Mommy

I don't really know where to start. I feel numb. We lost a baby at work last night and it hit me harder than I expected. I don't know why, but lately all I can think about is being a mom and how much I want that so badly. I sat at work last night holding a fussy little guy I've been taking care of, and as I sat there holding him my thoughts first went to how horrible it must be for that poor mom that she will never be able to hold her little one again...and that the only time she really ever got to hold her was when she was dying. After seeing a dear friend go through the loss of her daughter, my heart ached for this mother. But then selfishness crept in and I sat there holding that baby thinking about how much I yearn for the chance to be a mother myself. I have sooo much love to give. My thoughts went back to the baby I was holding whose mother rarely visits and I just sort of sat and cherished that moment just being able to comfort that little one, even for just those few moments. I feel sometimes that I have a bit of a gift the way that I can just sit and be with a baby and calm them, sometimes when no one else can. Maybe for now that's all I'm meant to do, but I still yearn sooo much to be a mother myself. I think of all my amazing friends that are mothers and I envy them. I am sooo very happy for all of them and enjoy so much hearing about their little ones. I love being a part of their and their kid's lives. It's such an honor to me that they allow me to take part in little moments of their families lives. I love seeing the kids grow, and learn, and discover the world. I only hope and pray that one day I might be able to see all that through my own children's eyes. I don't know what the future hold for me, but I hope that it included motherhood. I wonder sometimes about being a foster parent, but I know how hard it would be for me to ever have to say goodbye to a little one. Not to mention I have no one to babysit for me during the night when I'd be working. I would love to adopt someday. And I think that one day if I don't marry, I will adopt, even on my own. I guess for now I will have to "settle" for being an "auntie" to all my friend's kids, and try to enjoy some of the quiet moments at work of being able to just sit and rock a little one to sleep. I think that is definately one of the best parts of being a neonatal nurse. I love my job and I love being "auntie" Kristin, but I hope and pray that someday I might hear my own little one call me Mommy.