Hungry for the uncomfortable...

I've been reading Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience" a lot lately.  Ann is in her own words "Wife to the Farmer & Mama to 6. Author of NY Times Bestseller, One Thousand Gifts. Believing all is grace & He alone is enough."  She gets it!  She has been in Uganda and has been able to capture so much of what I loved and still love about that place so eloquently in her blog!  She wrote a "Letter to the North American Church" that I mentioned in my last post about some of her thoughts and experiences in Uganda.  It completely captures what Uganda does to your heart!  Here's just a glimpse:

 

"That one woman with no shoes and no husband and 7 kids, walk up to the front of the church and put this bag of beans into the basket as her love offering to God – my heart ached this raw conviction and I could feel it with you, North American Church, what you really wanted: You’re hungry to love like this. You are hungry for the uncomfortable." 

 

I'm hungry for the uncomfortable!!  It's a scary thing to say I know, but I have never felt so comfortable and close to God as I did those two weeks in Uganda!  The simplicity of life there forces you to just completely rely on Him and his promises.  Seeing people who have so little, even nothing, but still find something, somehow to give back to God so joyfully will burn a lasting impression on your heart!  I want that kind of Joy!!  And the love the people there exude is just so contagious!  They truly understand what it is to love as God loves!  God has been convicting me of a lot lately, and I feel like this is an amazing time in my life to really make some changes!  I'm praying about so much, and waiting for God guide me and help me understand a lot of the changes I've had in my life lately.  One thing I know He is teaching me more and more is that I don't have to be in Uganda to experience Him the way I did there.  There are so many more distractions here, and things to take our focus away from living for Him, but he wants our all regardless of where we are!  It means we have to work harder and more intentionally to put aside those distractions and be in communion with Him because it's worth it!  To experience His Joy is worth living uncomfortably, so we can experience His comforts!  I know my heart is yearning to do more, to be more, but ultimately to LOVE more!!  As Ann
so eloquently says

"Living radical isn't about where you live — it’s about how you love.  It’s about realizing– Love doesn’t happen when you arrive in a certain place. It happens when your heart arrives in a certain place – wherever you are, right where you are, dirt road Africa or side street America. Because it isn’t where we love. It’s how we love. It’s who we love. The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself the great outcome of loving. The success of loving is in how we change because we kept on loving – regardless of any thing else changing. The value of loving is in the value of being like Christ."

 

And that my friends is how I want to love!! 

"It"

I have so much in my heart and on my mind. So much to process over the last few days. The "Letter to the North American Church" written my Ann Voskamp; Todays sermon on my last Sunday at my beloved church in Indy about living with Joy in a world sometimes filled with frustration and trials; officially moving this week and no longer having a place to call "home" in Indy; feeling a tugging on my heart to do more for Uganda or in Uganda. So many things I want to process and write about...but don't know where to start. I don't know what to say...other than He is working on me! I feel it in my soul...there's a stirring and a flame being fanned that I don't even really know or understand, but I feel it!! Maybe its just Him calling me more to Himself...but its there. Whatever "It" is, its there and I am praying my humanness doesn't get in His way!!

Baby boys, moving vans, and far away lands!! Oh my!!

I'll warn you...this could get a bit lengthy!  I am sort of combining what could really be two or three separate posts all into one.  Life has been a bit crazy lately, so I'm "multi-tasking" so to speak. 

First of all, I just have to tell you how awesome being an Auntie is!!  It's really AWESOME!!  Course when you have the cutest nephew ever it's pretty easy to fall madly in love with him (see I have proof)! 

 

Bryson is doing really well, all things considered, and is growing like a weed!  He's starting to do all those fun baby things like smiling, cooing, and giggling that make being an Aunt even more rewarding! 

 

 I just love that little guy SO much!!

God has once again (because I am pretty dense sometimes) been teaching me a lot about trust, patience, and His perfect timing.  As I've mentioned before I've been working in Fort Wayne, living with my parents, paying rent on my rental house in Westfield, and driving down there when I can to check on things and get mail, etc.  Well, that is about to change!  My landlords have found a new tenant to move into the house I've been renting, which is great news, but I have to be out by July 1st!  Yikes!!  All of the back and forth hasn't been terribly fun, but in a way it has made this move seem less real, or permanent.  Now that I actually have to be out of my house, and really move it's all setting in a little more!  Don't get me wrong...I am really happy to be moving home to Fort Wayne, and to be close to my family again!  It's been a blessing to be home to be able to help Caitlin and her husband out some with Bryson since he has a few more "extras" than a "normal" baby that I'm familiar with.  Being in Fort Wayne again really is sort of coming full circle for me and a homecoming.  However, I am going to miss living in Westfield/Indy area so much!!  I will miss seeing my cousin, Kasey, and dear friend, Julie on a weekly basis so much!  God has really used both of those ladies to build me up and encourage me in my faith and things I'm passionate about so much!  I know I will still see them often, but not nearly as often as I'd like!  Then there's my church...leaving it will be so hard I hate even thinking about it!  I've grown so much being part of that church!  God took me places I never would have dreamed because of that church!  Being part of someplace that is so Kingdom minded is amazing and I love it!  It encouraged me and challenged me on a weekly basis!  I know that God wouldn't lead me to Fort Wayne, and not lead me to a great church here as well, I just have to figure out where that is!  Pray with me that I will be open to His leading and finding an amazing church here in FW as well!

The other part of this move that has really started to become more of a reality to me is that I'm really having to give up on my dream of adopting for awhile.  I won't be able to even think about starting the home study process until I've lived and worked here for at least several months, so unfortunately adoption is just not in my immediate future.  I know that God has a bigger and better plan for my life, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard, or disappointing!  It's pretty heart breaking actually!  And almost as hard is sort of having to deal with it in silence.  So many people either don't really even know that I was so close to really starting the adoption process full force, or just don't understand, that I just don't talk about it that much.  And I certainly don't want to take away from the joy that Bryson has brought to our family!  I have my moments with God that I ask why, and wonder if this move is really the best thing, but I have faith and trust that God's plan is and will always be better than mine!!  So, I'll wait...wait for His timing and His plans to be revealed!!

Another positive aspect of this move, besides being close to family, is that my parents are going to allow me to stay with them a few extra month and save up some money not paying rent.  It will mean sort of moving twice, which I hate even the thought of, but saving that extra money for a few months will be awesome!!  What will I do with that money you ask??  Oh...how about GO BACK TO UGANDA!! Yep!!  That's right, I'm going back to Uganda in October (again)!!  About a month ago I was presented with the amazing opportunity to go to Uganda with the amazing organization Hope Grafted In!  They are the organization that I am able to sponsor my sweet Bobby through.  So...that means I get to go see Bobby again!!!  I am SO excited I can hardly stand it!!  A friend of mine from my first trip to Uganda was just there leading another VO trip and she was able to take and deliver a few little thing I got for Bobby while she was there.  She took this pic and posted it to my facebook wall one day while she was there!

 

  Can you even believe how big he's getting!?!  The thought of holding that sweet baby boy in my arms again just makes me want to run around screaming with glee like a little girl!!  Oh, and look what I got in the mail a couple weeks ago!! 

 

 How adorable and sweet is that!?!?  I have been praying since I returned from my first trip to Uganda that God would open the right door for me to be able to return there, and I know this is that door!  There are still a lot of obstacles that will have to be cleared for me to be able to go, but I know that if He really wants me to go He will once again provide the means and everything will fall into place!!  I am so excited!  I cannot wait to put my feed down on that red dirt again, and love on some truly amazing people and children again!  Don't worry...I'm sure I'll be sharing a lot more about the trip in the coming weeks and months!  For now, I'll wrap up this small novel I've written with this little excerpt from a devotional I read the other day that I think is perfect for the past few weeks and weeks to come.  I pray that we will all come to find peace and comfort in His call and purposes for our lives and not in our own!!

 

"We may think we know what is best for us, and we may long after many things, but true satisfaction comes when we believe God, respond to His call upon our lives, and walk according to His purposes and not our own."

A few thoughts on Mother's Day...being honest.

Mother's day is a day to celebrate the mothers in our lives and all that they do for us!! It's a wonderful day of celebration and appreciation. But, for some, it isn't always completely celebratory. For some it is a bittersweet day...myself included. Please, don't misunderstand me, I love my mom and all the moms in my life and I am sooo happy to celebrate this day and everything they do! However, for me as a single woman in my 30's Mother's Day can also serve as a reminder of the longing in my heart to mother a child of my own one day. My thoughts and the thoughts of many others are echoed Here.

This year has been a little more bittersweet than most for me in a couple of ways.  I would be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that is a little envious of my younger sister becoming a mother this year.  I am completely thrilled for her though and I absolutely hate seeing her go through so much with my nephew! And next to being a mom being an aunt is the best thing ever!!  This time last year I really thought that by now I would be full throttle and well into the adoption process. I thought and hoped and prayed that maybe this would be my last Mother's day as a "non-mom", but God apparently has other plans for me right now. There is a baby half way around the world that I love so much!! I would love to someday hop on a plane and bring him home with me as my son, but I just don't think it is God's will, at least not right now. It hurts to have this ache and longing and feel your heart swell with love for this child, but have to leave them on another continent thousands of miles away! I want to be a mom so bad sometimes it hurts!! Mother's day can be hard, but I am so grateful that God has given me an amazing mom and given me so many wonderful women in my life who are great mom's to learn from when God does finally answer my prayer and longing to be a mom!

I'm back...

I have been pretty MIA the last couple months.  There's so much I could write about, but I fear it would take days to even come close!  So much has happened in the last few months I could probably write a novel! 

 

The biggest thing that has happened in the past few months is that I became an Aunt!!  Bryson Kenneth was born on the evening of March 5th weighing 8lb 2oz and 21in long!  My heart grew and I learned to love that night in ways I never imagined!!  Seeing my sister become a mom gave me a new kind of love for her as well!  She has made me so proud!!  The day after Bryson was born was one of the scariest days of my life.  We found out that Bryson was born with a severe heart defect that would require surgery pretty quickly and he was flown that afternoon to Riley.  The next week was very scary for everyone involved! As a new Aunt I was so thrilled, and terrified all at the same time!  I felt completely helpless and out of control!  I can't even imagine how terrified my sister and brother-in-law must have been!  They were brand new parents who should have been home learning what it was like to have a newborn keeping them up at night, when instead they were spending day and night by his hospital bedside hoping and praying their baby would make it through a complex heart surgery.  My entire family began praying huge prayers for Bryson and his parents.  We all began to cling to the One who we knew created Bryson and is the Great Physician!  People all over the world were praying for Bryson and the prayers were answered in big ways!!  Bryson had open heart surgery on March 11th and made it through with flying colors!  He did better than anyone, including the doctor, expected!  Bryson came home from the hospital a few days before Easter (again ahead of schedule) and has done very well ever since!  He still has a long road, and will have to have another pretty major surgery when he's about 6-8 months old, but he is growing stronger everyday.  The way God has had His hand on this entire situation has been amazing!!  From the first morning when the doctor decided on intuition to get the test that found Bryson's defect and saved his life, to how well he did in surgery, and all the other little things He provided and continues to provide!  God has had His hand on this precious baby boy from the day he was born, and we are all sooo grateful for everyone who has prayed for him along the way! 

 

Some of the other things that have been going on in the last few months aren't as exciting as becoming an aunt, but I have been starting to settle into my new job here in Fort Wayne.  So far I'm liking the new job and already starting to get to know a few of the girls I work with.  I am also getting used to driving back and forth to Indy quite a bit.  I go back to my church in Indy as often as I can.  I'm praying God will lead me to a church here that I will be able to grow in like I have at Traders Point.  In the meantime I'm going to get as much out of TPCC as I can!! 

 

I continue to pray about an opportunity to return to Uganda someday.  There are a couple opportunities later in the year that I'm especially praying about, but waiting for God to provide some clarity and discernment!  In the meantime I still think about Uganda and all the people I love there all the time!  I never knew how much a heart could be torn in two completely different directions until recently.  Being home near my family, especially now with my nephew here, has never been so great.  But, at the same time, my heart is still so drawn to Uganda and I miss it so much sometimes I can't stand it!  I feel so conflicted at times!  I know God has a perfect plan for my life, and so I will continue to put my life in His hands and let Him lead me where He wants me to be!