The struggle of this season...

Ever since my first trip to Uganda this Christmas and Advent season stirs up so many mixed emotions inside me. I LOVE this time of year and spending time with my family, but the last few years I have had a bit of an ache in my heart as well. When your heart is in two places I suppose there will always be that ache because no matter where you are, there is a part of you that longs to be in the other place. I see friends and family with their children, doing all those fun Christmas activities and my heart breaks a little wishing I could be having those same experiences with my Bobby and Norah. It's like my heart is divided in two and will never completely be whole again, at least not this side of Heaven. I think this quote from a blog I read says it so well:

"I want to tell you that it’s going to be ok, that if you give yourself enough time, your heart will feel whole again. But I can’t, and it won’t – at least not on this side of eternity, I think. When home is on both sides of the world, when you let yourself love people who are separated by a lot of miles and a lot of water, your heart can’t stay in one piece.

But, you know what? I think maybe that’s not completely a bad thing.

My mom used to tell me that love is like a candle flame. When you divide it, when you use the flame to light another wick, it doesn’t take anything away. It gets twice as bright.
Our hearts are flames dividing."

My heart will always long to be both here with my family in the US and in Uganda with my Ugandan family. I begin to feel broken at times missing my Ugandan family wishing I could be there. But then I think about my family here and realize it's not fair to them if I am constantly wishing I were in Uganda. And so that is when my heart breaks from the constant struggle to be in two places at once. I've been learning however, that God uses that brokenness to remind me of His love and Faithfulness. He weaps when I weap, and He wants to be the One to wipe those tears and make my heart whole again with His love. He knows my heart and He knows the perfect plan he has for my life. So while my heart longs to be in two places, I know God always has me just where He wants me for that specific time. I trust that there will be a time when I can spend this time of year with my family on the other side of the world, and until then I will do everything I can to be present right here where God has me right now.