He Knows....

Music has always been something that I really connect with and can really pierce into my heart and soul.  I really believe God can speak to us through music, at least I know He does for me.  Hearing the right song at the right time can lift my spirits, or confirm or deny something I've been praying for.  A song can remind me of so many of God's attributes.  And music is one way I really connect with God in worship.  I heard a song a couple weeks ago just a day or two after my heartbreaking situation I last wrote about that brought me to tears when I heard it.  It was almost as if God played that song right then just for me!  It was the song "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp.  Here it is...go ahead and listen...I'll wait...

Good stuff...huh!?  That song reminded me in those dark moments that God knew and knows at all times everything that I'm going through.  Nothing is a surprise to Him!!  In those days immediately following my heartbreak that song brought me much comfort and hope!!  Now when I hear the song it not only brings comfort and hope, but also such joy that I can rest easy no matter what my situation is because God knows and is in control!!  Jesus walked through the suffering and hurt that we go through; He knows what it is to lose a friend, He knows what it feels like to feel sorrow and joy!!  The line "You barely have the strength to pray" is one that really hit me.  How often have you just felt so broken and weary that you didn't even have the strength or will to pray?  That's ok because He already knows our needs before we even do!  Then that last part...it really got me!!  "Every time that you feel forsaken, Every time that you feel alone, He is near to the broken-hearted, Every tear, He knows..." Every tear!!  He knows every single tear we cry, and He wants to be the One to wipe away those tears with his loving embrace!! This song is just a simple reminder of God's all knowing, comforting heart for us!  I hope that maybe by sharing this song it can be an encouragement for someone else as it has been for me these past few weeks!  Just remember...He Knows!!!

Uganda bound...(When God makes lemonade out of a very lemony situation!)

It's hard to know where to even begin. I'm going to have to be pretty vulnerable and as we all know that can be quite scary...so bear with me if this seems as though I'm rambling or something. I have been dying to go back to Uganda since I returned from my last trip. My heart is there in so many ways, but over the last year or so it began to grow there in a way I hadn't really anticipated. I have made a lot of friends over there during my trips, but one of those friendships was just different from the very beginning. Without going into many details, this friendship developed into more and I began to develop feelings I haven't really felt before. (In case you haven't figured it out by now...yes...it was a man.) We talked nearly everyday, we shared our hopes and dreams, and we shared a vision of what the future could look like. I prayed about this relationship and friendship, and I began to feel like I needed to take the next step and return to Uganda in order to really see where this really might go. He begged me to come visit too, so when I was finally able to schedule some time off next month I bought a plane ticket. I was so excited for what this trip could bring, not only was I finally going to be back on that Ugandan soil, but I would be there with someone who had become one of my best friends and someone I could envision a future with! We began making plans and talking about how excited we were to be able to spend some quality time together. I was so excited! I didn't really share about the trip because we didn't want it to be a big deal. So I kept my excitement mostly to myself and my family and a few close friends. Then the bomb dropped...long story-short I found out very abruptly that this man I had given my heart to was not at all who I thought he was, and that much (if not all) of what he was telling me about his feelings for me were a lie!! He betrayed me and hurt me in a way that is almost inexplicable! I was crushed!! My heart shattered into a million tiny piece!! I was hurt, angry, heartbroken, and honestly a little dumbfounded! And then the realization that I had this plane ticket set in. What was I going to do now?? It was less than 4 weeks before I was supposed to leave and the plane ticket was nonrefundable!! I had no idea if I could even make new arrangements and accommodations this short notice. I felt completely at a loss and that I would probably have to just eat the cost of the ticket. Thankfully, though, I have some great friends who encouraged me not to give up. I began to pray that God would open new doors if I was still supposed to go on this trip, and I tried to just trust in His plans. So, I reached out to a few people to see if they had any ideas or tips on what to do. One of these friends came to my rescue in a huge way!! She has a ministry and offered to get a trip together for me!! I get to go visit and work at the children's homes my babies Bobby and Norah are at!! It was most definitely a huge answer to prayer and obviously a God thing!! I was and still am SO incredibly grateful!! God took this situation that was completely heartbreaking and seemed so hopeless, and turned it into an opportunity for me to love on my sweet sponsor babies and visit with some dear friends! I am so grateful for God's provision and faithfulness through all of this. His plans really are better than ours, and I'm excited to see how He uses this trip to continue to teach me that!! The trip will be here before I know it, and I am so looking forward to being back in that beautiful country that has completely stolen my heart!!

The struggle of this season...

Ever since my first trip to Uganda this Christmas and Advent season stirs up so many mixed emotions inside me. I LOVE this time of year and spending time with my family, but the last few years I have had a bit of an ache in my heart as well. When your heart is in two places I suppose there will always be that ache because no matter where you are, there is a part of you that longs to be in the other place. I see friends and family with their children, doing all those fun Christmas activities and my heart breaks a little wishing I could be having those same experiences with my Bobby and Norah. It's like my heart is divided in two and will never completely be whole again, at least not this side of Heaven. I think this quote from a blog I read says it so well:

"I want to tell you that it’s going to be ok, that if you give yourself enough time, your heart will feel whole again. But I can’t, and it won’t – at least not on this side of eternity, I think. When home is on both sides of the world, when you let yourself love people who are separated by a lot of miles and a lot of water, your heart can’t stay in one piece.

But, you know what? I think maybe that’s not completely a bad thing.

My mom used to tell me that love is like a candle flame. When you divide it, when you use the flame to light another wick, it doesn’t take anything away. It gets twice as bright.
Our hearts are flames dividing."

My heart will always long to be both here with my family in the US and in Uganda with my Ugandan family. I begin to feel broken at times missing my Ugandan family wishing I could be there. But then I think about my family here and realize it's not fair to them if I am constantly wishing I were in Uganda. And so that is when my heart breaks from the constant struggle to be in two places at once. I've been learning however, that God uses that brokenness to remind me of His love and Faithfulness. He weaps when I weap, and He wants to be the One to wipe those tears and make my heart whole again with His love. He knows my heart and He knows the perfect plan he has for my life. So while my heart longs to be in two places, I know God always has me just where He wants me for that specific time. I trust that there will be a time when I can spend this time of year with my family on the other side of the world, and until then I will do everything I can to be present right here where God has me right now.

Choosing to Hope and finding Joy...

I would be lying if I said these last few months have been easy...they've sort of been the opposite of easy actually. I know things could be a lot worse for me, and that things are a lot worse for a lot of people in this world, but I will be very honest and admit I was becoming very discouraged about a lot of things the last few months...my health, my job, and missing Uganda more than I could handle. The enemy is sneaky in his tactics to lure us away from the Lord. He uses little things like doubt, uncertainty, and fear to slowly pick away at our joy and confidence in Christ. I was quickly falling into his trap and letting myself doubt that I would be able to claw myself out of the pit I had fallen into. And right there is part of my problem...I was of the mindset that I had to get myself out of this pit of doubt and discouragement, but that is exactly why I was in the pit to begin with. I had been trying to get out on my own, and that was just not possible! The only way out of that pit was to allow God to lift me out!! And He has!! Only he can give us the strength and courage to face hard times head on. A lot of things haven't really changed much...my health is better, not perfect, but better; my job is still hard at times (night shift is killing me); and I still don't really have any idea when I might be able to go back to Uganda. So what has changed that I'm no longer feeling stuck in that pit? Hope! Hope is a common theme in the Bible. When I did a keyword search for the word "hope" on biblegateway.com it came back with 180 results! So what is this "hope"? To quote bible.org "hope is the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised in the Word is true, has occurred, and or will occur in accordance with God’s sure Word."  God's promises are true!!  Promises like the ones found in one of my favorite verses: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future."  With that Hope we can find real Joy!!  He has perfect plans for our lives, and even when things may feel bleak, He is still in control. Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."  An anchor for the soul...think about that. An anchor, something relatively small in comparison to the vessel it is tied to, but yet it holds a firm grip on that vessel to keep it from drifting away, even in the midst of a storm!  Here are a few more verses that speak to the hope and joy we can find in Christ!

   

Psalm 42:5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." 

Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I've found in the last few weeks that when you choose to have hope in God's promises and faithfulness, you in turn find the kind of Joy only He can give!!  

"It was then that I carried you..."

This time the last two years I was preparing to to go to Uganda. This year I am not able to go and I have no idea when I might be able to back. My heart longs for that place like my lungs need air!! I thought I was going to be able to go last month, but I wasn't able to because of some health problems (yes...more health issues). My heart was crushed when I realized I wasn't going to be able to go. And now...not knowing when I'll be able to go back is almost as painful! I am in this season where I seem to be traveling deeper and deeper into a valley that seems like there may never be an end. I keep getting bad news, my health keeps acting up, and nothing seems to go the way I hope it does. No matter how hard I try to crawl out I just seem to sink deeper and deeper into this valley! I have cried out to God, and pleaded with Him for things to change, but they don't. I have spent nights crying myself to sleep aching to be with those special people I love that live half a world away! I have begged for just one month that I feel "normal" again, and I have pleaded that maybe, finally this test might give us some answers, but no answers come. I have read, and prayed, and journaled hoping for some magic writing on the wall type revelation, but I still feel lost as ever. I have felt like Jacob wandering in the wilderness only to end up wrestling with God. But somehow, deep down, I still have this hope and faith that somehow things will get better! They have to! I was able to go away for a weekend by myself a couple weeks ago, and I went to the beautiful little beach town of South Haven, Michigan. It was such a nice time of just being alone and enjoying God's beauty. I spent one whole afternoon on the beach; and I spent a lot of that time just thinking, reflecting, and praying. While I was there walking along the beach, hearing the peaceful waves hitting the shore, I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". The one where a man looks back on this life and sees two sets of footprints, his and those of our Lord walking along side of him. However, during the hardest times of his life he noticed there was only one set. When he questioned the Lord about why there was only one set during those hard times the Lord responds by saying "It was then that I carried you!" I really hope when I look back on my life someday that there is only one set of footprints during this hard season, because I don't think I can get through it on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that God will be faithful and carry me through this difficult season, it's just hard to get my brain to wrap around that sometimes. A dear friend reminded me in a sweet letter I received the other day that sometimes these seasons of waiting and in the valleys is where God teaches us some of the most valuable lessons and readies us for the next big thing He has for us. I just hope and pray my heart and mind are open to His teaching and His leading ! In the meantime, I still long for and miss Uganda and all those I love so dearly there, but I know I will return there some way, somehow; and I know God is right here with me through it all!!