"It was then that I carried you..."

This time the last two years I was preparing to to go to Uganda. This year I am not able to go and I have no idea when I might be able to back. My heart longs for that place like my lungs need air!! I thought I was going to be able to go last month, but I wasn't able to because of some health problems (yes...more health issues). My heart was crushed when I realized I wasn't going to be able to go. And now...not knowing when I'll be able to go back is almost as painful! I am in this season where I seem to be traveling deeper and deeper into a valley that seems like there may never be an end. I keep getting bad news, my health keeps acting up, and nothing seems to go the way I hope it does. No matter how hard I try to crawl out I just seem to sink deeper and deeper into this valley! I have cried out to God, and pleaded with Him for things to change, but they don't. I have spent nights crying myself to sleep aching to be with those special people I love that live half a world away! I have begged for just one month that I feel "normal" again, and I have pleaded that maybe, finally this test might give us some answers, but no answers come. I have read, and prayed, and journaled hoping for some magic writing on the wall type revelation, but I still feel lost as ever. I have felt like Jacob wandering in the wilderness only to end up wrestling with God. But somehow, deep down, I still have this hope and faith that somehow things will get better! They have to! I was able to go away for a weekend by myself a couple weeks ago, and I went to the beautiful little beach town of South Haven, Michigan. It was such a nice time of just being alone and enjoying God's beauty. I spent one whole afternoon on the beach; and I spent a lot of that time just thinking, reflecting, and praying. While I was there walking along the beach, hearing the peaceful waves hitting the shore, I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". The one where a man looks back on this life and sees two sets of footprints, his and those of our Lord walking along side of him. However, during the hardest times of his life he noticed there was only one set. When he questioned the Lord about why there was only one set during those hard times the Lord responds by saying "It was then that I carried you!" I really hope when I look back on my life someday that there is only one set of footprints during this hard season, because I don't think I can get through it on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that God will be faithful and carry me through this difficult season, it's just hard to get my brain to wrap around that sometimes. A dear friend reminded me in a sweet letter I received the other day that sometimes these seasons of waiting and in the valleys is where God teaches us some of the most valuable lessons and readies us for the next big thing He has for us. I just hope and pray my heart and mind are open to His teaching and His leading ! In the meantime, I still long for and miss Uganda and all those I love so dearly there, but I know I will return there some way, somehow; and I know God is right here with me through it all!!