Peace...

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. I have gone from thinking I knew exactly where my life was heading and where God's path was leading, to not even being sure if I was on a path at all! I've gone from confused and afraid, to excited and hopeful, then back to sad and then back to happy again, sometimes within the span of just a few minutes. I think I can say with certainty that I have experienced nearly every emotion in the realm of emotions in the past few weeks! The hardest part in all of this for me has been realizing that its ok if God decides to take you down a different path! It doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong, just that God has other plans! I read this in a devotion recently and thought it was written so beautifully!

"A lot of times things just don't go our way. The natural response to an undesired event in our life is disappointment...

If we say that we don't ever feel disappointment over things like this, we are probably trying to be too spiritual. Feeling disappointment is understandable and even accepted. But, it should be a stepping-stone on our path with Jesus; not the anchor that drowns us.

We all have dreams that we want to see transpire in our lives. But if they are our dreams and we have not consulted our Heavenly Father, then they often lack vision and purpose toward a higher goal. Our plans, even on our very best day, are nothing compared to the amazing plans God has for us.

We have to rest in the sovereignty of God and the fact that he will always keep His Word to us. The last time I checked, our Creator is never late in His promises to us!"

Today...I am resting in those promises and I have found peace! A kind of peace only HE can provide!! Peace that passes all understanding!!

As many of you know (and many have probably figured out by now) adoption is something that has been on my heart since before I went to Uganda! God started preparing my heart and leading me down the path to start pursuing adoption before I left and when I returned that desire and leading only felt stronger! I did a lot of research, talked to a lot of people, and prayed a lot about it and just before Christmas I had picked an agency for a home study and was ready to apply and start the home study process. I was so excited!! My dream of being a mother could finally be coming true! The only problem was I didn't have the money yet for the application fee and first part of the home study. So, I prayed some more and asked that God would provide. In the meantime things with my job were starting to spin out of control and I was beginning to realize that perhaps this job was not what I expected and was not the job for me. Then, between Christmas and my birthday I was able to save enough money for the application fee to get the ball rolling on my adoption process! I was thrilled!! God had provided!! I knew I should wait til after the first of the year so I decided to wait a couple weeks and then submit my paperwork. But, before I had that chance, doors began closing one after another. My job did not work out, no new jobs here in Indy were opening up, I had unexpected medical bills...and on and on. I began to feel completely out of control and thought I had messed something up! I turned to God and had to simply rely on Him to guide me down this path that I had no idea where it was leading! Through some counsel from amazing friends and family and God's leading I decided to leave the job here in Indy and took a new job in my home town of Fort Wayne! I am so grateful for this opportunity and that I will once again be home and near my family! However, because of all these changes and the fact that I will be commuting back and forth from Indy to Fort Wayne for as long as six months, I have also felt God closing that door to adoption...at least for now. There is just no way for me to pursue an adoption and start a home study when I won't really even have a steady home for several months. When I first began to realize what this meant I was completely heart broken, confused, and thought that my dreams of adopting were being shattered. However, as I have began to turn to God for strength and comfort he has given me amazing peace about this entire situation! Am I still sad its not happening now like I had hoped? Of course!! But...What God has taught me through all of this is that His plans are always better than our own no matter how great ours are! He's taught me that sometimes you have to take a step of faith even when you don't know where that step is taking you! I know that God is leading me back to Fort Wayne for a reason, but I have no idea what that reason is!! I've really enjoyed it here in Indy and I've been quite content to stay here for quite some time! I absolutely love my church here and it will be incredibly hard to leave it, but I am taking this step of faith and following God's leading back to Fort Wayne and I can't wait to see what he has in store!

As far as adoption goes...I am confident that adoption is still in my future! I may not know when, or what that will look like, but I know God has placed this desire in my heart for a reason and I can't wait to see how it all unfolds!!

Funny thing that grief...

Grief...it can sneak up on us when we least expect it! Like just now...it's been a nice relaxing winter Saturday in and I got quite a bit accomplished too...but for some reason just a little bit ago when I saw a sweet picture a friend posted on Facebook my mind immediately went to another sweet face that I miss so much sometimes it hurts!! You may not even know you are grieving until it sneaks up on you, but when it does it gets you to your core. Where does my grief come from you ask...it comes from the realization I've had that a door I so wanted to walk through no matter what it took seems to be closing...at least for now. And that friends makes my heart break into a million tiny little pieces! I should be happy, and I am, because God has opened some other really awesome doors this week. I got a job in my home town so I will eventually (when my lease is up) be moving back home! That means more time with family and more time with my new nephew due to arrive in March! But, unfortunately that door opening has also meant the closing of these other doors. My heart really is grieving over losing these possibilities! It grieves so much it hurts! I have a very special place in my heart for some very special children and I long to hold them in my arms again so badly and I can't! However, this grief is something that I know God can use. It hurts and I may not understand it, but just as John 16:20 says I know God can turn this grief to joy!
        "Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
I have learned so much lately about how even in so much uncertainty God always has a plan! He may only reveal that plan to you in small doses, but He always has a perfect plan! Even in grief He has a plan! I don't understand it, I might never understand it, but what I can take comfort in even more than God having a plan for me and my life is that He has a perfect plan for those precious little ones I love so dearly!  So, even in my grief I will rejoice in that perfect plan! So see...Even in the few minutes it took to write this God has worked in me and started to turn this grief to joy. There may still be times the grief will sneak up on me, but He will always be there through it with me!

Reminiscing...

It has been three full months since I got back from Uganda and I have been thinking about all the people I love there as much lately as I did when I first got back! Those people and that country have left a permanent mark on my heart and I will never be the same!! So...in honor of all of them and my feeling a bit reminiscent I thought I would share (again) just some of the faces I think about every day! (Please forgive the weird photo sizes...I did this blog on my phone.)

My heart breaks...

My heart breaks a little more every day.  I know in life there are always periods where God closes doors and opens new ones. Lately it has felt like a lot of doors are slamming in my face and very few, if any, are opening. The job I was so excited about a few months ago is not working out at all and I have decided to pursue other avenues after God has made it very clear that this job is not for me. So...i already have a final day there, but no new job lined up yet. I am praying and trusting God will open a door, but still very nervous about the thought of being unemployed for any length of time! There are other things I thought I was so close to being able to jump into full force and now those doors seems to be closing too. Several of my team members from my Uganda trip already have awesome plans made to return to Uganda in the next few months, and while I am so very happy for all of them, I am also selfishly a little jealous and wish I could be going back too. I thought maybe that this whole job situation could be a door opening for me to be able to return to Uganda, but it just seems to be becoming more and more clear that it is not going to even be a possibility for quite some time. My heart breaks a little more everyday knowing what all of this means and it is even more difficult knowing I can't really even talk about the biggest thing that is breaking my heart! To be in love with people and a country so far away and know that it is truly where you want to be right now, but know that there is no possible way you can be there is so incredibly hard!! I start to wonder why I have this heart for this place that I want to be so badly, if those doors continue to close. It is so hard to understand! Oh how I wish I could just pour all my heart out to someone, a real person, who would understand, but I don't really even know who that would be. I just continue to pour out to Him and pray that He will guide me and mend this broken heart! He is the only one who can!!

A few moments with God...

I should be going to bed right now, but I just can't without putting this in writing.  Without going into a lot of details there are some things, one or two in particular, that have become really uncertain in the last few weeks and I have begun to feel more and more lost and unsure.  I have felt like maybe I have made a wrong decision at some point or that I somehow stepped off God's chosen path for me.  This morning at church I bumped into a dear friend and someone I've really come to think of as a mentor and huge roll model.  I shared with her some of the things I'm dealing with and feeling so uncertain and lost about and she gave me some great counsel and then she took my hands and prayed with me!  I am so grateful for that moment this morning and her wise words of encouragement!  That was the first God moment of my day.  Among many other things, one thing she told me was that sometimes God closes doors in order to guide us to another path.  It doesn't necessarily mean the path you were on was wrong, just that God wanted to change your direction at that time.  It doesn't always make sense to us because we are human and can never fully understand His ways.  She suggested maybe one thing I could do in order to help discern God's leading is to start carrying a journal with me everywhere I go so that whenever a song, or passage of Scripture, or something someone says speaks to me I can write it down right away and even pray over it right then. So, after church I stopped at the Christian bookstore and bought a little pocket size journal to have with me.  And...of course as I drove to the store I heard a song that fit perfectly with my current situation and reminded me to just hold onto God's promises.  So, as soon as I bought the journal I put it to use!  I immediately wrote down what spoke to me through that song.  That was the second God moment of my day!  The other thing my friend said to me this morning that really stuck with me was something I already know, but she worded in a way that really convicted me.  She said I just need to continue to do what I know and "stay in the Word, and on my knees".  That "on my knees" part is what really got me.  Admittedly my prayer life has never been great.  It has gotten better in the last year, but I know it still isn't what it should be.  So, after being reminded and convicted of that this morning I decided to be intentional about that this evening.  I had a very intentional devotional time and then I did something I probably haven't done since I was a small child...I got down and knelt beside the bed and prayed.  Immediately it was almost as if as I knelt there praying out loud, pouring my heart out to God I felt His presence wrap around me, almost as if He were physically there holding me!  I am not sure if I've ever felt that before during prayer.  And maybe that says a lot about my less than perfect prayer life, but a sense of peace that passes all understanding came over me in that moment as tears streamed down my face.  I knew in that moment that even though I may not understand or know exactly what is going to happen God has me and this whole situation right in the palm of His hands!!  That was the third God moment today!  Three very real moments that God showed up and really spoke to me and showed me His presence.  All three in different ways, but all things I desperately needed!  Thank you Lord for knowing me inside and out and providing these little moments just when I need them!!