generous contributions of everyone!!  I AM going to Uganda!!!  I am so excited I can't stand it!  I have been excited all along, but until now I don't think it was completely real. Now that the money is there and our plane tickets are actually being purchased it's all becoming very real!!  It's hard to believe that 2 months from TODAY I will be boarding a plane to Africa!!  It's amazing how God works, and how He provides!   I know there still may be some hurdles ahead, but I know now more that ever that our amazing Jehovah Jireh will provide!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has helped make this possible!!  Our God is amazing!!  I am forever grateful!!

"And he said, Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do thou anything unto him.  For now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son, from me.  And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns.  And Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt-offering instead of his son.  And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh. As it is said to this day, In the mount of Jehovah it shall be provided." Genesis 22:14 ASB

Still holding out hope...

I was starting to feel so discouraged at the possiblity of not having the funds for my trip and not being able to go, I received an encouraging email from our trip coordinator at Visiting Orphans yesterday and I woke up just really feeling at peace about the whole thing.  The thought of not going was really starting to make me really sad, and if it doesn't happen I still will be sad, but I feel much more at peace about it either way!  I know whatever happens it's all in God's hands, but I am still really holding out hope that in just 62 days I will be leaving to go to Uganda and love on some amazing kiddos!! 

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."  Psalm 42:5

Enough...

Enough...that word has been being used in my head the last 24 hours in multiple ways.  At work last night a couple of my coworkers were questioning me as to why I didn't just pick up some extra shifts to help pay for this trip.  That of course planted a small seed of doubt and made me wonder...what if this is all my fault and I haven't tried hard enough?  Maybe I didn't do enough to try to raise the money in time.  Maybe I didn't pray hard enough.  I don't know.  Then yesterday I was given another financial blow, I won't go into details, but I just kept thinking "Enough!!  I can't take anymore!!  I have had enough!!"  Then this morning on my way home from work I heard this song for the first time ever and it had tears streaming down my face...

Here are a couple lines from the song that really stuck out to me:

This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up

And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms

These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing

It does sort of seem like the walls are caving in, but I have to just keep running to the One who can rescue me and pick me up and love me in a way I can never fully understand.  It's not east when things keep piling up, but I am going to do my best to keep turning to Him.  He's the only one who can help me through it!!

Surrender...

Surrendering everything, I think, is one of the most difficult things to do in the Christian walk. As humans we want to have at least a small part in controlling the outcome of our lives and the things we do, but when you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are giving up that control to the One who knows all, and has an ultimate plan for our lives. This week has been a reminder over and over again, culminating tonight at my small group. The calling and burden on my heart for the children of Africa and specifically Uganda is undeniably placed there by God. What I have had to learn to let go of and surrender completely to God is this mission trip to Uganda. I am still about $900 away from my first goal payment of $2200 that is due a week from today (8/6). For the past week, and probably longer if I really think about it, I have been worrying and stressing over raising the funds for this trip and whether it was truly God's will for me to go or not. My small group that I've been led to lead is studying through Francis Chan's book "Crazy Love" and tonight part of our discussion centered around stress and anxiety and how they can be a huge distraction and even become a sin if we let them take us away from what God wants us to focus on: Him and Him alone! One of the key verses we discussed was the passage in Matthew 6:25-34 where Jesus is talking about worry. The key verse that seemed to be directly at me tonight was Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.". Right there in the middle of our discussion, it hit me how much I've been holding onto this trip and letting my worry and anxiety take my focus off of just simply glorifying God and letting Him be in total control. The girls in my group let me share my struggle and what I'm facing with this trip and were able to help me see that I just have to surrender it and all my anxiety about it over to God and let Him control what happens. I had this idea in my head that if I don't raise the money on time and am unable to go on this trip that it means I won't ever be able to go and that I was wrong in thinking it was God's will for me to go. I had this thinking that if I don't go on this October trip to Uganda it meant that the burden on my heart for the children there was all just me misreading everything and I was wrong in trying to go. What the amazing girls in my group helped me understand tonight is that even if I am unable to go on this particular trip, that doesn't mean it's not God's will or that I won't ever go. They helped me see that this burden on my heart is absolutely God given and even if I don't go in October, God may have me going at a different time, or doing something completely different here in the U.S. as a way to help those children and in order to glorify him the way he is preparing me to do. They also reiterated that this trip may still be part of God's plan for me and He just wants me to completely trust Him to provide. I am so grateful for those girls and the way they let me share a little of my heart tonight and embraced me with encouraging words. I know that as hard as it is for me to just sit back and completely surrender this to God, and realize the possibility that I may not go on this trip, no matter what happens, God has a bigger plan! So...I SURRENDER, LORD! I SURRENDER!!

Sharing my heart....

Ok...tears are streaming down my face as I write this...I'm being vulnerable, but writing has always been almost cathartic for me so here I am putting my feelings to words.  God has placed this amazing desire and burden on my heart for orphans, adoption, and now Africa.  In May God led me to Visiting Orphans and this trip to Uganda.  Tonight my heart is breaking, but I'm not sure why.  I know I shouldn't let fear in, but I can't help but feel a little fearful that this trip may not happen.  I know a lot of it is because of the funding, and I want to have faith that God is going to provide, but I have an uneasiness in my heart that I can't explain.  I still have $1400 to raise for my first payment in 10 days.  I don't know if this uneasiness is God telling me this trip isn't His will, or if He's trying to tell me something else.  All I know is I think there is a piece of my heart in Africa already, even though I have yet set foot there, and for whatever reason that part of my heart is really being tugged on tonight.  I want nothing more than to be able to go see those children and be able to show them the kind of love they all deserve!  The only thing I think I could possibly want a little more is to be mother.  I have so much love in my heart to give and I want to share that with a child so badly I can hardly stand it.  I've started doing a little more research on adoption and spent part of my evening last night looking at some websites of some of the orphanages we will be visiting in Uganda, and my heart completely broke for those children.  Every single one of their sweet faces tugged on my heart strings.  It's becoming clear to me that God is tugging on my heart for a reason, but I'm still not sure why.  I know in time God will reveal to me what it is He is has in store, but until then I continue to feel a little uneasy.  I want to do so much more than what I'm doing in my life right now.  I know there is so much more I could be doing with my life, but I have other responsibilities in my life that I can't just drop everything without neglecting some of that.  I just really want to be doing what God wants me to be doing, but I don't know what that is!  This burden on my heart is there for a reason, I know it is!!  I know the desires in my heart are there for a reason!!  I guess I just keep seeking Him and praying for his timing for everything.  I want to ask you to come with me on this journey and pray for God's leading on my life.  I can't do this without the love and support of my friends and family!  Thank you!!

Friends are awesome!

Aren't friends awesome!  And I don't mean just your everyday, run of the mill acquaintence type friends...they're great too, but I'm talking about the 'there through thick and thin, tell you when you're being an idiot, let you cry and complain about silly stuff and listen intently all the while, call at 2am if you need them, get each other without saying a word' friends!!  I am blessed in my life to have a few of these awesome friends and a couple of them just happen to be family too!  The last couple weeks I had really been struggling trying to figure out if this trip is really part of God's will for me and wondering where the funds would come from if it is, and once again my awesome friends came to the rescue!  I am so grateful for those friends!!  After talking to a couple of them this week I have realized I have been focusing on the wrong thing!  My worrying about this trip and raising funds provided that sneaky devil a tiny little opening to plant a seed of doubt and once it started to bloom it just continued to eat away at my faith and trust.  Thanks to a little heart to heart with a couple of my dear friends they helped me see what was happening and I know without a shadow of a doubt that this trip is God's will for me!  I still may not know where the funds will come from, but I'm not worried!  I have full faith that God will provide! 

Boasting in my weakness!!

I am weak!  Oh boy am I ever weak!!  I'll say it again...I AM WEAK!!  I try daily to put my full trust and faith in God and his plans for my life, but I fail so often.  I'm so glad Heaven and God's Grace are not based on single elimination because I would have been out a very long time ago!!  I want to do God's will for my life, but sometimes I really struggle with how to know what that is.  If God could just send a letter in the mail, or write it in the sky, or speak in an audible voice it would be so much easier!  However, that's not really the case, these days anyway, so we must rely on other methods of knowing God's Will for our lives.  I have not mastered those methods yet.  I have been struggling the last few days wondering if I misread something.  My trip to Uganda is something I was sure was in God's will for me!  I've started having second thoughts though....not about actually going, but that maybe it wasn't part of His will after all.  The financial piece is not coming together for me like I thought it would.  Am I not trusting enough, or am I just not supposed to go?  I don't know!  I still really believe God called me to this trip, but how do I know for sure?  I have the Jesus Calling app (based on the book by Sarah Young) and the title of yesterdays was "Do Not Worry About Tomorrow!".  Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me: "Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence.  As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly.  Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times."  I realized that by worrying about the financial aspect of this trip and worrying about it not being part of God's will that I am taking my focus off what really matters!  If God really has called me to this trip (and I still really believe He has), He WILL provide the funds for me to get there!  I just have to trust Him!  One of the verses at the end of the devotion was 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  So...here I am boasting in my weakness!  How easily I become distracted and lack faith.  How easily I forget about the power of my God!  He can move mountains!!  Of course he can provide funds for this trip!!  So boast I will!  In His power I WILL go to Uganda!!