When following really means staying...

When you think of the word follow what do you think of?  Typically it means that you are going somewhere, or being guided somewhere.  Here is an actual definition of the word follow: "To go in the direction of; be guided by".  "To go".  That is always how I interpreted that word until the last few days...

 

Anyone who knows me, knows my heart for Uganda and how I consider it my second home, my love for the people and children there, and my desire to go back ASAP!  Over the past few months since returning from my second trip there in October, I have been praying a lot and searching for the next opportunity for me to go back.  A couple months ago an opportunity was presented to me to go work with the ministry Healing Faith, which I had the honor and privilege of working with for a day on my last trip.  (That one day was more than enough for me to fall in love with that ministry and what they do!  Learn more here).  This opportunity would be in the form of a 2-3 month internship starting in June and was exactly the kind of opportunity I had been praying about that would allow me to go serve in Uganda for longer than just a couple weeks.  I was so excited!  I began to think about how I could take time away from my job for that long and how I would raise the money to do it.  I knew it would require a lot of sacrifice, and possibly even mean quitting my job, but I was willing to do whatever it took to follow God's leading and take advantage of this amazing opportunity!  I know a lot of people may be stuck here thinking "What?  You would quit your job to go to Africa for a couple months on an unpaid internship?!?"  Yes...yes I would.  You see, over the past few months God has reminded me through His word, devotions, and sermons at church that sometimes following His will requires you sacrificing huge things in order to walk in His will, and follow His calling on your life.  I really thought and felt like perhaps that was exactly was God was asking of me!  A couple weeks ago I received the email confirming I had been accepted for the internship and I was ecstatic!  Unfortunately my excitement was short lived because reality set in...I have been in the middle of dealing with health problems, medical bills are beginning to pile up, and at times I have barely had the energy for a trip to the grocery store, let alone a two or three month stay in Africa!  How could I even think about quitting my job when I have all these medical bills, and would need to raise thousands of dollars to even think about going to Uganda?  I was crushed!  My heart broke into a million pieces even thinking about not being able to go and serve with this amazing opportunity and ministry!!  Even more heartbreaking was the thought that turning the internship down would mean I would have no idea how or when I will be able to return to Uganda!  I began to pray and really search the Word for answers and what I should do.  I just kept thinking that sometimes God asks us to take a leap of faith and then He can make huge things happen!  Couldn't this be one of those situations?  Even when I wanted to have pure faith that He could make all of this come together, He could restore my health for me to be able to go, He could provide the funds, and a way for me to leave my job, I still didn't have a sense of peace about it.  The more I prayed, and sought His will, the more I felt at peace about NOT going!  But how could that be?  Would He really want me to take the path that to me initially seemed to be less of a "leap"?  The more I wrestled with it the more confused I became.  (That wonderful human nature coming through.)  Then a couple days ago I heard the song "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin on the radio.  I've heard that song many, many times and always just heard the "I will follow" part, but that day I heard something totally different.  Here are the lyrics to the first part of the chorus.

 

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
 

Do you see that..."Where you STAY, I'll STAY!"  All this time I had been thinking that to Follow God meant I had to GO somewhere, or do something major to follow Him, but in that moment I realized that sometimes following after God means staying right where you are!  For me, right now, having the faith to STAY and trust he has me here for a reason, is a bigger leap than going back to Uganda in June for the internship.  I realized that trusting God with the uncertainty of when I will be able to return to Uganda is a huge step of faith for me and will require a lot of trust that His plans are much better than my own!  I think God has really used these last couple months to really teach me about trust and real reliance on Him.  Through faith He brought me to a place I was willing to sacrifice my job and daily life to do His will!  In the end (at least for now) I don't actually have to give up my job, but just knowing I was willing to do that is a testament to how much God has helped me grow in the last few months.  I saw a quote the other day that I loved and fits perfectly into this situation.  "Don't waste the season of life you are in now because you want the next one to come. God has a purpose for each season you are in. Trust him, and purpose to embrace this season well."  All this time I've been looking forward, thinking only about how I can get back to Uganda, when I should be embracing where God has me right now!  I know God will lead me back to Uganda in His perfect timing, but right now I will trust He has me right where He wants me, right here in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and I will do my best to follow Him by staying right where I'm at!

Faithful...

As Christians sometimes I think it can be easy to say things because they seem like the right thing to say or because it is what we should say, but deep down do we really mean it?  Something I know I've said at times with sort of a grain of salt is "I know God is faithful" but as hard as it is to admit there were times I really wondered and had doubts that He truly would be in that situation.  As my relationship with the Lord has grown, my trust in His faithfulness has grown also, but at times I still have doubts. I think that is one way, at least in my own life, the enemy really sneaks in does his damage. He plants that seed of doubt and then our own human nature and insecurities take over and that doubt just continues to grow.  These past few weeks have been rather trying for me on a personal level. I haven't suffered anything traumatic or completely life altering, but I have been having some issues with my health.  I won't go into details but my symptoms have been somewhat vague, yet bad enough that I have now missed two and a half weeks of work.  The doctors I have been seeing are sort of at a loss as to what is going on.  I have had numerous blood tests, scans, and x-rays over the past couple weeks with everything coming back "unremarkable".  To say that I have been frustrated would be an understatement!  I have spent the majority of the past couple weeks on my couch, which may sound nice, but it gets old real quick.  I just want to feel "normal" again.  I have prayed over and over with every doctor appointment or test that God would provide some answers, but none have come.  I was beginning to feel completely at a loss and that God was feeling more and more absent in my situation.  I just didn't understand why I am dealing with this and even more why I haven't been getting any answers. I was really beginning to question God's faithfulness in this situation.  But then, as God so often does in His perfect Divine timing, He reminded me of his faithfulness through a song that I had never heard before called "Faithful" by the band Hawk Nelson (If you haven't heard it go listen to it!).  It seemed as though that song was being played just for me!  Here are the lyrics of the first verse and chorus:

 

You never promised me that this would be easy
I never knew that anything could be this hard
I wanna trust that You know what You're doin'
But right now, I'm just fallin' apart
It's hard to see it when I'm livin' in the moment
But Your love's still written on my heart
I get lost when I feel the wind blowin'
I gotta cling to who You are

'Cause You are good
Even when You're not understood

No matter how many skies fall down
I'm covered under the peace I've found
You're my shelter when there's nowhere else to go
No matter how many times I break
You promise always to keep me safe
You're my rescue when I'm spinning outta control
You are faithful, faithful
You are faithful, faithful

 

The lines that reminded me that God IS ALWAYS GOOD even when we don't understand went straight to my core!!  He IS FAITHFUL!!  It may not always happen when or how we would like, but God always has us in the palm of His hands and will bring us through our most trying times if we will just trust in Him!  I still don't know when I will get any answers about my health or when I will feel "normal" and be able to go back to normal activities again, but I do know and really genuinely believe now that God has a purpose for even this and that He will be faithful to bring me through it!!  Maybe the purpose is simply to teach me to trust Him more, or believe in His faithfulness more, or maybe there is an even bigger purpose.  Only He knows, but regardless, I know that He is teaching me and I am grateful for even this trying time in my life that is allowing me to grow closer to my Heavenly Father! 

One day in Your courts!

We sang a song at church this past Sunday at the new church I think I am going to start attending that I hadn't heard in quite awhile, but it really struck a cord with me. I have been searching for a new church home off and on for that past 6 months since I moved back home to Fort Wayne. After attending such an amazing church down in Indy, I guess I had a high standard and just wouldn't settle until I felt like God had really led me to the right place. My new job made it even more difficult because I have been working a lot more weekends and haven't been able to go on a lot of Sundays. The song we sang this past Sunday that really hit home was Better Is One Day. It's a pretty popular worship song sung by the likes of Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Kuttless, but just in case you haven't heard it here are the lyrics to the first verse and chorus

How lovely is

Your dwelling place

Oh Lord Almighty,

For my soul longs

And even faints

For You

Oh, here my heart

Is satisfied (is satisfied)

Within Your presence

I see beneath

The shadow of

Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts

Better is one day in Your house

Better is one day in Your courts

Than thousands elsewhere

After a time of being in church so intermittently, being back in church this past Sunday reminded me how important and refreshing being in His Dwelling Place really is!  It is true.  My soul really was longing and even fainting for His presence. I was spiritually thirsty and hungering for that feeling of worshiping with fellow believers and lifting voices to our God.  But, even as amazing as being back in church and "His Courts" was I realized while we were singing that song that being in God's Dwelling Place doesn't mean you have to be in a church building!  I have experienced some of the most amazing worship experiences outside of a church building...in my car, my home, and even in the bush in Africa!  In fact, the most raw and authentic worship experiences I've had were in church services in Uganda!!  Those Ugandans know how to worship!!  They could teach us all a thing or two or ten about how to truly commune with God!!  In this new year I am going to focus a lot more on really finding time to spend with God in His Dwelling Place on a daily basis!  It is there that He teaches me, and molds me, and leads me to places I can never imagine!!  He has big things in store for my life this year and I can't wait to discover more and more what those are!  I'm done trying to fit God into my life and my schedule!!  One day in His Courts is far better than a thousand in mine!!  

Another year older...another year ending...a new year dawning.

It's New Years Eve, and yesterday was my birthday.  As I have been reflecting on the past year I am once again amazed at what God has brought me through and allowed me to experience in my life!  There have been times of great joy, and times of disappointment and sorrow.  Many things did not go how I expected or planned, but God has been faithful through it all!  I became an Aunt to the most amazing baby boy  and little heart warrior ever!  I was able to return to Uganda for a second time and fell even more in love  with that country than I already was!  My hopes of adopting have been put on hold, but I am at peace with it now.  So many things He has had his hand on in my life throughout this past year.  Is my life where I thought it would be as I turned 33 yesterday?  No, not exactly, but in many ways its been better than I could have imagined.  True there have still been disappointments, but I'm learning more and more that God's plan is Always better than my own, so it's much easier to just let Him have control in the first place!  So, as 2014 approaches, that is my plan...to let Him be in full control!  I am human so I am sure there will still be times I will try to hold on for dear life to "my plans", but I pray as I enter this new year I will be more open than ever before to where he leads and wants to do in my life!  I am so excited to see where God leads me in 2014, and am ready and willing to go and do whatever he has in store!  So, farewell 2013, you've been great...hello 2014 lets see what you've got in store!! 

The day I met Jesus through a little girl...

I have been back from Uganda month now and the ache to go back hasn't faded a bit!  But, since I can't ho back right this minute I have been trying to keep it fresh in my mind by looking at pictures and recalling all the wonderful memories and experiences! I want to share one of those experiences with you today.

It was October 14th, exactly one year ton the day since I had first stepped foot in Uganda! It was sort of a bittersweet day for me because we had driven right by the home Rose is at and I was so sad I was so close and couldn't see her again. I was also missing Bobby because our time there had ended the day before and I knew I wouldn't be able to see him again.  That day my team went and visited the Home Again Ministry's Bethel School which is in the Karamajong village. Home again was a ministry my previous team actually visited and worked with, but I had not been there because it was the day I was flat in bed all day with a back injury and unable to go with the team. But I had heard great things and was excited to see it for myself! Just as some background, the Karamajong tribe is a group of people that were nomadic refugees from other parts of Uganda and East Africa and have been very isolated because of ethnic reasons. They are poorest of poor, and many families are single moms with many children and little to no income to support them. Hope Grafted In, the organization I went with this time, had helped raise funds and provide a grant for Home Again Ministries to build this school, so we went to see the new school and hear more about its progress. While we were there we had about an hour to just play and interact with the school children. These kids don't see many muzugus (white people) and they swarmed us!! They wanted to touch our white skin, and feel our hair. They loved just holding on to a finger or hand or just having their arm on ours. At on point the kids were all distracted by candy, so I decided to walk across the school yard to find a shady spot to stand for a few minutes. As i was walking, I felt a little hand grab ahold of mine and gently tug. I looked down and there stood the sweetest little girl of about 6 or 7 years old with a front teeth missing smile looking up at me! She motioned for me to bend down so I knelt to her level and in the sweetest voice she introduced herself and asked me my name. Honestly, here is the hard part, to this day I still don't know her name because I never understood quite what she was saying. I so wish I did though! I told her my name and she sweetly looked up to me and said "I love you Auntie Kristin! Sank you for coming to visit me!" (And no that's not a typo, she said thank you with a lisp because of her front teeth missing). I can still hear that sweet, soft voice now! We walked over to the shade hand in hand and as if that wasn't enough to melt my heart she turned to face me, took both my hands in hers and asked if she could pray for ME!  I nearly burst into tears right then!!  But, I held it together and listened to this little girl pray the sweetest, most heart felt prayer of blessing and thanksgiving over me I have ever heard!!  Right there in that moment I knew I was meeting Jesus in the flesh of a little girl with a toothless smile and cute little lisp!! It brings me to tears right now even thinking about it!!  I was humbled to the core, and my heart burst wide open right there in the middle of a school yard!!  The love I experienced and felt at that moment is like none I've experienced before.  It was truly and completely unconditional love!! This little girl had no idea who I was, she was just grateful that we came to see her and her school, and knew we had a small part in her being able to even go to school.  Any sadness about not seeing Rose, or missing Bobby was gone!!  This little girl had been Jesus to me and opened my eyes to what it really means to love and be Jesus to others!!  I then prayed for her as well, not nearly as eloquently I'm sure, and we spent the rest of my time there side by side. I think about that little girl often and wonder what sort of impact she will have in her village.  I wonder if she will ever have any idea how much she impacted my life that day!  And I pray she continues to grow and learn, and know Jesus well!! Here are a couple pictures of her.

Do you see it? Do you see Jesus in her eyes? Because I do! Every time I see her face I see the His Love looking back at me!!