Mommy

I don't really know where to start. I feel numb. We lost a baby at work last night and it hit me harder than I expected. I don't know why, but lately all I can think about is being a mom and how much I want that so badly. I sat at work last night holding a fussy little guy I've been taking care of, and as I sat there holding him my thoughts first went to how horrible it must be for that poor mom that she will never be able to hold her little one again...and that the only time she really ever got to hold her was when she was dying. After seeing a dear friend go through the loss of her daughter, my heart ached for this mother. But then selfishness crept in and I sat there holding that baby thinking about how much I yearn for the chance to be a mother myself. I have sooo much love to give. My thoughts went back to the baby I was holding whose mother rarely visits and I just sort of sat and cherished that moment just being able to comfort that little one, even for just those few moments. I feel sometimes that I have a bit of a gift the way that I can just sit and be with a baby and calm them, sometimes when no one else can. Maybe for now that's all I'm meant to do, but I still yearn sooo much to be a mother myself. I think of all my amazing friends that are mothers and I envy them. I am sooo very happy for all of them and enjoy so much hearing about their little ones. I love being a part of their and their kid's lives. It's such an honor to me that they allow me to take part in little moments of their families lives. I love seeing the kids grow, and learn, and discover the world. I only hope and pray that one day I might be able to see all that through my own children's eyes. I don't know what the future hold for me, but I hope that it included motherhood. I wonder sometimes about being a foster parent, but I know how hard it would be for me to ever have to say goodbye to a little one. Not to mention I have no one to babysit for me during the night when I'd be working. I would love to adopt someday. And I think that one day if I don't marry, I will adopt, even on my own. I guess for now I will have to "settle" for being an "auntie" to all my friend's kids, and try to enjoy some of the quiet moments at work of being able to just sit and rock a little one to sleep. I think that is definately one of the best parts of being a neonatal nurse. I love my job and I love being "auntie" Kristin, but I hope and pray that someday I might hear my own little one call me Mommy.

Needed to spill....

Ok so call this a pity party, call it a melt down, call it what you want....I just get the need every now and then to just write and spill everything on my mind. I'm getting to this point in my life where I'm realizing that all of my friends are married and having kids and I'm starting to feel like everyone's life is moving forward and I'm stuck. I know I'm just starting this new life here in Cincinnati, and I need to be patient, but I see all my friends happilly married and being moms and loving it and as wrong as it is I get a little jealous when I see it. I really want to be patient and trust that God will allow it all to happen for me when the time is right, but it's sooooo hard to do that when you feel like it may never happen. I want to enjoy my singleness while I can and embrace it and I feel like I have done that some. I never would have been able to make either of these big moves across the country if I were married or had a family. I feel like I'm here now, close to my friends and family and that I'm ready for that next part of my life and not just the marriage and family part, but just being settled. I know that I just need to be patient and wait for God's timing. I realize I've only been here for a few months and I just need to give it time. It just seems like it's taking a bit longer for me to get settled here than I thought it would. I still haven't settled on a church, I've been gone or working so many Sundays the last several weeks I just haven't had a chance. I am still finding it hard to feel like I "fit in" at work. I like it, I'm just not making any friends. I know it will take time. I know I need to be patient. But sometimes it's just hard to have that patience when you're alone in a new city, even when you are close to friends and family. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, mostly just being close to my friends and family again and being able to be close enough to be here for special things in their lives. I'm really enjoying my new job. I'm trying to be happy here and just be thankful for what I have. I have great friends and an awesome family. I guess I just need to be patient and see what God has in store for me here. In the meantime....I may still have my "moments"...so bear with me. And just as a side note...to all my dear friends who are mommies or soon to be mommies...just know how very happy I am for you and that you are all enjoying motherhood. I enjoy hearing all your stories about your awesome kiddos...I live vicariously thru you everytime I see you with your kids or hear your stories. You're all such amazing roll models to me and I only hope that one day I can be as good a mom as all of you are...

My first blog....

So I decided to check this out and see if I like it. I've always liked journaling so maybe this can be somewhat of an online diary. I'm soooo excited about my move to Cincinnati! I can't wait to be close to my friends and family again, and have that support system so close again. Being out here in Albuquerque has probably been the most trying 18 months of my life. There have been a lot of ups and down, mostly downs unfortunately. I don't regret moving out here, but I'm glad to be moving closer to home again. I guess I'm just a homebody. These last 18 months have really taught me how strong of a person I can be though. Even at the worst times when I didn't think I could stand another day I managed to pull through and come out the other side a stronger person. I've learned to rely on myself more and not rely on other people to always bring me out of the depths. I've discovered what it means to have real true friends, and I've come to cherish those few true friends I have. I'm excited to start a new life in Cincinnati and get back to what I really love doing working in the hospital. The next few months will definately be a great adventure!