What I've learned in 100 days of being a school nurse...

It's been awhile since my fingers have found this proverbial keyboard to write a "blog post", but I'm entering a time that I think my soul will find a lot of respite in tapping away on these keys.  I've always found writing to be a sort of refuge and cathartic way of expressing myself, so I decided to come back to this old blog, dust off this keyboard, and begin writing again. 

To start I just thought I'd share some experiences from my new job as a school nurse and what I've learned.  We officially hit the 100 days of school mark this week, and there were all sorts of celebrations going on in the school.  My favorite had to be the parade of all the kindergarten students in cute little DIY t-shirts that celebrated the 100 days of school.  There were several kiddos that had glued 100 googly eyes on the shirt, I saw a girl with a photocopied 100 dollar bill on the front of her shirt, a little boy with 100 dinosaur stickers on his shirt, and maybe my favorite the little one with an entire 100 piece puzzle glued to the front of his shirt!  Even the teachers joined in the fun with their decorated t-shirts!  It was so fun to see all the cute little kiddos parading through the office with their shirts and 100 shaped glasses!  So what have I learned in these 100+ days as a school nurse?  A lot...I've learned a lot!!  My first lesson...(which I had already sort of learned as a sub nurse)...Ice cures anything!!  Bump an elbow?  Give them Ice!  Scrape a knee?  Give them a band aid and Ice!  Have a headache?  Give them Ice!  I've not quite figured out what is so magical about Ice, but there is some sort of magical thing that happens once a child has ice in their hands!  Lesson number 2...You can never have enough tissues!  I swear sometimes I go through an entire box in a single day!  Lesson 3...I wear many hats!  What do I mean by that?  Well, in a given day I will usually play the roll of obviously a nurse, but also a counselor, a waitress, a glasses repairer, a shoe cobbler, a mom away from mom, a vision screener, an immunization record keeper, a dentist, and an entomologist (bug person) just to name a few!!  To say that being a school nurse keeps me on my toes would be an understatement!  What else have I learned?  Most importantly I've learned that while being a school nurse is all these fun and light-hearted things, it is also harder and more involved than I ever would have dreamed!  I've learned that my role is not just to be there for the physical well-being of these students I care for, but also their emotional and even mental well-being as well!  For some of these kids, my interaction with them however small it may be, could be one of the few positive interactions they experience during that day.  Those 7 hours or so they are at school could be the only time they see positive adult roll models.  Their school lunch could be the only well balanced meal they get every day.  I've learned to not take this job or my few moments with these kids lightly at all!  I do my best every day to be a positive adult in these childrens' lives!  This job has opened my eyes and opened my heart to so many both wonderful and heartbreaking things, but at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be doing anything else!  There's nothing like having a little 6 year old walk up to you for no reason and just say "Can I hug you nurse?"!!  I love my job and I feel like I now have about 450 kiddos to call "my own"! 

My Story...

I heard somewhere that yesterday was National Write Your Story Day and I have been thinking I need to get back into writing more, not necessarily for anyone else, but because it can be so cathartic for me. So I guess today is as good as any to start again and share just a little bit of my story. It’s kind of long, and really vulnerable, but I hope maybe even just one person will be helped because I shared. So here it goes...


Depression. It’s a word that I feel is still so taboo at times in our society. Almost like it’s a dirty word or something. I hear people talk about it as though it’s a curse or that it is something people should just be able to snap out of. Think about it...really honestly ask yourself what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word depression or that “someone is depressed”? Do you picture the TV ads of a cartoon person with a cloud over their head? Do you think of someone like Robin Williams who to the world seemed as happy as anyone could be? Or do you picture your neighbor or a close friend or that person in line in front of you at the grocery store? You want to know what I picture? I see myself...I look in the mirror and see the face of someone who has struggled with depression to one degree or another for most of my adult life! Why do I share this? Because it’s a big part of my story. As a dear friend reminded me tonight; “You can't choose whether you will or won't be depressed. Unfortunately it chooses you.” But what I can do is choose to see it as my opponent, recognize it (which is one of the toughest battles), deal with it, and do what I can to combat it with resources that work for me! Don’t get me wrong...none of this is easy!! Ask my friend who spent a couple hours this evening convincing me that I’m not a complete failure, and that all the negative thoughts in my head about myself are completely wrong! Telling me things like “You are young! You are beautiful! You are independent! You have so much going for you! I got your back. I love you unconditionally and I'm always here to listen and bounce ideas off of and complain to and laugh with. I've got you!” It’s because of people like her in my life that I am able to battle this at all! Depression is one of those things that can rear it’s ugly head so sneakily, and before you know it you’re curled up in your bed crying for no known reason. There have been times in my life where I have felt so isolated and alone that I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up! I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for; a loving family and friends, but when you have clinical depression it doesn’t matter! No matter what people say, or how loved you are, the lingering feelings of loneliness and sadness still weigh you down. It feels completely hopeless! I don’t think you can ever really know what it feels like unless you have truly experienced it. It’s more than just feeling a little sad or lonely. Once you have experienced it though, it’s hard to forget.


Why do I share all this? Why am I being so open about one of the darkest things I’ve struggled with in my life? Because I want people to know it’s OK to NOT be Okay! I want for maybe just one person to read this and realize they aren’t alone and that it’s ok to need help!! I was scared to death the first time I reached out for help! It’s scary to admit you have really negative feelings and that you can’t control them on your own! I first sought counseling when I was in college and have used that as a tool more than once since then. Counseling is a way to talk things through with someone who is completely impartial and open-minded , and who can give you tools and feedback to help you combat the negative feelings! It has helped me tremendously at times! And I’m on an antidepressant, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also for my fibromyalgia, but guess what...fibro and clinical depression go together like peanut butter and jelly! (Do I get a prize for a double whammy) Seriously though, I just want people to know depression, counseling, antidepressants, and whatever else...none of it is anything to be ashamed of!! Depression is an illness...Just like a virus, or even cancer! It’s not something we choose, and it’s not something we can just shake off! It can be treated, and dealt with, but not on your own! So it’s okay to not be okay!! Please seek help! Message me and I’d be happy to talk, call a counselor, talk to a friend or a pastor, but don’t feel ashamed and don’t suffer alone! You aren’t alone in this!


Finally, to those of you who are Christians...depression doesn’t exclude us! If you are struggling with depression it absolutely does not mean you aren’t a “good enough” Christian! That is something I personally struggled with a lot! I thought I was being punished for past sins, or wrong decisions. But I was wrong! Being a Christian and loving God does not exclude us from this illness! (Just look at Job or David if you don’t believe me!) However, because of our Faith we do have one more tactic in battling against it! I really believe God has allowed be to walk through some of these dark days, and weeks, and months so that I could come through it with His help, and with the help of counseling etc., on the other side stronger and with more faith than I had before! Does that mean my struggle is over? Not at all! I still struggle almost daily with negative “self-talk” and feelings! Some days I’m better at pushing all of them aside than others, but there are still days I really struggle! I’m grateful for people in my life who love me and build me up, even when I’m doing my best to tear myself down! I’m grateful for having the ability to get counseling! And as hard as all of this is, I am grateful for this being part of my story! If just one person can be helped because of my story, then all of it is worth it!!

Thy Will be done

Have you ever been so sure of something that no one could tell you anything that would change your mind? So sure that God was leading you down a certain path, and that all the little details that fell into place were just further confirmation that you were heading down the right path in His will? That's exactly how I felt the last time I wrote when I shared about Daniel and I! If you had told me 6 weeks ago that I'd be where I am today I wouldn't have believed you for a second!! I probably would have told you that you were crazy! But sometimes life takes really big turns and you end up on your knees in the middle of the new road pleading for answers or some sort of explanation! There you are, confused and alone wondering where you went wrong, or how you could have misread things so horribly! Well...unfortunately that's exactly where I am! Things with Daniel didn't work out...but not because of anything bad on his part or mine...just simply poor timing I suppose. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not heartbroken, because I am! In fact my heart is pretty shattered! I have more questions than answers...and more ache than peace right now. Hillary Scott captures exactly what I feel in her song "Thy Will"

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy Will be done, Thy Will be done, Thy Will be done!"

I don't know why this is happening or how I will move forward other than to just fall to my knees, let God hear my tears, and simply say "Thy Will be done!!"

When you least expect it....

When you least expect it….

I used to hate that phrase, and I mean really hate it!!  As in, cringe and want to punch someone when they said it, hate it!!  I mean, really in all reality, when are you not expecting or hoping for something!  As a single woman I most commonly heard that phrase in reference to meeting a guy, or “the one”.  I found it hard to believe that there would come a time in my life that I wouldn’t be expecting it at least a little.  But to my surprise, over the past year or so after several months of really struggling and doing a lot of praying and “soul searching” I came to a place in my life that I was really at peace with the idea of being single, and I was content if that was what God had planned for my life.  I have a good job, great friends and family, an adorable nephew and another niece or nephew on the way, and people that I love and care about all over the world!!  I have had the opportunity to do amazing things like go to Africa and volunteer with Children’s Heart Project that I probably would not have been able to do had I been married or had a family.  I had finally found my “happy place” being single.  And then the unexpected happened…during my recent trip to Uganda and Kenya, God placed Daniel in my life, and things have not been the same since that day!!  The last thing I wanted or expected from this trip was to meet a guy!!  Especially after a bad experience a couple years ago!  There I was, in Kenya for the first time, just trying to take it all in and get to know the children at the ministry we were visiting, and in the middle of it all God was up to something!!  Prior to ever arriving in Kenya, our trip leaders told us how wonderful our driver, Daniel, in Kenya was!  I admittedly took that with a grain of salt because how could anyone be any better than our awesome drivers in Uganda?  I was completely surprised when I met Daniel and connected with him in a way I definitely was not expecting!!  I can only describe our connection and the way things have played out since then as truly God ordained!!  I never would have expected or dreamed to meet someone like Daniel, but God had other plans!  I have met this man that is one of the most kind-hearted, honest, compassionate, God-fearing men I have ever met!!  I’ve met a man who tells me I’m more beautiful when I don’t wear makeup than when I do, who tells me how much he cares about me daily, and who makes me feel more loved than I ever have by a man.  Daniel has come so far in his life, and has such big dreams, I know God has amazing things in store for him!!  Meeting Daniel has been both completely unexpected, and completely natural and welcomed all at the same time!!  Getting to know him more and more over the past couple months has been wonderful!  Thanks to technology and the internet, we are able to talk on the phone every day!!  We talk about silly things, serious things, and everything in between and we love every minute of it!!  I have laughed, and smiled more in the past couple months than I have in a very long time!!  There are times when I feel like nothing could wipe the giant smile off my face!!  I have no idea what God has in store for Daniel and I’s future, but I know that it will be pretty amazing!!  I am falling for a man that lives half-way around the world, and I have no idea what that looks like for our future, but I am so ready for this adventure with him!!  I could not be more grateful to God for bringing this amazing man into my life!!  I’m so grateful for the way He has brought us together, and written this beautiful story that I get to be part of!!  So…I guess it is like everyone says…you never know what might happen when you least expect it!!!  

Lessons learned in Uganda...

I've been meaning to write an update ever since I got back from Uganda, but between not having internet until a few weeks ago, and just life in general being busy, I am just now getting to it. There has been so much going on since my trip including getting ready for another international trip...but I'll get to that in another post. Truthfully part of my delay in writing has just been that I haven't really known exactly how to put everything into words. As expected everyone has been asking how my trip was when I got back from Uganda. I always smile and say it was great, which is the truth, but what haven't said is that it was also very difficult for me in a lot of ways. It was difficult because I don't think my heart was really fully ready for the disappointments and emotions I experienced while I was there. First, the whole situation and heartbreak with the guy I wrote about previously was still very fresh. For months I had thought about and looked forward to walking out of that airport in Entebbe and seeing him and his big smile standing there waiting for me! I had played that scene over and over in my head in anticipation. I had been so excited to see him standing there welcoming me when I arrived that night, but instead I walked out and was welcomed by complete strangers standing there holding a piece of paper with my name scribbled on it. It was almost like experiencing that initial heartbreak all over again. I don't think I was prepared for that at all...no, I know I wasn't prepared for that. I made it to the guest house that night tired, emotional, and just ready for a fresh new day. Thankfully, waking up the next morning to the familiar Ugandan sounds of roosters crowing, cicadas chirping, and all those other familiar sounds reminded me of my love for that country and not just a man that represented that place to me. God reaffirmed in my heart that it really is the country and people I truly love, and that my love for that place goes much deeper than any love I thought I had for a man who lives there. 

The other very difficult part of this trip was seeing my sweet Bobby. I was so excited to see him again, but I knew after my last trip that he may need a little time to warm up to me. I was not prepared for the reality of his reaction though. As soon as I even tried to simply wave at him from a distance and say hi he would begin crying and screaming, drop to the ground, and back as far away from me as he could possibly get. My heart sank! This boy I love so dearly wants nothing to do with me, and is terrified of me! I hoped maybe as the day or days moved on he might as least allow me to get close enough to hug him or even just talk to him and tell him how much I love him. In reality, my hopes were dashed and things didn't improve at all. In fact it actually got worse at times. Just a look and a smile at him from across the room would send him into a full blown tantrum! My heart broke seeing this boy that I love completely reject me and be so afraid of me. And every time he broke down my heart broke a little more. I was completely crushed! All the other babies and children at his baby home loved me, and even fought over sitting with me at times. I was happy to love on the other kiddos, but deep down I longed just to hold Bobby for even just one moment. Unfortunately, that never happened. The closest I was ever able to get to him was a few feet away for a picture. I wasn't even able to get a single picture of just him and I together. The closest I came to having a moment with him was when his caregiver gave him the few little books and toys I had brought for him. He did at least seem to enjoy those and carried them around proudly for several minutes. I was still heartbroken that this boy I love wouldn't allow me to hug him or tell him how much I love him. I still don't totally understand why God allowed me the opportunity to go all that way to see him only to be completely rejected and heartbroken. Contrast that with my time with my sponsor daughter, Norah who came right to me. I was elated to finally meet her and hold her in my arms! We had two great days bonding and getting to know each other! I am so grateful I had such a nice time with Norah, because I don't know how I would have handled it if she hadn't come to me so easily. I still struggle at times with the heartbreak God allowed me to experience while I was there with Bobby, but He has been using that heartbreak (and the joy I felt with Norah) to teach me more about Him (as he so brilliantly does). God has taught me and shown me through this experience with Bobby that everything I experienced with him is often how we are with God. I have realized that the heartbreak I was feeling must be just a glimpse of how God feels every time I reject Him or His Ways, just as the joy I felt with Norah is like the joy God feels when we come to Him in complete surrender. God's heart breaks for us just as my heart broke for Bobby! Every time one of God's children rejects Him He feels that same pain I felt, and probably ten-fold. He sacrificed His Only Son for us, and when we reject Him He must experience that pain of losing His Son all over again, in addition to losing one of His children. You can sense God's anguish for His people's rejection here: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me." Luke 13:34. Our rejection of Him doesn't have to be complete rejection of His offer of Salvation. It can be something as simple as choosing to hold on to a worry or problem ourselves, rather than turn it over to Him and let Him bear those burdens for us. So, even though my time with Bobby wasn't anything like how I had hoped it would be, I have learned a valuable lesson about God's deep love for me. How much more His love is for me than the love I have for Bobby (or Norah), and how much more His heart must break when I reject Him or His ways! I am so thankful for His great love for me!! "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 

1 John 3:1a