"In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:6
It has been three full months since I got back from Uganda and I have been thinking about all the people I love there as much lately as I did when I first got back! Those people and that country have left a permanent mark on my heart and I will never be the same!! So...in honor of all of them and my feeling a bit reminiscent I thought I would share (again) just some of the faces I think about every day! (Please forgive the weird photo sizes...I did this blog on my phone.)
My heart breaks a little more every day. I know in life there are always periods where God closes doors and opens new ones. Lately it has felt like a lot of doors are slamming in my face and very few, if any, are opening. The job I was so excited about a few months ago is not working out at all and I have decided to pursue other avenues after God has made it very clear that this job is not for me. So...i already have a final day there, but no new job lined up yet. I am praying and trusting God will open a door, but still very nervous about the thought of being unemployed for any length of time! There are other things I thought I was so close to being able to jump into full force and now those doors seems to be closing too. Several of my team members from my Uganda trip already have awesome plans made to return to Uganda in the next few months, and while I am so very happy for all of them, I am also selfishly a little jealous and wish I could be going back too. I thought maybe that this whole job situation could be a door opening for me to be able to return to Uganda, but it just seems to be becoming more and more clear that it is not going to even be a possibility for quite some time. My heart breaks a little more everyday knowing what all of this means and it is even more difficult knowing I can't really even talk about the biggest thing that is breaking my heart! To be in love with people and a country so far away and know that it is truly where you want to be right now, but know that there is no possible way you can be there is so incredibly hard!! I start to wonder why I have this heart for this place that I want to be so badly, if those doors continue to close. It is so hard to understand! Oh how I wish I could just pour all my heart out to someone, a real person, who would understand, but I don't really even know who that would be. I just continue to pour out to Him and pray that He will guide me and mend this broken heart! He is the only one who can!!
I should be going to bed right now, but I just can't without putting this in writing. Without going into a lot of details there are some things, one or two in particular, that have become really uncertain in the last few weeks and I have begun to feel more and more lost and unsure. I have felt like maybe I have made a wrong decision at some point or that I somehow stepped off God's chosen path for me. This morning at church I bumped into a dear friend and someone I've really come to think of as a mentor and huge roll model. I shared with her some of the things I'm dealing with and feeling so uncertain and lost about and she gave me some great counsel and then she took my hands and prayed with me! I am so grateful for that moment this morning and her wise words of encouragement! That was the first God moment of my day. Among many other things, one thing she told me was that sometimes God closes doors in order to guide us to another path. It doesn't necessarily mean the path you were on was wrong, just that God wanted to change your direction at that time. It doesn't always make sense to us because we are human and can never fully understand His ways. She suggested maybe one thing I could do in order to help discern God's leading is to start carrying a journal with me everywhere I go so that whenever a song, or passage of Scripture, or something someone says speaks to me I can write it down right away and even pray over it right then. So, after church I stopped at the Christian bookstore and bought a little pocket size journal to have with me. And...of course as I drove to the store I heard a song that fit perfectly with my current situation and reminded me to just hold onto God's promises. So, as soon as I bought the journal I put it to use! I immediately wrote down what spoke to me through that song. That was the second God moment of my day! The other thing my friend said to me this morning that really stuck with me was something I already know, but she worded in a way that really convicted me. She said I just need to continue to do what I know and "stay in the Word, and on my knees". That "on my knees" part is what really got me. Admittedly my prayer life has never been great. It has gotten better in the last year, but I know it still isn't what it should be. So, after being reminded and convicted of that this morning I decided to be intentional about that this evening. I had a very intentional devotional time and then I did something I probably haven't done since I was a small child...I got down and knelt beside the bed and prayed. Immediately it was almost as if as I knelt there praying out loud, pouring my heart out to God I felt His presence wrap around me, almost as if He were physically there holding me! I am not sure if I've ever felt that before during prayer. And maybe that says a lot about my less than perfect prayer life, but a sense of peace that passes all understanding came over me in that moment as tears streamed down my face. I knew in that moment that even though I may not understand or know exactly what is going to happen God has me and this whole situation right in the palm of His hands!! That was the third God moment today! Three very real moments that God showed up and really spoke to me and showed me His presence. All three in different ways, but all things I desperately needed! Thank you Lord for knowing me inside and out and providing these little moments just when I need them!!
As I reflect on the past year I am amazed at how God has molded me and shaped me! Even reading through old blog posts I'm a little amazed that it was really me who wrote them. There is a maturity in some of them I wondered if I would ever have. God has shaped my heart and laid a passion on it for Uganda and Africa I never would have dreamed. Even just a year ago if you would have asked me if I would ever go to Africa I would have said no way. I never dreamed I would go to Africa, let alone fall completely in love with a country and the people there so much I am still looking and praying for any opportunity to go back! I have learned so much about the faithfulness of God and His provision for our lives! I have fallen in love with God in a way I never have before, and I have learned so much about what being in true relationship with Him means. I'm still not anywhere near perfect and know I won't ever be, but I am learning each day to give myself over to Him and His purposes and He can do the rest. There are so many things I have to look forward to in the coming year, but for the first time ever, I think, I am actually kind of sad to see 2012 go because of all the things I've done and learned! However, I also know you can't live in the past so I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in 2013 with great anticipation! I know it will be a year of joy welcoming a new baby into our family and me personally getting to be an aunt! But I also know it could be a year of challenges and even possible disappointments because of where I know God is already leading me. I will step ahead in faith though and continue to look forward to everything that will come my way. I will meet each bump in the road the best I can and turn to Him for guidance when I fall. I am so excited to see where God leads and I am looking forward to the adventure! Bring it on 2013!!
It has been almost two months since I returned from Uganda. One might think that as the time goes by the pain of missing that beautiful country and the precious people I left behind there would lessen. However, I miss it now nearly two months later as much as I ever have. I'm not as "emotional" as I was in the beginning, but it is a deeper more raw aching that I feel deep in my heart. I am not a parent so I can't know for sure but I literally feel as though I left my very own children there! There are two precious little ones that my heart longs for and aches to be near. I love them with the kind of love I imagine a mother feels for her own children. I only hope and pray we will be reunited in Uganda one day sooner rather than later, but that is all up to God. Until then I will continue to pray for them and their caregivers, and pray for guidance and discernment for myself! I would appreciate my friends and family praying for the same!
