Instagram and spiritual warfare...

In the past 48 hours I think I have experienced just about the entire gamut of emotions that one can experience!  I've gone from feeling completely drained, defeated, and torn down to the kind of joy and affirmation where tears of joy roll down your face.  I knew this foster care journey would not be easy, but I did not realize how difficult and tumultuous the licensing process alone would be!  Twenty-four hours ago I was ready to throw in the towel.  I thought the doors were closing, I was confused and felt like I had made a huge mistake even thinking I could ever do this thing called foster care.  Doubts had not only crept in, they had taken up residence and were making themselves at home!  Why?  You name it...the devil has a sneaky, way of using thoughts, words, and feelings to manipulate us and try to break us down.  I can't really say that there was any one thing specifically that had me feeling so hopelessly defeated and insecure, but rather a combination of a lot of little things.  All I knew was that I felt every bit of opposition one could feel.  If you have any doubts about whether spiritual warfare exists, let me confirm for you right now that it does!  Don't believe me?  Do something big that God is calling you to and you will no longer question it!  The enemy is sneaky, friends!  He's sneaky and will use whatever he can to get to you.  It's hard for me to even describe what I felt in the past couple days, but I can tell you that it wasn't good, and that it wasn't of this earth!  I know I probably sound like a crazy person saying all this, but I felt it and I nearly let it win.  But thankfully, God intervened!

In my confusion and uncertainty I reached out to a couple godly, dear friends who never cease to cheer me on, support me, and pray for me through all of life's ups and downs.  I was chatting with one friend and toward the end of our conversation she asked me how she could specifically pray for me during this time of confusion and uncertainty.  I asked her to pray for clarity and peace if I was to continue, or that if the doors were closing that I would know that for certain and have peace about it.  We wrapped up our conversation as it was getting late and I opened up Instagram as I often do right before going to sleep.  As I began to scroll through the posts one of the first things I saw was this: 

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes and I knew...I knew this was God telling me to continue to move forward and follow this calling!  I knew this was God's "voice" speaking to me!  I can't say for certain what Moses felt when God spoke to him through the burning bush, but this was as close to a burning bush as I've ever experienced and it was the most joy-giving, doubt-stomping, evil-killing affirmation of something I've ever experienced!  I am convinced this post was put there right at that very moment just for me to see it.  How could I ignore that?  In my eyes it read "Someone, Somewhere, is depending on YOU Kristin, to do what God has called YOU to do!"  In the few moments that followed, with tears streaming down my face, every doubt and uncertainty I had were quickly replaced with the kind of peace and confidence only HE can give!  It was a complete, explicit answer to prayer in every way possible!  I knew in those moments that no matter what I may have felt, God held the answers and held me safe in His plans.

In the wake of all this I sit here tonight completely humbled and in awe of God and the fact that He has called ME to this!!  Why me?  What have I done that has led him to decide to use me in this way?  I feel so honored and humbled that God has called me to this.  That I get to be someone He uses to love these precious kiddos!  It's been hard to even know how to respond, other than in obedience and praise.  As another friend said when I told her about this experience "Praise Him.  Just roll with it!  In my experience, things start to fall in place really fast once you decide to lean into all that He has for you."  I'm pretty sure rather than leaning I'm probably clumsily, tripping and falling into Him, but thankfully He catches us no matter how we get there!  I'm so grateful for the loving arms HE provides for us to lean (or fall) into!  If I've learned anything in the past few days it is this...God is fighting for us!  God is fighting for ME!  It may come in the way of a friend's encouraging words, by way of burning bush (well at least for Moses), or by way of an Instagram post, but regardless of how it comes He will come through!  If he calls you to something, He won't ever leave your side!  Even if it feels like the world is fighting against you (and it might be), God is fighting for you and that's all you need!!  The uncertainty and the doubts may never completely go away, but we have a very certain God who will never leave us or foresake us!! Friends...This journey won't be easy!  I am learning more and more every day that this thing called foster care is a world all it's own!  It's a world where things aren't fair, life is hard, it's messy, and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed all at the same time!  I have no doubt that this will not be the last time I feel this kind of turmoil, or have these kind of doubts.  But tonight I rest in this message from my God: "Someone, Somewhere is depending on Me to do what God has called me to do!" Tonight I rest knowing that I can lean into His arms!

I'm preparing a place for you...

I have my first home study visit this coming Tuesday, so I've been trying to get things ready in my house so that I can make the best impression possible.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous!  In fact I'm feeling all sorts of emotions!  Everything from excitement to fear, and everything in between.  I'm happy that I've made it to this point in the process and that it's been progressing well up until now, but I'm also afraid and nervous that something could still happen to prevent this from becoming a reality.  I just keep trying to lay all these fears and anxieties down at my Father's feet and allow His will to prevail no matter what that is, but to be honest it's hard sometimes.  I'm human...I still have a hard time trusting at times, but I try to keep reminding myself that when I do trust Him, He is faithful and carries me through whatever circumstances I'm in! 

As I've been getting things ready in my house, buying a few things here and there for the baby/kid rooms, cleaning and organizing, etc., I've actually started to allow myself to imagine what it might be like to have a little one in this home with me!  I fold the cute little onesies and think about the little one that might someday wear them.  I see the bed where I might be kneeling down to tuck a little boy or girl into bed for the night.  I imagine what it will be like to hear the pitter patter of little feet on my squeaky hardwood floors.  All these preparations for a little one I haven't even met yet, but my heart is already swelling with the love I want to show them!  I am praying over this home, that whoever comes into my care will know they are safe and cherished and loved, not only by me, but more importantly by our Heavenly Father!  All of these preparations have reminded me of how Jesus has gone before us to prepare a place for us too!  What an awesome privilege it is to know the creator of the universe is preparing an eternal home just for me!  I only hope that I can provide just a fraction of the kind of love God has for us to this little one I have yet to meet!  Oh little one...I may not know who you are yet, but God does, and He is helping me prepare this earthly home just for you!  I can't wait to meet you, and I promise I will love you well for however long you are in this home and beyond!! 

A new journey...Fostering in love.

Where do I begin?  I guess at the beginning.  Anyone who knows me well, or maybe even not that well, knows that orphans, adoption, and loving children is something that has been on my heart for a very long time.  I can remember being a little girl and thinking I would one day like to adopt.  Fast forward to 2012 and I met my sponsor son Bobby and the idea of adopting internationally was sparked.  However, over the past couple years it has become really clear that adopting from Uganda is not part of God's plan.  As those doors closed I became pretty discouraged and thought that perhaps God was closing the doors for me to become a mother at all.  I had many dark days where I'd all but given up on the idea of ever being a mom, but I continued to try to leave my future all in His hands.  Many times I tried very hard to keep my grip on things even a little bit, only to realize of course that when I finally let go and surrendered to God I'd gain more peace than if I'd planned things myself!  During the past few years I have often times thought about the option of doing foster care, but I would usually end up pushing it to the back of my mind because I knew with a crazy night shift nurse's schedule it just wouldn't be a possibility.  I hoped and prayed for an opportunity to change jobs (for a multitude of reasons), but things just never seemed to work out.  At least not when or how I wanted them to!  Then a couple years ago my dear friend convinced me to give school nursing a try as a substitute nurse.  I was hesitant at first because all I had ever done was NICU nursing!  I knew babies not kids or adults!  I finally decided to give it a try though, and within my first couple days subbing I was in love!!  I learned quite a bit in those first several months as a substitute school nurse, so at the end of the school year when a full time position became available I eagerly applied and thought 'This is it!  This is the opportunity I've been waiting for!'.  It will come as no surprise that when I didn't get the job I was heartbroken!  Devastated!  I was even angry at God for in my mind 'dangling the perfect job right in front of me, only to rip it away like a cruel joke!'.  I considered quitting as a sub all together because I just couldn't see continuing to do it knowing it wasn't going to work out in the long run.  But, thankfully my friend encouraged me to continue and try again the following year when there would be more full time openings due to several nurses retiring.  The thought of having to wait an entire year was excruciating at times, but I began to sense a peace about it and tried to be patient.  During that time God also began to mold my heart and open it more and more to the idea of becoming a foster parent.  In a public school system we see a lot of children in foster care, and my heart began to really have a special place for those kiddos who just need a little extra love.  The time came to apply for the full time school nurse positions and I once again did so eagerly!  This time, however, I was offered a position just a few hours after my interview!!  I was ecstatic!!  And now, as I look back, that extra year subbing and gaining experience with the kiddos all makes sense now!  God was preparing me for my current job and preparing me for the next journey he was going to take me on...that of becoming a foster mom!  

God has been preparing my heart and guiding me to this point long before I ever realized it, but I couldn't be more excited to see where this is going to take me!  I'm just in sort of the beginning to middle stages of the process to become a Licensed Therapeutic Foster Parent, which in Indiana is how you are automatically licensed when you go through an agency.  I have spent the last several months doing lots of research, praying, educating myself, and then more praying about how God wanted me to move forward and I'm excited about the path I'm on so far!  I've had so many thoughts and emotions in the past several weeks as I've begun this process; everything from joy and excitement to fear and doubt!  One of the things that God has really been helping me learn and grasp is the whole idea of foster care and what that truly means.  The initial goal for every child placed in foster care is reunification with their birth family, and I truly believe that is the best scenario when it's safe and possible.  My job as a foster parent will be to take in that child/children, provide them a safe environment, and love them the best way I know how for however long they may be in my care!  I'm not a replacement for that child's mother, and I don't want to be.  Will it be heartbreaking to love a child and then see them leave?  Of course, but ultimately it's not about me or my feelings!  It's about these precious kids who just need love, and compassion, and a chance at a life without heartache!  This quote kind of says it all for me "I'm not afraid to grieve.  I'm afraid of what would happen to these children if no one took the risk to love them."  I'm sure I'll be writing much more about this and sharing my journey along the way, but for now I'm just excited to see how this all unfolds!  God is up to some big things and I'm pretty blown away that he's picked me to be a vessel!  

And now maybe you're asking yourself 'how can I help or learn more?'.  Well, if you're interested in learning more about foster care in general message me and I can connect you to some of the resources I used.  If you want to help me...for now the biggest thing people can do for me is pray!  Pray for my heart as I start this journey, pray for the children and the families I'll come in contact with, and pray that God continues to provide and show me how to proceed.  If you want to help in more tangible ways I think I'm going to start a private facebook group for anyone who wants to keep closer tabs on how everything is progressing, and I'll also post ways there to help in more tangible ways.  As the saying goes...it takes a village and I know I will need quite a village on this journey! 

What I've learned in 100 days of being a school nurse...

It's been awhile since my fingers have found this proverbial keyboard to write a "blog post", but I'm entering a time that I think my soul will find a lot of respite in tapping away on these keys.  I've always found writing to be a sort of refuge and cathartic way of expressing myself, so I decided to come back to this old blog, dust off this keyboard, and begin writing again. 

To start I just thought I'd share some experiences from my new job as a school nurse and what I've learned.  We officially hit the 100 days of school mark this week, and there were all sorts of celebrations going on in the school.  My favorite had to be the parade of all the kindergarten students in cute little DIY t-shirts that celebrated the 100 days of school.  There were several kiddos that had glued 100 googly eyes on the shirt, I saw a girl with a photocopied 100 dollar bill on the front of her shirt, a little boy with 100 dinosaur stickers on his shirt, and maybe my favorite the little one with an entire 100 piece puzzle glued to the front of his shirt!  Even the teachers joined in the fun with their decorated t-shirts!  It was so fun to see all the cute little kiddos parading through the office with their shirts and 100 shaped glasses!  So what have I learned in these 100+ days as a school nurse?  A lot...I've learned a lot!!  My first lesson...(which I had already sort of learned as a sub nurse)...Ice cures anything!!  Bump an elbow?  Give them Ice!  Scrape a knee?  Give them a band aid and Ice!  Have a headache?  Give them Ice!  I've not quite figured out what is so magical about Ice, but there is some sort of magical thing that happens once a child has ice in their hands!  Lesson number 2...You can never have enough tissues!  I swear sometimes I go through an entire box in a single day!  Lesson 3...I wear many hats!  What do I mean by that?  Well, in a given day I will usually play the roll of obviously a nurse, but also a counselor, a waitress, a glasses repairer, a shoe cobbler, a mom away from mom, a vision screener, an immunization record keeper, a dentist, and an entomologist (bug person) just to name a few!!  To say that being a school nurse keeps me on my toes would be an understatement!  What else have I learned?  Most importantly I've learned that while being a school nurse is all these fun and light-hearted things, it is also harder and more involved than I ever would have dreamed!  I've learned that my role is not just to be there for the physical well-being of these students I care for, but also their emotional and even mental well-being as well!  For some of these kids, my interaction with them however small it may be, could be one of the few positive interactions they experience during that day.  Those 7 hours or so they are at school could be the only time they see positive adult roll models.  Their school lunch could be the only well balanced meal they get every day.  I've learned to not take this job or my few moments with these kids lightly at all!  I do my best every day to be a positive adult in these childrens' lives!  This job has opened my eyes and opened my heart to so many both wonderful and heartbreaking things, but at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be doing anything else!  There's nothing like having a little 6 year old walk up to you for no reason and just say "Can I hug you nurse?"!!  I love my job and I feel like I now have about 450 kiddos to call "my own"! 

My Story...

I heard somewhere that yesterday was National Write Your Story Day and I have been thinking I need to get back into writing more, not necessarily for anyone else, but because it can be so cathartic for me. So I guess today is as good as any to start again and share just a little bit of my story. It’s kind of long, and really vulnerable, but I hope maybe even just one person will be helped because I shared. So here it goes...


Depression. It’s a word that I feel is still so taboo at times in our society. Almost like it’s a dirty word or something. I hear people talk about it as though it’s a curse or that it is something people should just be able to snap out of. Think about it...really honestly ask yourself what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word depression or that “someone is depressed”? Do you picture the TV ads of a cartoon person with a cloud over their head? Do you think of someone like Robin Williams who to the world seemed as happy as anyone could be? Or do you picture your neighbor or a close friend or that person in line in front of you at the grocery store? You want to know what I picture? I see myself...I look in the mirror and see the face of someone who has struggled with depression to one degree or another for most of my adult life! Why do I share this? Because it’s a big part of my story. As a dear friend reminded me tonight; “You can't choose whether you will or won't be depressed. Unfortunately it chooses you.” But what I can do is choose to see it as my opponent, recognize it (which is one of the toughest battles), deal with it, and do what I can to combat it with resources that work for me! Don’t get me wrong...none of this is easy!! Ask my friend who spent a couple hours this evening convincing me that I’m not a complete failure, and that all the negative thoughts in my head about myself are completely wrong! Telling me things like “You are young! You are beautiful! You are independent! You have so much going for you! I got your back. I love you unconditionally and I'm always here to listen and bounce ideas off of and complain to and laugh with. I've got you!” It’s because of people like her in my life that I am able to battle this at all! Depression is one of those things that can rear it’s ugly head so sneakily, and before you know it you’re curled up in your bed crying for no known reason. There have been times in my life where I have felt so isolated and alone that I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up! I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for; a loving family and friends, but when you have clinical depression it doesn’t matter! No matter what people say, or how loved you are, the lingering feelings of loneliness and sadness still weigh you down. It feels completely hopeless! I don’t think you can ever really know what it feels like unless you have truly experienced it. It’s more than just feeling a little sad or lonely. Once you have experienced it though, it’s hard to forget.


Why do I share all this? Why am I being so open about one of the darkest things I’ve struggled with in my life? Because I want people to know it’s OK to NOT be Okay! I want for maybe just one person to read this and realize they aren’t alone and that it’s ok to need help!! I was scared to death the first time I reached out for help! It’s scary to admit you have really negative feelings and that you can’t control them on your own! I first sought counseling when I was in college and have used that as a tool more than once since then. Counseling is a way to talk things through with someone who is completely impartial and open-minded , and who can give you tools and feedback to help you combat the negative feelings! It has helped me tremendously at times! And I’m on an antidepressant, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also for my fibromyalgia, but guess what...fibro and clinical depression go together like peanut butter and jelly! (Do I get a prize for a double whammy) Seriously though, I just want people to know depression, counseling, antidepressants, and whatever else...none of it is anything to be ashamed of!! Depression is an illness...Just like a virus, or even cancer! It’s not something we choose, and it’s not something we can just shake off! It can be treated, and dealt with, but not on your own! So it’s okay to not be okay!! Please seek help! Message me and I’d be happy to talk, call a counselor, talk to a friend or a pastor, but don’t feel ashamed and don’t suffer alone! You aren’t alone in this!


Finally, to those of you who are Christians...depression doesn’t exclude us! If you are struggling with depression it absolutely does not mean you aren’t a “good enough” Christian! That is something I personally struggled with a lot! I thought I was being punished for past sins, or wrong decisions. But I was wrong! Being a Christian and loving God does not exclude us from this illness! (Just look at Job or David if you don’t believe me!) However, because of our Faith we do have one more tactic in battling against it! I really believe God has allowed be to walk through some of these dark days, and weeks, and months so that I could come through it with His help, and with the help of counseling etc., on the other side stronger and with more faith than I had before! Does that mean my struggle is over? Not at all! I still struggle almost daily with negative “self-talk” and feelings! Some days I’m better at pushing all of them aside than others, but there are still days I really struggle! I’m grateful for people in my life who love me and build me up, even when I’m doing my best to tear myself down! I’m grateful for having the ability to get counseling! And as hard as all of this is, I am grateful for this being part of my story! If just one person can be helped because of my story, then all of it is worth it!!