I've been meaning to write an update ever since I got back from Uganda, but between not having internet until a few weeks ago, and just life in general being busy, I am just now getting to it. There has been so much going on since my trip including getting ready for another international trip...but I'll get to that in another post. Truthfully part of my delay in writing has just been that I haven't really known exactly how to put everything into words. As expected everyone has been asking how my trip was when I got back from Uganda. I always smile and say it was great, which is the truth, but what haven't said is that it was also very difficult for me in a lot of ways. It was difficult because I don't think my heart was really fully ready for the disappointments and emotions I experienced while I was there. First, the whole situation and heartbreak with the guy I wrote about previously was still very fresh. For months I had thought about and looked forward to walking out of that airport in Entebbe and seeing him and his big smile standing there waiting for me! I had played that scene over and over in my head in anticipation. I had been so excited to see him standing there welcoming me when I arrived that night, but instead I walked out and was welcomed by complete strangers standing there holding a piece of paper with my name scribbled on it. It was almost like experiencing that initial heartbreak all over again. I don't think I was prepared for that at all...no, I know I wasn't prepared for that. I made it to the guest house that night tired, emotional, and just ready for a fresh new day. Thankfully, waking up the next morning to the familiar Ugandan sounds of roosters crowing, cicadas chirping, and all those other familiar sounds reminded me of my love for that country and not just a man that represented that place to me. God reaffirmed in my heart that it really is the country and people I truly love, and that my love for that place goes much deeper than any love I thought I had for a man who lives there.
The other very difficult part of this trip was seeing my sweet Bobby. I was so excited to see him again, but I knew after my last trip that he may need a little time to warm up to me. I was not prepared for the reality of his reaction though. As soon as I even tried to simply wave at him from a distance and say hi he would begin crying and screaming, drop to the ground, and back as far away from me as he could possibly get. My heart sank! This boy I love so dearly wants nothing to do with me, and is terrified of me! I hoped maybe as the day or days moved on he might as least allow me to get close enough to hug him or even just talk to him and tell him how much I love him. In reality, my hopes were dashed and things didn't improve at all. In fact it actually got worse at times. Just a look and a smile at him from across the room would send him into a full blown tantrum! My heart broke seeing this boy that I love completely reject me and be so afraid of me. And every time he broke down my heart broke a little more. I was completely crushed! All the other babies and children at his baby home loved me, and even fought over sitting with me at times. I was happy to love on the other kiddos, but deep down I longed just to hold Bobby for even just one moment. Unfortunately, that never happened. The closest I was ever able to get to him was a few feet away for a picture. I wasn't even able to get a single picture of just him and I together. The closest I came to having a moment with him was when his caregiver gave him the few little books and toys I had brought for him. He did at least seem to enjoy those and carried them around proudly for several minutes. I was still heartbroken that this boy I love wouldn't allow me to hug him or tell him how much I love him. I still don't totally understand why God allowed me the opportunity to go all that way to see him only to be completely rejected and heartbroken. Contrast that with my time with my sponsor daughter, Norah who came right to me. I was elated to finally meet her and hold her in my arms! We had two great days bonding and getting to know each other! I am so grateful I had such a nice time with Norah, because I don't know how I would have handled it if she hadn't come to me so easily. I still struggle at times with the heartbreak God allowed me to experience while I was there with Bobby, but He has been using that heartbreak (and the joy I felt with Norah) to teach me more about Him (as he so brilliantly does). God has taught me and shown me through this experience with Bobby that everything I experienced with him is often how we are with God. I have realized that the heartbreak I was feeling must be just a glimpse of how God feels every time I reject Him or His Ways, just as the joy I felt with Norah is like the joy God feels when we come to Him in complete surrender. God's heart breaks for us just as my heart broke for Bobby! Every time one of God's children rejects Him He feels that same pain I felt, and probably ten-fold. He sacrificed His Only Son for us, and when we reject Him He must experience that pain of losing His Son all over again, in addition to losing one of His children. You can sense God's anguish for His people's rejection here: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me." Luke 13:34. Our rejection of Him doesn't have to be complete rejection of His offer of Salvation. It can be something as simple as choosing to hold on to a worry or problem ourselves, rather than turn it over to Him and let Him bear those burdens for us. So, even though my time with Bobby wasn't anything like how I had hoped it would be, I have learned a valuable lesson about God's deep love for me. How much more His love is for me than the love I have for Bobby (or Norah), and how much more His heart must break when I reject Him or His ways! I am so thankful for His great love for me!! "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"
1 John 3:1a
