Being "Home"...

So, finally, here is an update after my recent trip back to Uganda.  I wish I could put into words what this trip was for me, and "how" this trip was.  That's the simple question most people ask, and yet I rarely have much more of an answer besides "great", or "amazing".  There are times I truly cannot find the words to describe how amazing this trip was, or the things that God did.  God showed up in some pretty amazing ways, and I will share more in some individual posts, but to say that God went before our team, and with our time there would be an understatement!  Being in that country again with those beautiful people again was, just as I imagined, like being home!  The moment the plane started the approach into the Entebbe airport and I looked out the window and saw those beautiful red dirt roads I immediately felt like I was back home!  Leaving that place and coming back home to the U.S. was even harder than I could have imagined!  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and left behind!  Coming home and being home has been pretty difficult for me.  I will be completely honest and say that boarding that plane to come back to the U.S. this time was one of the most difficult things I have ever done!  I felt like I was leaving the place I'm meant to be!  I know that must sound crazy to a lot of you, and that I may have officially gone off the deep end, but everything about Uganda feels so normal and comfortable to me!  God made some things pretty clear to me while I was in Uganda, and one of those things is that He just confirmed even more that my heart is in that country and with those beautiful people, and I will go back!  There is no doubt about that in my mind at all!  That may be pretty hard for some people to understand.  Some may question "Kristin, how can your heart be there, when your friends and family are here? Do you love those people and that place more than you love your own family and being near those you love?"  And the answer to that is No...absolutely not!  I love my family and friends here more than I can put into words!!  What I can tell you is God has placed Uganda and the people there on my heart for a reason!  The comfort I feel there, the love I have experienced there, and the joy I have there is certainly God given!  When you have the opportunity to bless an elderly couple and their family with just a small gift of food, and then see complete joy and gratitude exude from their faces it stays with you!  When you meet people who have absolutely nothing of monetary value, but can teach you what it truly means to be Rich it blesses your soul in a way I can't describe.  Being there with those amazing people and giving back even just a little of what they give me is what makes that place so amazing!  I think this quote states it pretty well!  "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."  I realize unless you have experienced falling completely in love with a completely foreign place like I have you will probably never understand how torn your heart can feel even when you are in your home town with the family and people you love.  I feel really blessed that God has grown my heart so much to allow two completely different places with completely different people to completely fill it!  I am humbled that He choose me to go to that beautiful country not once, but twice now, and more I'm am certain in the future!  It really is humbling and amazing to think that God picked me...this city slicker of a girl who will barely use a port-a-potty and can't stand bugs, to fall in love and feel so completely at home and comfortable in a place SO far out of my comfort zone!!  People who know me well, will understand how true that statement is!!  But, it just proves how God can take anyone, anywhere to places only He can imagine!  When you are willing to take a leap of faith, and step out of your own little world God can take you places you never dreamed!!  I am so glad I listened to His calling a year ago and let Him take me to places I never could have dreamed!!  If you would have asked me 3 years ago if I ever thought I would be completely in love and feel at home in a country in Africa I would have said you were a crazy person!!  But now, Uganda truly is my second home!! 

Going Home...

Today I spent most of the day doing things to get ready for my trip back to Uganda.  This morning I had an appointment at a travel health clinic to get a prescription for my antimalarial medication and ended up having a really great conversation with the girl that runs the clinic.  It was so fun to meet someone who really was a complete stranger but so interested in my trip and excited to hear about it!  Then, this afternoon and evening I went shopping with my mom for some last minute items I needed for the trip.  We even picked up a couple little things to take to Bobby!  This day has been full of getting things ready and as I have been preparing for this trip I have been feeling more and more as if I am getting ready to go home!  I know that may seem weird to a lot of you, but this huge piece of my heart is there and I feel like I'm going back to where my heart is!  Please don't think that I don't love it here and love my family and friends here, because that is just not the case!!  My heart is here with my family too!!  But, ever since leaving Uganda almost a year ago now I have not felt as "at home" here.  Almost as if my heart is split in two and it will never be the same again!!  I know I will probably leave an even bigger piece of my heart there this time so forgive me friends if it takes me awhile to get back to "normal" here.  I can't wait to put my feet back on that red soil and once again see some of the people who have changed my life forever!!  I am so excited to see what God has in store this time and how He will continue to wreck my life in a beautiful way because of those beautiful people and that beautiful country!! 

Ten days and counting...

I leave for Uganda in 10 days!!  Yes...just 10 days!!  While I'm really excited, I have been feeling a whole range of emotions the last few days!!  Everything from excitement to sadness and extreme nerves!  Why would I be sad when I have been looking forward to this trip for so long?  As you may remember there was a little girl, Rose, I really connected with on my last trip to Uganda.  As I've been thinking about going back and preparing I've been thinking a lot about Rose!!  The thing that I am sad about is that I won't be able to see her when I go back this time!  I miss her, and her beautiful smile and vibrant personality!  The fact that I will be so close and yet not be able to see her breaks my heart!  I pray that she knows I haven't forgotten her and that she knows how much she is loved!  I pray she learns to know our Savior and His love most of all, and I hope she saw His love through me those few days we spent together!

 

The nerves have been kicking in a lot the last few days too!  I'm nervous I will compare this trip to my last one and it won't "measure up", or it will be more and I'll forget things about my previous trip.  And, while I cannot wait to see Bobby and wrap my arms around that sweet baby I am also very nervous about seeing Bobby again...excited, but very nervous!  I've had all these thoughts going through my head like "what if he doesn't like me?" or "what if he's afraid of me?" or "what if the connection I think and hope is there isn't?".  I was talking to a couple friends last night and tonight about all my fears and they both had some great words of encouragement!  First, in response to some of these nerves and fears my dear friend had these wise words to say: "That's your chance to show him Christ love for him and your love for him. How many times does do we turn our backs on the comfort our Father wants to give us. I think if you focus on sharing the love of Christ no matter what you won't be disappointed."  What a great way to look at it!!  It's not about Bobby loving me or having a response to me, it's about Him knowing Jesus through me and knowing God's love as a result (even in small part) of allowing God to love him through me!  What a great change in perspective!  My other friend gave me some great encouragement about the trip as well: "God has called you to Africa for a reason Kristin!  That very reason could be for Bobby, or it could be something else He reveals to you this trip!  The God of the universe has a HUGE thing for you!"  I'm so grateful for friends that speak truth like this into me and encourage me when I'm struggling or feeling unsure about things!! 

 

The thing that has been hard for me that I've been wrestling with knowing that this trip is coming up soon is knowing I will be gone during my nephew's open heart surgery.  God has clearly opened all the doors for this trip and made things happen to allow me to go that would not have fallen into place without His hand in it!  But, my heart still wants to be here for my nephew and my sister so badly!  I have prayed many, many prayers asking God to make it clear if I should cancel the trip, and He hasn't.  He has continued to whisper in my ear to just Trust HIM!  So, as hard as it will be to be half way around the world knowing my nephew is fighting through such a major surgery, I have to just lean on God's promises and Trust that He has Bryson in His perfect hands!!  I am sure that my heart will feel completely torn those last few days of my trip, but I have to also remember (as hard as it will be) that God has me in Africa for that specific time for a reason and I can't let my worry about my nephew hinder His work through me there!  So, friends...I'm asking you to come along side me and pray for me during this trip.  Pray for my spirit and that my worrisome nature won't get the best of me while I am in Uganda the day of my nephew's surgery.  Pray for the children and ministries I will be visiting!  Pray for Bobby and for him to know God a little bit more as I allow God to love him through me!  And finally, please pray for my nephew, my sister and brother-in-law, the rest of my family, and the doctors on that day of my nephew's surgery (Oct 17th) and the days following!  Thank you friends!! 

"Trust Me...I've got this!"

You know those times when you're trying to learn something, and it just won't sink into your thick skull until you hammer it in over and over?  No?  Maybe it's just me.  (I doubt it though if we're all being really honest).  I think sometimes in our Christian lives we all have periods where we are trying with all good intentions to trust God with something, when in reality we are really still clinging to it like our lives depend on it.  We say "I trust you God", but our actions and thoughts say otherwise!  We're human, so our human minds want to know that everything will be fine so we try to control it.  Because, if we control it then we can ensure the outcome is what we want.  God doesn't work that way!!  He knows what is best for us, and He simply wants us to trust him with that!  He has a perfect plan for our lives (Jer 29:11) and He may not always reveal that plan the timing we would like, but His ways are perfect!!  God has been teaching me that lesson over and over in my life, and these past few weeks have been somewhat of a turning point!  Now I'm not saying I'm perfect or have this mastered by any means, but at least with these situations I think I'm ready to let Him take control and put my faith and trust completely in Him!  Let me explain...

 

Those that know me and/or read my blog know that I have been planning on returning to Uganda in October to minister to more precious kiddos, and see my precious Bobby!!  You may also know that my precious nephew, Bryson, was born with some pretty major heart defects and has been quite the tough little guy fighting, and growing big and strong for his next open heart surgery.  (If you want to follow his story go here).  Well, as you can imagine, I have planned all along to be there for Bryson's next surgery to be there for my sister, and for Bryson, and the rest of my family.  I waited for months to book my airfare to Uganda until we had a good idea of when that surgery would be so that it wouldn't interfere with my plans to go to Uganda.  Then we heard the surgery was scheduled for August 13th and it was set on the calendar.  So, being confident it was no where near my trip I bought my plane tickets and began planning my trip full throttle!  Well, long story-short...Bryson's surgery was postponed and rescheduled for October 17th...three days before I return from Uganda.  All this time I had been thinking God had worked out all the details for me to be able to go to Uganda and be here for Bryson's surgery, but then this!  How could I choose between being here and going there?  The first couple days after I got the news I will admit I was pretty torn up about it.  I felt completely confused and unsure of what I was supposed to do!  I was torn between being here for Bryson's surgery for my family and even selfishly for my own peace of mind, and going to Uganda to see Bobby and return to that land that hold part of my heart!  I was clinging to my own human desires and way of thinking and not trusting that God had a bigger plan!  I finally just got to my knees...I prayed, I cried, I prayed some more, I asked why, I cried again, and then I just gave it all Up!!  I asked God to make it clear what I should do!  I sought wise counsel from a few dear friends, I dug into the Word, and continued to pray!  And then I read When you hit a wall of rejection, a blog by Sharon Jaynes that I just "happened" to stumble upon one night when I was praying for direction.  Here is an excerpt:

 

"At some point in your life, someone whose opinion matters might tell you that you are not 'fit to sail.'  Someone may deny you passage on the ship that you know was meant for you...You might even stand on the dock of your precisely prepared hopes and dreams and watch as your friends get on the ship without you.  And if that happens, you will have a choice. You can give up and go home. Or you can do what you need to do to get on board. You can take a cab, take a plane, take a bus,  take a ferry, and do whatever you need to do to get on the ship God has sitting in the dock for you...Pressing on in the shadow of rejection is hard. Going home is easier. But it is those who persist in the shadow of disappointment that experience the sweetness of success."

 

I immediately sensed God saying "GO! Trust me with the rest, and Go!", but I still felt so uneasy about leaving and possibly not being here for the surgery!  How can I be so far away knowing my precious nephew I adore is having open heart surgery?  How can I be so far away and not be there for my sister on probably one of the scariest days of her life?  But I continued to sense God asking me to trust Him and continue with my plans to go.  And then a conversation with my sister confirmed it even more, she gave me full support and understanding and told me to go.  So, with a little hesitation, I confirmed my trip with the leaders, and paid off my final payment for the trip.  There is still an option to change some flights and come back a few days early, but my sister convinced me wait to do that until closer to the date just in case things get changed again.  Through a lot of prayer, devotions, digging into the Word, and some more wise counsel from dear friends I began to really just sense God to ask me to just completely TRUST HIM with Bryson and the surgery!!  I realized that me wanting to be here was in a way telling God I didn't trust him completely and wanted to control that part myself!  I still would love to be here for my family as support, but they are all being completely supportive and understanding!  I read this on Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience: "We see only a sliver of the sum. We cannot see how the bad might be good. God is sovereign and He is good and He sees and work all things together for good."  So, even though I don't know what is going to happen down the road, how this will all play out, and why all of this has happened, God does!!  God keeps giving me circumstances where all I can do is trust Him!  When he wants to teach us something He will continue to hammer it through our thick skulls until we get it!!  God is continuing to whisper in my ear every day "Trust Me!  I've got this!"  So, Trust I will...God's got this people!!  God's got your life too!!  He's got it all!!  All He asks of us is to Trust HIM!!! 

One year!

Dear Bobby,

Today is your birthday baby boy! You are one year old today!! As I think about how much you've grown and thrived this year I am amazed by God's goodness and provision in your young life already!! I've had the blessing of knowing you for almost 10 months and from the moment I first saw you and held you in my arms you captured my heart!! I fell in love with you in just a few hours and have continued to love you more all the time even being so far away from you!! I've cried myself to sleep on occasion missing you and wishing I could hold you in my arms again! I am so comforted though knowing that you are in the loving hands of Damalie and all the wonderful caregivers at Sangaalo! But more importantly, I am comforted by the fact that God has you in His hands and has a perfect plan for your life!! Bobby, I want you to know that I love you very much!! I pray for you all the time and ask God to continue to watch over you and help you grow into a godly man! I pray that you will know much love in your life and will come to know God's love in a very real way! I pray you will know the Joy of the Lord and have a very full life! I'm so grateful that God placed you in my life and that I can be part of yours in even a small way! I hope and pray I will be able to hold you in my arms again in just a few months!! I love you sweet boy!!