Homesick...

I have been feeling REALLY homesick tonight...homesick for Uganda and the people there, and that simpler way of life.  Not that life there is simple by any means because I have seen first hand how hard it is there! But, simple in the sense that all you may have is your Faith in God...And THAT is enough!  I miss the way I felt so at home and comfortable there!  I still miss being there so much it hurts!  I even somewhat haphazardly found myself Googling nursing jobs in Uganda tonight...didn't find much though.  I wish sometimes I could just pack up and leave to go back there tomorrow and just stay indefinitely.  But then I realize I would have no way to support myself or pay the bills I still have here.  I would love to be able to just go spend a few months there, but the realistic part of me knows that just isn't really possible for me right now.  I know with God anything is possible but he would literally have to plop thousands of dollars in my lap for that to even begin to be feasible for me.  So, for now I will continue to pray for God's guidance and provision, and continue to be in Uganda in spirit! My heart is there...maybe one day I will be able to reunite with it!

One Less...

I know this is the second post today, but I wanted to post this here.  I made this video to chronicle my trip and sort of show my heart.  I know that God has called me to do my part in the orphan crisis.  I am still learning what that looks like, but I do know that regardless I will do whatever it takes to make sure I can tell as many children I can that they are loved and special, and uniquely created and loved by God.  So...that's why I chose this song...from the first time I heard it I knew I would do whatever I could to make sure there was at least "One Less". 

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Song is "One Less" by Matthew West

Perfect timing...

God,

You are amazing, and I never cease to be amazed by the way you do exactly what I need when I need it sometimes.  I was sitting here...in the quiet of  my living room, tv off, just the sound of cars occasionally driving by, a few birds, and the clock my grandfather made ticking in the background...and instead of focusing on You in the stillness my mind started to become very "human".  I let my mind wander and start to think about the future and where you might be leading me...and then doubt, and worry, and fear started to creep in.  I let myself begin to wonder how this could all work, and I started to feel very overwhelmed, and confused.  But then, just when I needed it a dear friend from my trip posted something on our trip web page that I knew was YOU speaking directly to ME!  Here are the words she wrote that spoke to me! 

"Only the Lord! Don't sell Him and His vision for your life short. His plans for you are SO much higher and longer and deeper than you could ever ever imagine.  Our God is not a safe God, His love is scandalous and He'll go to any length to show us this.  That's what I learned today. That I am a judging sinner...that I still doubt the Lord, that I still short change what He's capable of. But man oh man friends. When you step out in faith asking that the Lord prove Himself faithful. HE WILL DO IT. He will do it! Because He longs to show you what a Faithful and Awesome God He truly is."

So, God, I will continue to step out in faith believing that you WILL do it!! And that YOU WILL show me the way and prove Yourself Faithful through it all!!  Thank you, Lord for once again showing me how much you care and want to be part of my life!  Thank you for speaking to little old me!!  Thank you for caring about even the number of hairs on my head, and proving to me time and time again that YOU are ALL I NEED!!! 

Numb...

I have been a lot more "emotionally stable" this week than last.  I am almost starting to feel numb again.  Not numb as in oblivious to my emotions or what I saw and experienced in Uganda, but numb because I miss Uganda and those kids so much I don't think my heart can hurt anymore!  I don't think my eyes can cry anymore tears.  It's easy to put on a brave face and pretend that life goes on, but inside my heart is still breaking!  I have spent the last two weeks working in a pediatric intensive care unit as part of my orientation for my new transport job, and every one of those kids reminds me everyday of the children I met in Uganda!  I don't have my own children (yet) so I realize I can't really know, but I feel almost as if I left I my own children there!  My dreams are filled with images of them, my brain is constantly flooded with memories of them, and I don't know how much more my heart can take knowing I can't be there to tuck a sweet girl into bed at night, play with the kids during their break at school, or rock a sweet baby to sleep!  I want to be there so badly with them I have these fleeting moments of just wanting to drop everything in my life to go back there!  But then reality sets in and I realize I have responsibilities here, a new job I'm starting, and bills to pay.  I want to tell my story and share about all these amazing ministries we visited, but I can't do it at church because it's so big.  I am praying that God will provide an outlet and an audience, but I'm just not sure who that will be or how it will happen.  All I know is my heart continues to ache for Uganda and those children!!

I'm adopted...

I am adopted...yes...it's true. No...probably not in the way you're thinking, but I am adopted. My parents certainly are my biological parents, I have no doubt about that! However, over the past few weeks I've been thinking more and more about adoption and saw first hand some of the most precious children who don't have families, yet know they are loved by a Heavenly Father! I realized that we all have the opportunity to be adopted!! Not legally adopted, but spiritually adopted! We all have the blessing and honor of being welcomed into our Heavenly Father's family as his Adopted Sons and Daughters!! What an amazing privilege it is to be Sons and Daughters of the One True Father!! 

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God" Romans 8:14-16

 

None of us deserve this adoption, but He chooses to love us and welcome us into his family when we accept Him and choose to follow him!

 

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." John 1:12

 

When I went to Uganda I thought I was going to serve the children there, and bless them, but what actually happened is they blessed me!  They served me!   These children who have nothing, many of them not even a family, are filled with joy!  They know their Father in Heaven in a way I may never know, but pray I will someday.  They cling to Him in a way that is almost tangible or visible!  They may not know where their next meal comes from, or if they will ever know the love of a family, but they know the love of their Savior and their Heavenly Father!  These children taught me what it really means to be adopted, and what it really means to have faith like a child!  I went with an open heart to pour out love on those children, and came back with a heart full of the kind of love only a child can give!  I went to pour my heart out to them, and they poured their hearts out to me!!  I thought they needed to be shown the love of God, and they showed me the love of God!!  They showed me what it really is to be called the Children of God!

 

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 1 John 3:1

 

So now what?  What do I do with all this love God has poured out on me?  What do I do with this new understanding of what it means to be adopted and to be a child of God?  I do the only thing I know to do...I fall flat on my face in humility and give over my life to Him!!  I share their stories and become more of an advocate for those precious children who taught me so much!!  Here is one such story:

 

I will never forget the morning we were at Ekisa and a little boy named Zeke, who has Down Syndrome, blessed me in a way I will never forget!  It was into our second week when we went to Ekisa, which is a home specifically for special needs and disabled children.  I was feeling a little numb by that time, not really knowing what emotions to feel if any because of everything I had seen and experienced.  I think as an ICU nurse my body has put in place extra coping mechanisms to protect myself because of the things I see in my everyday life.  Those coping mechanisms are great when I'm in a stressful situation at work, or even in the sad situation of losing a patient.  They help me stay professional, and able to do what I need to do without being an emotional basket case (which those who know me well know I can be a bit emotional at times).  However, in the situation of this trip, those coping mechanisms started to keep me from fully being able to experience this trip because of the way my brain blocked those emotions.  Anyway, the morning we were at Ekisa we were all sitting in a circle talking when Zeke walked into the room.  He went to the middle of the circle and looked around the room at a few of the other members of my team.  He didn't show much emotion, other than maybe being a little perplexed by all these "Muzungus" in the room, and then he did something I can only say was completely a Divine Appointment!  Suddenly out of nowhere he lunged himself at me and wrapped his arms around me in one of the biggest bear hugs I have ever experienced!!  Immediately my eyes welled with tears, and I was overcome with emotion!  It's like that little boy knew I needed that very thing in that very moment!  Zeke showed ME, someone he had never met in his life, an amazing kind of love through that bear hug.  A kind of love I have never in my life experienced, and I have experienced some great love thanks to my amazing family and friends!  It was a kind of love that was completely uninhibited, completely pure, and completely undeserved.  For that brief time it felt like God himself was wrapping me in His arms giving me that bear hug!  Exactly what I needed in that moment!  God showed Himself to me that morning through Zeke in a way I will never be able to fully put into words, but I do know that since that moment I have felt closer to God than I ever have!  So thank you Zeke!  And thank you God for that precious little boy!  I now understand much more clearly the love of my Heavenly Father, and what it feels like to be adopted as His daughter! 

I left my heart in Uganda...

I miss Uganda,

 

 

 

 

the children,
 

 and people!

 

 

 

 I miss all the people I met there so much sometimes it hurts!!  My heart aches for one more sweet hand in mine, one more bear hug, or one more snuggle from a sweet baby.  The people I met there have left a permanent mark on my life, and now there is a huge chunk of my heart still there in Uganda.  I miss those kids, three in particular, so much my heart hurts.  Those three precious children, each in their own way, left a huge impression on my heart and leaving them was like leaving a member of my own family behind.  It still brings tears to my eyes at times just thinking about them.  My heart will never be the same!!

 

Since I returned I have been doing a lot of praying, thinking, more praying, and processing all of this.  God has been molding my heart and has really began to reveal some things to me in the past few days.  One thing God has very CLEARLY been teaching me is that sometimes His plans aren't fully revealed until we take that first STEP OF FAITH.  Visiting Orphans provided us with three devotional books, one for before, during, and after the trip.  Yesterday there was a small passage in the Reflect book that really hit all this home for me.

 

"'God can't steer you if you aren't moving.' Start moving.  Start doing what you think God is calling you to do, and if he wants to change the direction, he will.  But he can't change your direction when you are just sitting there."

 

Then, just to drive it home a little more, a dear friend from my trip encouraged me with the same passage and sweet words.  So...I'm taking that step of faith (more to come on what that is).  I'm ready to give it all to HIM and see where He leads!  In the meantime, that part of my heart will always be in Uganda and with those children!!

My prayer...

Since returning from Uganda, I have been almost at a loss for words to describe how this trip has impacted my life and everything that I was a part of and experienced there.  Transitioning back to "normal" life here in the U.S. has been much more difficult than I ever anticipated.  I want so badly to share everything about this trip, but haven't really known where to start or what to say.  I decided the best place to start is my heart...my journal.  I wrote this prayer about a day and a half after I got back and it describes a lot of what I've been feeling this week.  This is my prayer:

 

"God, my heart hurts!!  I miss Uganda and the amazing people and children I met there so much it hurts!  I miss Ekubo and George and Christie and all those children!  I miss baby Joseph and pray he is getting better and growing stronger everyday!  I miss Sangaalo and I miss Bobby and his sweet smiles and snuggles!  I miss Rose and her huge hugs and beautiful smiles!  I miss all the kids at Canaan and seeing them running to our bus when we returned each day!  I miss it all God and I'm not sure how to go back to "normal" life!  I know this trip has made a huge impact on my life, I'm just not sure what that looks like yet.  I know you are molding my heart and working in me, I am just not totally sure how.  I'm open God, I'm Your clay, please mold me into what you want me to be!  Guide me and help me know when You are speaking to me!  God, I know adoption is still heavy on my heart and my desire to be a mom has only grown stronger.  I know you keep reminding me that sometimes one has to take a step of faith before Your full plans are revealed.  But God, I am a dense, sometimes really blind human so sometimes I just need a neon sign or writing across the sky to point me in the right direction.  I don't know if you are pointing me in the direction to pursue adoption now or if it is just my emotions getting the best of me.  I can't stop thinking of two very special baby boys that will forever hold a place in my heart.  God, please help me understand what You are teaching me through this trip and where you are leading me now!  Help me to adjust to life back here and be able to make sense of all my varying emotions.  Most of all God, speak through me and give me the words to say so that You are glorified by this trip and my life from now on!  Thank you so much for this amazing opportunity and giving me the honor of serving those children and making a difference in their lives!  I love you God, and only want to serve you and your children.  In Your Great Name, Amen!"