This week has had such a wide range of emotions and thoughts surrounding so many different events. I have honestly been struggling to process them all and figure out what I feel about a lot of things. Between this ongoing pandemic, a couple rough evenings with my girl, the death of another innocent black man, flooding and the pandemic taking a huge toll on the livelihood of my friends in Africa, and Mother’s day on Sunday, my emotions and thoughts are all over the place. I had planned on really spending this month advocating and participating in the daily prompts surrounding Foster Care Awareness month, but these last several days I just haven’t been able to bring myself to put my thoughts “on paper” so to speak.
The overarching theme this week seems to be grief. Grieving time with family and friends still. Grieving for my little girl and all the normalcy she’s lost because of her life in foster care. Grieving with my brothers and sisters of color over the senseless murder of a young man just out for a jog. Grieving for my friends in Africa who seem to be doubly affected by this pandemic, and now major flooding in both Uganda and Kenya. And grieving so much surrounding Mother’s Day.
I’m not going to share details about my girl or share my thoughts about Ahmaud Arbrey anymore, and I won’t share about my friends in Africa since I’ve already shared some about that too, but I do want to share more about my feelings and thoughts surrounding Mother’s Day.
I know, you’re probably wondering why I might be grieving on Mother’s Day when I am finally living my dream of being a mom. Of course I’m thrilled to be a mom now, and I wouldn’t change it for the world! Being a mom is the greatest thing I’ve done in my life! But again this year, Mother’s Day will be very bittersweet for me (and a lot of other moms) for a few reasons! For me, Mother’s Day has always been pretty bittersweet and sometimes just down right difficult. I thought this year would be different. I thought this would be the year I’d be able to fully celebrate and thoroughly enjoy everything about this holiday! To be honest this year I actually feel pretty selfish, and I kind of hate to admit this, but I’m kind of having a bit of a pity party. I have dreamt of being a mom my whole life and every year Mother’s Day came and went and every year I wasn’t a mom yet became more painful. This year I have SO been looking forward to Mother’s Day because I finally am a mom, and now I don’t get to celebrate it! At least not the way i thought I would! I was looking forward to the cheesy single carnation the moms get at church or the special little applause for moms by the congregation. But now there’s no church, there’s no waiting in line at a restaurant for over an hour for mom’s favorite meal, and I bought my own Mother’s Day gift because my parents can’t take my girl shopping to help her pick something out. (Not that it’s about gifts at all!) I know how shallow and petty I must sound, and I kind of hate having these thoughts and feelings, but they are real, and as I read this morning another mom said “you have to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings”, so that is what I’m trying to do! I’m bummed! I’m sad I won’t get to have that “normal” first Mother’s Day experience I had in my head!
But then there’s a whole different side that makes this Mother’s Day even more bittersweet! And that’s the bittersweet of knowing that the only reason I’m able to be a mom is because there is another momma out there who doesn’t get to have her child at home with her. Another mom who will probably have a worse Mother’s Day than I will. A mom who despite the things I know, and despite how our relationship began, I now have a tender place in my heart for. I don’t agree with things she has done or said, and I don’t love the things my little girl has had to endure because of her, but God loves her and He has given me love for her also. I know she loves her little girl, and I know she must be grieving another Mother’s Day without her children. The brokenness of foster care is never more evident than it is this weekend. The fact that the only reason I am a mom is because of the brokenness of this family has never been more real. The little girl I love as my own, is not my own! The reality of that is hitting me full force.
Yesterday’s prompt for #speakupforfosterkids was about having a relationship with bio families. This is my first experience with foster care and bio families and I will not sugar coat it. I did not like them. The things I know, the history, I made some very snap judgments and my mind was made up that they were not good people. But I prayed about it, and then we had a big meeting where I would end up meeting all of them in person. I have never been more humbled in my life! The kindness, graciousness, and concern for our girl brought me to my knees. It doesn’t change the past and it doesn’t change how my little girl still experiences trauma reactions that can be unpredictable at best. But it did show me that they are just people who made mistakes, who God loves, and who love this little girl. So this weekend my girl and I sat down and picked out a sweet printable card for her mom. She sat and colored it and we have a little gift to get to her also. Because as hard as it is for me to share this, my first Mother’s Day, without this momma I wouldn’t even be a mom!
So friends, despite the grief of this week, and the bittersweet that this weekend brings, I am celebrating the fact that I have the amazing opportunity to be this little girl’s momma for now! I celebrate the relationship I’ve begun to form with her mom. And most of all I celebrate the goodness and faithfulness of our Heavenly Father who is bringing healing and restoration to not only my girl, but to me and my heart as well!
