The struggle of this season...

Ever since my first trip to Uganda this Christmas and Advent season stirs up so many mixed emotions inside me. I LOVE this time of year and spending time with my family, but the last few years I have had a bit of an ache in my heart as well. When your heart is in two places I suppose there will always be that ache because no matter where you are, there is a part of you that longs to be in the other place. I see friends and family with their children, doing all those fun Christmas activities and my heart breaks a little wishing I could be having those same experiences with my Bobby and Norah. It's like my heart is divided in two and will never completely be whole again, at least not this side of Heaven. I think this quote from a blog I read says it so well:

"I want to tell you that it’s going to be ok, that if you give yourself enough time, your heart will feel whole again. But I can’t, and it won’t – at least not on this side of eternity, I think. When home is on both sides of the world, when you let yourself love people who are separated by a lot of miles and a lot of water, your heart can’t stay in one piece.

But, you know what? I think maybe that’s not completely a bad thing.

My mom used to tell me that love is like a candle flame. When you divide it, when you use the flame to light another wick, it doesn’t take anything away. It gets twice as bright.
Our hearts are flames dividing."

My heart will always long to be both here with my family in the US and in Uganda with my Ugandan family. I begin to feel broken at times missing my Ugandan family wishing I could be there. But then I think about my family here and realize it's not fair to them if I am constantly wishing I were in Uganda. And so that is when my heart breaks from the constant struggle to be in two places at once. I've been learning however, that God uses that brokenness to remind me of His love and Faithfulness. He weaps when I weap, and He wants to be the One to wipe those tears and make my heart whole again with His love. He knows my heart and He knows the perfect plan he has for my life. So while my heart longs to be in two places, I know God always has me just where He wants me for that specific time. I trust that there will be a time when I can spend this time of year with my family on the other side of the world, and until then I will do everything I can to be present right here where God has me right now.

Choosing to Hope and finding Joy...

I would be lying if I said these last few months have been easy...they've sort of been the opposite of easy actually. I know things could be a lot worse for me, and that things are a lot worse for a lot of people in this world, but I will be very honest and admit I was becoming very discouraged about a lot of things the last few months...my health, my job, and missing Uganda more than I could handle. The enemy is sneaky in his tactics to lure us away from the Lord. He uses little things like doubt, uncertainty, and fear to slowly pick away at our joy and confidence in Christ. I was quickly falling into his trap and letting myself doubt that I would be able to claw myself out of the pit I had fallen into. And right there is part of my problem...I was of the mindset that I had to get myself out of this pit of doubt and discouragement, but that is exactly why I was in the pit to begin with. I had been trying to get out on my own, and that was just not possible! The only way out of that pit was to allow God to lift me out!! And He has!! Only he can give us the strength and courage to face hard times head on. A lot of things haven't really changed much...my health is better, not perfect, but better; my job is still hard at times (night shift is killing me); and I still don't really have any idea when I might be able to go back to Uganda. So what has changed that I'm no longer feeling stuck in that pit? Hope! Hope is a common theme in the Bible. When I did a keyword search for the word "hope" on biblegateway.com it came back with 180 results! So what is this "hope"? To quote bible.org "hope is the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised in the Word is true, has occurred, and or will occur in accordance with God’s sure Word."  God's promises are true!!  Promises like the ones found in one of my favorite verses: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future."  With that Hope we can find real Joy!!  He has perfect plans for our lives, and even when things may feel bleak, He is still in control. Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."  An anchor for the soul...think about that. An anchor, something relatively small in comparison to the vessel it is tied to, but yet it holds a firm grip on that vessel to keep it from drifting away, even in the midst of a storm!  Here are a few more verses that speak to the hope and joy we can find in Christ!

   

Psalm 42:5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." 

Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I've found in the last few weeks that when you choose to have hope in God's promises and faithfulness, you in turn find the kind of Joy only He can give!!  

"It was then that I carried you..."

This time the last two years I was preparing to to go to Uganda. This year I am not able to go and I have no idea when I might be able to back. My heart longs for that place like my lungs need air!! I thought I was going to be able to go last month, but I wasn't able to because of some health problems (yes...more health issues). My heart was crushed when I realized I wasn't going to be able to go. And now...not knowing when I'll be able to go back is almost as painful! I am in this season where I seem to be traveling deeper and deeper into a valley that seems like there may never be an end. I keep getting bad news, my health keeps acting up, and nothing seems to go the way I hope it does. No matter how hard I try to crawl out I just seem to sink deeper and deeper into this valley! I have cried out to God, and pleaded with Him for things to change, but they don't. I have spent nights crying myself to sleep aching to be with those special people I love that live half a world away! I have begged for just one month that I feel "normal" again, and I have pleaded that maybe, finally this test might give us some answers, but no answers come. I have read, and prayed, and journaled hoping for some magic writing on the wall type revelation, but I still feel lost as ever. I have felt like Jacob wandering in the wilderness only to end up wrestling with God. But somehow, deep down, I still have this hope and faith that somehow things will get better! They have to! I was able to go away for a weekend by myself a couple weeks ago, and I went to the beautiful little beach town of South Haven, Michigan. It was such a nice time of just being alone and enjoying God's beauty. I spent one whole afternoon on the beach; and I spent a lot of that time just thinking, reflecting, and praying. While I was there walking along the beach, hearing the peaceful waves hitting the shore, I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". The one where a man looks back on this life and sees two sets of footprints, his and those of our Lord walking along side of him. However, during the hardest times of his life he noticed there was only one set. When he questioned the Lord about why there was only one set during those hard times the Lord responds by saying "It was then that I carried you!" I really hope when I look back on my life someday that there is only one set of footprints during this hard season, because I don't think I can get through it on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that God will be faithful and carry me through this difficult season, it's just hard to get my brain to wrap around that sometimes. A dear friend reminded me in a sweet letter I received the other day that sometimes these seasons of waiting and in the valleys is where God teaches us some of the most valuable lessons and readies us for the next big thing He has for us. I just hope and pray my heart and mind are open to His teaching and His leading ! In the meantime, I still long for and miss Uganda and all those I love so dearly there, but I know I will return there some way, somehow; and I know God is right here with me through it all!!

When God does give you more than you can handle...

We've all been through hard times, some of us harder than others, but everyone experiences hardships from time to time.  Something I've been learning (and am continuing to learn) over the past few years and especially the past few weeks is how to have total and complete trust in God.  Not just trusting in the small things, or with the easy things, but with the big, hard, personal things you want more than anything to hold on to!  It's not easy, and I certainly haven't perfected it but I am trying everyday to do better.  I mentioned in my last post that I have been having some health problems.  While I am feeling better than I was I am still not back to "normal" or back to full strength or stamina.  Unfortunately I found out this week that all of this is going to great impact my job more than I ever would have imagined.  The doctors and my employer have decided that it would be best if I am "reassigned" to a different area at least until this passes or they figure out exactly what is going on.  I couldn't believe it when I found out!  So now, not only is all this preventing me from going back to Uganda, but it is also keeping me from my job!  All I know is working with babies in the NICU!!  It is all I've done in my 10+ years as a nurse!  Questions upon questions start reeling in my head...Why is this happening? How am I going to do this? How will I adjust to a day shift schedule if they move me? I've worked nights most of my career! How will I afford the lack of the night shift differential if I get moved to days? What if I hate it? And on and on...  I was beginning to think this was all going to be too much to handle!  I wanted to stay positive but it was becoming more and more difficult!  But then, I remembered these words...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

We've all probably heard the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle".  While that is a great comfort to many, biblically its not totally accurate.  I stumbled upon a great article about this exact topic the day I found out about my job.  Definitely a God thing!  Anyway, the article was a great reminder that sometimes God allows hardships and trials in our lives to remind us of our complete and utter dependence on Him and Him alone!!  He DOES give us more than we can handle so that we can rely on Him to get through it and give Him the glory for it!!  It is just another way He draws us closer to Himself so that He can show us His love and Grace in our lives!!  So, in reality, we should really be honored and grateful for the hardships in our lives because it allows us to rely more on the One who carries us through!  Then we can boast about His greatness when we come through the other side!!  So as hard as these past few weeks have been, and as hard as the next few weeks may be, I know that in my weakness His strength is perfect and that His plans are perfect!! None of this is a surprise to Him!!  He has it all under control!  So, I will trust that He has a plan and will reveal it all in His timing, and when I come through all of this stronger and with more faith I will boast about my Great God and how He carried me through this difficult time!!  It may not always be easy, and I may feel really unsure of things at times, but I know God can and will get me through this if I just lay it all at His feet and humbly say "I cannot handle this without YOU!". 

When following really means staying...

When you think of the word follow what do you think of?  Typically it means that you are going somewhere, or being guided somewhere.  Here is an actual definition of the word follow: "To go in the direction of; be guided by".  "To go".  That is always how I interpreted that word until the last few days...

 

Anyone who knows me, knows my heart for Uganda and how I consider it my second home, my love for the people and children there, and my desire to go back ASAP!  Over the past few months since returning from my second trip there in October, I have been praying a lot and searching for the next opportunity for me to go back.  A couple months ago an opportunity was presented to me to go work with the ministry Healing Faith, which I had the honor and privilege of working with for a day on my last trip.  (That one day was more than enough for me to fall in love with that ministry and what they do!  Learn more here).  This opportunity would be in the form of a 2-3 month internship starting in June and was exactly the kind of opportunity I had been praying about that would allow me to go serve in Uganda for longer than just a couple weeks.  I was so excited!  I began to think about how I could take time away from my job for that long and how I would raise the money to do it.  I knew it would require a lot of sacrifice, and possibly even mean quitting my job, but I was willing to do whatever it took to follow God's leading and take advantage of this amazing opportunity!  I know a lot of people may be stuck here thinking "What?  You would quit your job to go to Africa for a couple months on an unpaid internship?!?"  Yes...yes I would.  You see, over the past few months God has reminded me through His word, devotions, and sermons at church that sometimes following His will requires you sacrificing huge things in order to walk in His will, and follow His calling on your life.  I really thought and felt like perhaps that was exactly was God was asking of me!  A couple weeks ago I received the email confirming I had been accepted for the internship and I was ecstatic!  Unfortunately my excitement was short lived because reality set in...I have been in the middle of dealing with health problems, medical bills are beginning to pile up, and at times I have barely had the energy for a trip to the grocery store, let alone a two or three month stay in Africa!  How could I even think about quitting my job when I have all these medical bills, and would need to raise thousands of dollars to even think about going to Uganda?  I was crushed!  My heart broke into a million pieces even thinking about not being able to go and serve with this amazing opportunity and ministry!!  Even more heartbreaking was the thought that turning the internship down would mean I would have no idea how or when I will be able to return to Uganda!  I began to pray and really search the Word for answers and what I should do.  I just kept thinking that sometimes God asks us to take a leap of faith and then He can make huge things happen!  Couldn't this be one of those situations?  Even when I wanted to have pure faith that He could make all of this come together, He could restore my health for me to be able to go, He could provide the funds, and a way for me to leave my job, I still didn't have a sense of peace about it.  The more I prayed, and sought His will, the more I felt at peace about NOT going!  But how could that be?  Would He really want me to take the path that to me initially seemed to be less of a "leap"?  The more I wrestled with it the more confused I became.  (That wonderful human nature coming through.)  Then a couple days ago I heard the song "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin on the radio.  I've heard that song many, many times and always just heard the "I will follow" part, but that day I heard something totally different.  Here are the lyrics to the first part of the chorus.

 

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
 

Do you see that..."Where you STAY, I'll STAY!"  All this time I had been thinking that to Follow God meant I had to GO somewhere, or do something major to follow Him, but in that moment I realized that sometimes following after God means staying right where you are!  For me, right now, having the faith to STAY and trust he has me here for a reason, is a bigger leap than going back to Uganda in June for the internship.  I realized that trusting God with the uncertainty of when I will be able to return to Uganda is a huge step of faith for me and will require a lot of trust that His plans are much better than my own!  I think God has really used these last couple months to really teach me about trust and real reliance on Him.  Through faith He brought me to a place I was willing to sacrifice my job and daily life to do His will!  In the end (at least for now) I don't actually have to give up my job, but just knowing I was willing to do that is a testament to how much God has helped me grow in the last few months.  I saw a quote the other day that I loved and fits perfectly into this situation.  "Don't waste the season of life you are in now because you want the next one to come. God has a purpose for each season you are in. Trust him, and purpose to embrace this season well."  All this time I've been looking forward, thinking only about how I can get back to Uganda, when I should be embracing where God has me right now!  I know God will lead me back to Uganda in His perfect timing, but right now I will trust He has me right where He wants me, right here in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and I will do my best to follow Him by staying right where I'm at!