Faithful...

As Christians sometimes I think it can be easy to say things because they seem like the right thing to say or because it is what we should say, but deep down do we really mean it?  Something I know I've said at times with sort of a grain of salt is "I know God is faithful" but as hard as it is to admit there were times I really wondered and had doubts that He truly would be in that situation.  As my relationship with the Lord has grown, my trust in His faithfulness has grown also, but at times I still have doubts. I think that is one way, at least in my own life, the enemy really sneaks in does his damage. He plants that seed of doubt and then our own human nature and insecurities take over and that doubt just continues to grow.  These past few weeks have been rather trying for me on a personal level. I haven't suffered anything traumatic or completely life altering, but I have been having some issues with my health.  I won't go into details but my symptoms have been somewhat vague, yet bad enough that I have now missed two and a half weeks of work.  The doctors I have been seeing are sort of at a loss as to what is going on.  I have had numerous blood tests, scans, and x-rays over the past couple weeks with everything coming back "unremarkable".  To say that I have been frustrated would be an understatement!  I have spent the majority of the past couple weeks on my couch, which may sound nice, but it gets old real quick.  I just want to feel "normal" again.  I have prayed over and over with every doctor appointment or test that God would provide some answers, but none have come.  I was beginning to feel completely at a loss and that God was feeling more and more absent in my situation.  I just didn't understand why I am dealing with this and even more why I haven't been getting any answers. I was really beginning to question God's faithfulness in this situation.  But then, as God so often does in His perfect Divine timing, He reminded me of his faithfulness through a song that I had never heard before called "Faithful" by the band Hawk Nelson (If you haven't heard it go listen to it!).  It seemed as though that song was being played just for me!  Here are the lyrics of the first verse and chorus:

 

You never promised me that this would be easy
I never knew that anything could be this hard
I wanna trust that You know what You're doin'
But right now, I'm just fallin' apart
It's hard to see it when I'm livin' in the moment
But Your love's still written on my heart
I get lost when I feel the wind blowin'
I gotta cling to who You are

'Cause You are good
Even when You're not understood

No matter how many skies fall down
I'm covered under the peace I've found
You're my shelter when there's nowhere else to go
No matter how many times I break
You promise always to keep me safe
You're my rescue when I'm spinning outta control
You are faithful, faithful
You are faithful, faithful

 

The lines that reminded me that God IS ALWAYS GOOD even when we don't understand went straight to my core!!  He IS FAITHFUL!!  It may not always happen when or how we would like, but God always has us in the palm of His hands and will bring us through our most trying times if we will just trust in Him!  I still don't know when I will get any answers about my health or when I will feel "normal" and be able to go back to normal activities again, but I do know and really genuinely believe now that God has a purpose for even this and that He will be faithful to bring me through it!!  Maybe the purpose is simply to teach me to trust Him more, or believe in His faithfulness more, or maybe there is an even bigger purpose.  Only He knows, but regardless, I know that He is teaching me and I am grateful for even this trying time in my life that is allowing me to grow closer to my Heavenly Father! 

One day in Your courts!

We sang a song at church this past Sunday at the new church I think I am going to start attending that I hadn't heard in quite awhile, but it really struck a cord with me. I have been searching for a new church home off and on for that past 6 months since I moved back home to Fort Wayne. After attending such an amazing church down in Indy, I guess I had a high standard and just wouldn't settle until I felt like God had really led me to the right place. My new job made it even more difficult because I have been working a lot more weekends and haven't been able to go on a lot of Sundays. The song we sang this past Sunday that really hit home was Better Is One Day. It's a pretty popular worship song sung by the likes of Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Kuttless, but just in case you haven't heard it here are the lyrics to the first verse and chorus

How lovely is

Your dwelling place

Oh Lord Almighty,

For my soul longs

And even faints

For You

Oh, here my heart

Is satisfied (is satisfied)

Within Your presence

I see beneath

The shadow of

Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts

Better is one day in Your house

Better is one day in Your courts

Than thousands elsewhere

After a time of being in church so intermittently, being back in church this past Sunday reminded me how important and refreshing being in His Dwelling Place really is!  It is true.  My soul really was longing and even fainting for His presence. I was spiritually thirsty and hungering for that feeling of worshiping with fellow believers and lifting voices to our God.  But, even as amazing as being back in church and "His Courts" was I realized while we were singing that song that being in God's Dwelling Place doesn't mean you have to be in a church building!  I have experienced some of the most amazing worship experiences outside of a church building...in my car, my home, and even in the bush in Africa!  In fact, the most raw and authentic worship experiences I've had were in church services in Uganda!!  Those Ugandans know how to worship!!  They could teach us all a thing or two or ten about how to truly commune with God!!  In this new year I am going to focus a lot more on really finding time to spend with God in His Dwelling Place on a daily basis!  It is there that He teaches me, and molds me, and leads me to places I can never imagine!!  He has big things in store for my life this year and I can't wait to discover more and more what those are!  I'm done trying to fit God into my life and my schedule!!  One day in His Courts is far better than a thousand in mine!!  

Another year older...another year ending...a new year dawning.

It's New Years Eve, and yesterday was my birthday.  As I have been reflecting on the past year I am once again amazed at what God has brought me through and allowed me to experience in my life!  There have been times of great joy, and times of disappointment and sorrow.  Many things did not go how I expected or planned, but God has been faithful through it all!  I became an Aunt to the most amazing baby boy  and little heart warrior ever!  I was able to return to Uganda for a second time and fell even more in love  with that country than I already was!  My hopes of adopting have been put on hold, but I am at peace with it now.  So many things He has had his hand on in my life throughout this past year.  Is my life where I thought it would be as I turned 33 yesterday?  No, not exactly, but in many ways its been better than I could have imagined.  True there have still been disappointments, but I'm learning more and more that God's plan is Always better than my own, so it's much easier to just let Him have control in the first place!  So, as 2014 approaches, that is my plan...to let Him be in full control!  I am human so I am sure there will still be times I will try to hold on for dear life to "my plans", but I pray as I enter this new year I will be more open than ever before to where he leads and wants to do in my life!  I am so excited to see where God leads me in 2014, and am ready and willing to go and do whatever he has in store!  So, farewell 2013, you've been great...hello 2014 lets see what you've got in store!! 

The day I met Jesus through a little girl...

I have been back from Uganda month now and the ache to go back hasn't faded a bit!  But, since I can't ho back right this minute I have been trying to keep it fresh in my mind by looking at pictures and recalling all the wonderful memories and experiences! I want to share one of those experiences with you today.

It was October 14th, exactly one year ton the day since I had first stepped foot in Uganda! It was sort of a bittersweet day for me because we had driven right by the home Rose is at and I was so sad I was so close and couldn't see her again. I was also missing Bobby because our time there had ended the day before and I knew I wouldn't be able to see him again.  That day my team went and visited the Home Again Ministry's Bethel School which is in the Karamajong village. Home again was a ministry my previous team actually visited and worked with, but I had not been there because it was the day I was flat in bed all day with a back injury and unable to go with the team. But I had heard great things and was excited to see it for myself! Just as some background, the Karamajong tribe is a group of people that were nomadic refugees from other parts of Uganda and East Africa and have been very isolated because of ethnic reasons. They are poorest of poor, and many families are single moms with many children and little to no income to support them. Hope Grafted In, the organization I went with this time, had helped raise funds and provide a grant for Home Again Ministries to build this school, so we went to see the new school and hear more about its progress. While we were there we had about an hour to just play and interact with the school children. These kids don't see many muzugus (white people) and they swarmed us!! They wanted to touch our white skin, and feel our hair. They loved just holding on to a finger or hand or just having their arm on ours. At on point the kids were all distracted by candy, so I decided to walk across the school yard to find a shady spot to stand for a few minutes. As i was walking, I felt a little hand grab ahold of mine and gently tug. I looked down and there stood the sweetest little girl of about 6 or 7 years old with a front teeth missing smile looking up at me! She motioned for me to bend down so I knelt to her level and in the sweetest voice she introduced herself and asked me my name. Honestly, here is the hard part, to this day I still don't know her name because I never understood quite what she was saying. I so wish I did though! I told her my name and she sweetly looked up to me and said "I love you Auntie Kristin! Sank you for coming to visit me!" (And no that's not a typo, she said thank you with a lisp because of her front teeth missing). I can still hear that sweet, soft voice now! We walked over to the shade hand in hand and as if that wasn't enough to melt my heart she turned to face me, took both my hands in hers and asked if she could pray for ME!  I nearly burst into tears right then!!  But, I held it together and listened to this little girl pray the sweetest, most heart felt prayer of blessing and thanksgiving over me I have ever heard!!  Right there in that moment I knew I was meeting Jesus in the flesh of a little girl with a toothless smile and cute little lisp!! It brings me to tears right now even thinking about it!!  I was humbled to the core, and my heart burst wide open right there in the middle of a school yard!!  The love I experienced and felt at that moment is like none I've experienced before.  It was truly and completely unconditional love!! This little girl had no idea who I was, she was just grateful that we came to see her and her school, and knew we had a small part in her being able to even go to school.  Any sadness about not seeing Rose, or missing Bobby was gone!!  This little girl had been Jesus to me and opened my eyes to what it really means to love and be Jesus to others!!  I then prayed for her as well, not nearly as eloquently I'm sure, and we spent the rest of my time there side by side. I think about that little girl often and wonder what sort of impact she will have in her village.  I wonder if she will ever have any idea how much she impacted my life that day!  And I pray she continues to grow and learn, and know Jesus well!! Here are a couple pictures of her.

Do you see it? Do you see Jesus in her eyes? Because I do! Every time I see her face I see the His Love looking back at me!!

Being "Home"...

So, finally, here is an update after my recent trip back to Uganda.  I wish I could put into words what this trip was for me, and "how" this trip was.  That's the simple question most people ask, and yet I rarely have much more of an answer besides "great", or "amazing".  There are times I truly cannot find the words to describe how amazing this trip was, or the things that God did.  God showed up in some pretty amazing ways, and I will share more in some individual posts, but to say that God went before our team, and with our time there would be an understatement!  Being in that country again with those beautiful people again was, just as I imagined, like being home!  The moment the plane started the approach into the Entebbe airport and I looked out the window and saw those beautiful red dirt roads I immediately felt like I was back home!  Leaving that place and coming back home to the U.S. was even harder than I could have imagined!  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and left behind!  Coming home and being home has been pretty difficult for me.  I will be completely honest and say that boarding that plane to come back to the U.S. this time was one of the most difficult things I have ever done!  I felt like I was leaving the place I'm meant to be!  I know that must sound crazy to a lot of you, and that I may have officially gone off the deep end, but everything about Uganda feels so normal and comfortable to me!  God made some things pretty clear to me while I was in Uganda, and one of those things is that He just confirmed even more that my heart is in that country and with those beautiful people, and I will go back!  There is no doubt about that in my mind at all!  That may be pretty hard for some people to understand.  Some may question "Kristin, how can your heart be there, when your friends and family are here? Do you love those people and that place more than you love your own family and being near those you love?"  And the answer to that is No...absolutely not!  I love my family and friends here more than I can put into words!!  What I can tell you is God has placed Uganda and the people there on my heart for a reason!  The comfort I feel there, the love I have experienced there, and the joy I have there is certainly God given!  When you have the opportunity to bless an elderly couple and their family with just a small gift of food, and then see complete joy and gratitude exude from their faces it stays with you!  When you meet people who have absolutely nothing of monetary value, but can teach you what it truly means to be Rich it blesses your soul in a way I can't describe.  Being there with those amazing people and giving back even just a little of what they give me is what makes that place so amazing!  I think this quote states it pretty well!  "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."  I realize unless you have experienced falling completely in love with a completely foreign place like I have you will probably never understand how torn your heart can feel even when you are in your home town with the family and people you love.  I feel really blessed that God has grown my heart so much to allow two completely different places with completely different people to completely fill it!  I am humbled that He choose me to go to that beautiful country not once, but twice now, and more I'm am certain in the future!  It really is humbling and amazing to think that God picked me...this city slicker of a girl who will barely use a port-a-potty and can't stand bugs, to fall in love and feel so completely at home and comfortable in a place SO far out of my comfort zone!!  People who know me well, will understand how true that statement is!!  But, it just proves how God can take anyone, anywhere to places only He can imagine!  When you are willing to take a leap of faith, and step out of your own little world God can take you places you never dreamed!!  I am so glad I listened to His calling a year ago and let Him take me to places I never could have dreamed!!  If you would have asked me 3 years ago if I ever thought I would be completely in love and feel at home in a country in Africa I would have said you were a crazy person!!  But now, Uganda truly is my second home!!