I heard somewhere that yesterday was National Write Your Story Day and I have been thinking I need to get back into writing more, not necessarily for anyone else, but because it can be so cathartic for me. So I guess today is as good as any to start again and share just a little bit of my story. It’s kind of long, and really vulnerable, but I hope maybe even just one person will be helped because I shared. So here it goes...
Depression. It’s a word that I feel is still so taboo at times in our society. Almost like it’s a dirty word or something. I hear people talk about it as though it’s a curse or that it is something people should just be able to snap out of. Think about it...really honestly ask yourself what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word depression or that “someone is depressed”? Do you picture the TV ads of a cartoon person with a cloud over their head? Do you think of someone like Robin Williams who to the world seemed as happy as anyone could be? Or do you picture your neighbor or a close friend or that person in line in front of you at the grocery store? You want to know what I picture? I see myself...I look in the mirror and see the face of someone who has struggled with depression to one degree or another for most of my adult life! Why do I share this? Because it’s a big part of my story. As a dear friend reminded me tonight; “You can't choose whether you will or won't be depressed. Unfortunately it chooses you.” But what I can do is choose to see it as my opponent, recognize it (which is one of the toughest battles), deal with it, and do what I can to combat it with resources that work for me! Don’t get me wrong...none of this is easy!! Ask my friend who spent a couple hours this evening convincing me that I’m not a complete failure, and that all the negative thoughts in my head about myself are completely wrong! Telling me things like “You are young! You are beautiful! You are independent! You have so much going for you! I got your back. I love you unconditionally and I'm always here to listen and bounce ideas off of and complain to and laugh with. I've got you!” It’s because of people like her in my life that I am able to battle this at all! Depression is one of those things that can rear it’s ugly head so sneakily, and before you know it you’re curled up in your bed crying for no known reason. There have been times in my life where I have felt so isolated and alone that I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up! I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for; a loving family and friends, but when you have clinical depression it doesn’t matter! No matter what people say, or how loved you are, the lingering feelings of loneliness and sadness still weigh you down. It feels completely hopeless! I don’t think you can ever really know what it feels like unless you have truly experienced it. It’s more than just feeling a little sad or lonely. Once you have experienced it though, it’s hard to forget.
Why do I share all this? Why am I being so open about one of the darkest things I’ve struggled with in my life? Because I want people to know it’s OK to NOT be Okay! I want for maybe just one person to read this and realize they aren’t alone and that it’s ok to need help!! I was scared to death the first time I reached out for help! It’s scary to admit you have really negative feelings and that you can’t control them on your own! I first sought counseling when I was in college and have used that as a tool more than once since then. Counseling is a way to talk things through with someone who is completely impartial and open-minded , and who can give you tools and feedback to help you combat the negative feelings! It has helped me tremendously at times! And I’m on an antidepressant, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also for my fibromyalgia, but guess what...fibro and clinical depression go together like peanut butter and jelly! (Do I get a prize for a double whammy) Seriously though, I just want people to know depression, counseling, antidepressants, and whatever else...none of it is anything to be ashamed of!! Depression is an illness...Just like a virus, or even cancer! It’s not something we choose, and it’s not something we can just shake off! It can be treated, and dealt with, but not on your own! So it’s okay to not be okay!! Please seek help! Message me and I’d be happy to talk, call a counselor, talk to a friend or a pastor, but don’t feel ashamed and don’t suffer alone! You aren’t alone in this!
Finally, to those of you who are Christians...depression doesn’t exclude us! If you are struggling with depression it absolutely does not mean you aren’t a “good enough” Christian! That is something I personally struggled with a lot! I thought I was being punished for past sins, or wrong decisions. But I was wrong! Being a Christian and loving God does not exclude us from this illness! (Just look at Job or David if you don’t believe me!) However, because of our Faith we do have one more tactic in battling against it! I really believe God has allowed be to walk through some of these dark days, and weeks, and months so that I could come through it with His help, and with the help of counseling etc., on the other side stronger and with more faith than I had before! Does that mean my struggle is over? Not at all! I still struggle almost daily with negative “self-talk” and feelings! Some days I’m better at pushing all of them aside than others, but there are still days I really struggle! I’m grateful for people in my life who love me and build me up, even when I’m doing my best to tear myself down! I’m grateful for having the ability to get counseling! And as hard as all of this is, I am grateful for this being part of my story! If just one person can be helped because of my story, then all of it is worth it!!
Depression. It’s a word that I feel is still so taboo at times in our society. Almost like it’s a dirty word or something. I hear people talk about it as though it’s a curse or that it is something people should just be able to snap out of. Think about it...really honestly ask yourself what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word depression or that “someone is depressed”? Do you picture the TV ads of a cartoon person with a cloud over their head? Do you think of someone like Robin Williams who to the world seemed as happy as anyone could be? Or do you picture your neighbor or a close friend or that person in line in front of you at the grocery store? You want to know what I picture? I see myself...I look in the mirror and see the face of someone who has struggled with depression to one degree or another for most of my adult life! Why do I share this? Because it’s a big part of my story. As a dear friend reminded me tonight; “You can't choose whether you will or won't be depressed. Unfortunately it chooses you.” But what I can do is choose to see it as my opponent, recognize it (which is one of the toughest battles), deal with it, and do what I can to combat it with resources that work for me! Don’t get me wrong...none of this is easy!! Ask my friend who spent a couple hours this evening convincing me that I’m not a complete failure, and that all the negative thoughts in my head about myself are completely wrong! Telling me things like “You are young! You are beautiful! You are independent! You have so much going for you! I got your back. I love you unconditionally and I'm always here to listen and bounce ideas off of and complain to and laugh with. I've got you!” It’s because of people like her in my life that I am able to battle this at all! Depression is one of those things that can rear it’s ugly head so sneakily, and before you know it you’re curled up in your bed crying for no known reason. There have been times in my life where I have felt so isolated and alone that I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up! I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for; a loving family and friends, but when you have clinical depression it doesn’t matter! No matter what people say, or how loved you are, the lingering feelings of loneliness and sadness still weigh you down. It feels completely hopeless! I don’t think you can ever really know what it feels like unless you have truly experienced it. It’s more than just feeling a little sad or lonely. Once you have experienced it though, it’s hard to forget.
Why do I share all this? Why am I being so open about one of the darkest things I’ve struggled with in my life? Because I want people to know it’s OK to NOT be Okay! I want for maybe just one person to read this and realize they aren’t alone and that it’s ok to need help!! I was scared to death the first time I reached out for help! It’s scary to admit you have really negative feelings and that you can’t control them on your own! I first sought counseling when I was in college and have used that as a tool more than once since then. Counseling is a way to talk things through with someone who is completely impartial and open-minded , and who can give you tools and feedback to help you combat the negative feelings! It has helped me tremendously at times! And I’m on an antidepressant, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also for my fibromyalgia, but guess what...fibro and clinical depression go together like peanut butter and jelly! (Do I get a prize for a double whammy) Seriously though, I just want people to know depression, counseling, antidepressants, and whatever else...none of it is anything to be ashamed of!! Depression is an illness...Just like a virus, or even cancer! It’s not something we choose, and it’s not something we can just shake off! It can be treated, and dealt with, but not on your own! So it’s okay to not be okay!! Please seek help! Message me and I’d be happy to talk, call a counselor, talk to a friend or a pastor, but don’t feel ashamed and don’t suffer alone! You aren’t alone in this!
Finally, to those of you who are Christians...depression doesn’t exclude us! If you are struggling with depression it absolutely does not mean you aren’t a “good enough” Christian! That is something I personally struggled with a lot! I thought I was being punished for past sins, or wrong decisions. But I was wrong! Being a Christian and loving God does not exclude us from this illness! (Just look at Job or David if you don’t believe me!) However, because of our Faith we do have one more tactic in battling against it! I really believe God has allowed be to walk through some of these dark days, and weeks, and months so that I could come through it with His help, and with the help of counseling etc., on the other side stronger and with more faith than I had before! Does that mean my struggle is over? Not at all! I still struggle almost daily with negative “self-talk” and feelings! Some days I’m better at pushing all of them aside than others, but there are still days I really struggle! I’m grateful for people in my life who love me and build me up, even when I’m doing my best to tear myself down! I’m grateful for having the ability to get counseling! And as hard as all of this is, I am grateful for this being part of my story! If just one person can be helped because of my story, then all of it is worth it!!
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