Patiently waiting...or trying to at least!!

I’ve been licensed now for about a week and a half and I’ve gotten referrals/calls for somewhere around 15 different placements. Unfortunately I’ve had to say no to all of them, but one.  

I got a call this past Friday for a little one that I finally felt confident saying yes to without any hesitation! I was so excited! I started getting things ready and did a little shopping for a few outfits and essentials with my mom Friday evening. I spent the weekend praying for that little one and preparing myself to love them and protect them for however long I would have them. Then on Monday I found out I wasn’t getting the little one after all because they placed them with a different family. I was really disappointed and a little confused about why I didn’t get them after I said yes, but my agency and a few friends said unfortunately this isn’t uncommon because the DCS case managers will call multiple people and agencies and will often just place with whomever says yes first. It still didn’t take away the sting of it, but I’m trying to trust that God has another kiddo He wants with me in His timing, and that that little one is with the family they need to be with. 

It’s so hard to wait and have to say no to so many placements. Some of them have been outside of the parameters that i am licensed for. However, there have been several kiddos I wished so badly I could say yes to, but either I didn’t have the right number/type of beds, or they were just not going to be a good fit for me starting out as a new foster mom. I feel so guilty for that, like I’m a horrible person for saying no so many times. It breaks my heart every time I have to do it. I try to say a quick prayer for each kiddo or kiddos that I do get a referral for and that God will put them in the perfect home. However, it still isn’t easy, but I am so committed to this and trying to be the best possible parent I possibly can be for whatever kiddo God wants to place with me that I know I cannot take this lightly. If I say yes to a kiddo that has more needs than I can deal with or handle by myself as a single mom I won’t be doing them or I any favors! Ultimately I will either not be able to provide that child the things they really need, or I will become so overwhelmed and stressed that I may even have to disrupt the placement. I do not want to find myself in that situation if I can avoid it at all, so that’s why I’m being so thoughtful and “picky” I guess about the placement I do take. And perhaps from the outside looking in it seems like I am just being too picky, and maybe I am, but this is my first time taking a placement and my first time parenting so I’m trying to kind of take it easy on myself this first time around. Foster parenting is not like “regular” parenting. There are so many unknowns, everything can change at a moments notice, and most importantly these kids have all experienced some sort of trauma, and that’s all on top of the regular struggles of parenting in general (not that I’m an expert by any means)! I’m trying to be patient and give myself grace while I’m waiting for the right kiddo to come along, and I’m praying that I will know that in my heart when I do get “that call”! 

I knew this wouldn’t be an easy journey, but God is teaching me so much every day! I still have a lot of moments that I struggle, and I second guess myself a lot, but somehow at the end of the day I am able to rest assured that God is in control and that He has a perfect plan for not only me, but all of the children I may or may not have the opportunity to love in my home!! So, I will just continue to pray, wait, and trust that at the right time the perfect kiddo will be placed in my home! 

June 21, 2019...

This day has probably been one of the best days of my life thus far!!  But before I explain...let me first rewind a bit.  

The past couple weeks have been full of a million different thoughts and emotions.  About three weeks ago my licensing specialist sent me a message saying that the state had reviewed my home study and foster care application and had a few more questions about some things.  At the time she told me that this wasn't anything out of the ordinary and that it isn't unusual for the state to come back with some questions.  I answered the questions to the best of my ability and obtained some more documentation and everything was re-submitted.  About a week later I received a phone call from the licensing specialist and as soon as I saw it was her calling my heart started racing!  I really thought and hoped that she was calling to tell me that the state had approved me and I was licensed, but the moment she spoke I could tell it wasn't good news.  My heart immediately sank and I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that said this was not good at all. She proceeded to tell me that they were not ready to approve me and that they had more questions, pretty specific questions, about a few things before they would consider approving me.  Without going into a lot of details, ultimately I would basically have to have a health professional write a letter on my behalf answering all of the state's questions and stating that they agree I am okay to foster.  Getting this completed has not been easy.  I have been very frustrated, felt like this was God was closing this door, and I began to lose hope.  I was afraid to even pray for God's will because I was so sure I wouldn't like the answer!  As of yesterday I was trying to be as hopeful as I could, but my will was nearly gone and I was pretty certain that even if we obtained the letter and documentation to re-submit it was still ultimately going to be a "No".  I went to bed last night trying to muster as much hope as I could, but also feeling almost at peace with the idea that this was just another door closing. 

Okay, let's fast-forward back to today...I got a message from my licensing specialist this morning that she had (finally) received the letter she needed to re-submit my home study and application to the state and she had just re-submitted it.  Literally, exactly 10 minutes later I received a message from her stating the following: 

"They approved it!!!!!!!  It was quick!!!  You are now officially a licensed foster parent!!!  Congratulations!!!"  

YES!!!  You read that correctly!!  I am OFFICIALLY A LICENSED FOSTER PARENT!!!  Even as I type that happy tears are streaming down my face!!  I can't even put into words how happy I am!!  After months of training, paperwork, a roller-coaster of emotions, and lots of hoping and praying it has truly happened!  I realize now that the peace I was feeling last night was God's way of telling me just to rest in Him and that He would be faithful!!  Friends, he is SO faithful!!  I feel almost silly and embarrassed that I ever doubted Him!!  I honestly don't know if I've ever cried so many happy and grateful tears!!  This dream I've had since I was a little girl of being a mom is coming true!!  I still can't believe I'm typing those words!!  It still feels so surreal!!  God is SO GOOD!!!  

Now, you might be wondering "what's next?".  Well...more waiting essentially, but good waiting!!  Waiting for that phone call for a possible placement!  Basically, they will call, tell me that they have a possible placement, then I can ask questions about the child (which they may or may not be able to answer), and ultimately the decision is up to me.  I never have to say yes.  In fact, they encourage you to say no if you have any doubts.  The ultimate goal is for the child to be safe, for the child to be happy, for me to be happy, and to prevent any disruptions (a child being moved to another foster family).  So...now I wait with open hands and an open heart for the right baby/kiddo to come along! 

Okay friends, now I feel like I'm rambling and this is becoming a novel, so I'm going to wrap this up, but I just want to say a couple final things...First, thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for and supported me during this journey!  Those thoughts and prayers are so appreciated!!  Second, I want to ask for continued thoughts and prayers because let's be real...this journey is really just getting started!!  My life is about to be flipped upside-down and I know it will not always be easy!!  I covet your continued support and prayer as I begin motherhood and this life of foster care!  

Finally friends, I just want to say again that God is SO Faithful!!  If he has called you to something, if you are in the midst of one of life's storms, or if you are just searching for what comes next don't lose hope!!  (Easier said than done, I know)  Throughout this entire journey, even when I didn't feel it and when I thought I was alone and finding it difficult to trust, God was right there in the middle of everything!!  He has carried me with His grace through all of the ups and downs, He has proven that His promises are true and that He is ALWAYS with me!  And friends, He will always be with you too if you just let him!!  

And all of this is why this has been one of the best days ever!!!

In Awe...

I’m sitting here in my nursery thinking about how within just a few weeks (or even less) I could be sitting here rocking a little one to sleep, or tucking a little one into my “big kid” bed and I’m really in awe...In awe of how God has picked me to do this, in awe of how he started preparing me to do this long before I had even begun to consider it, and in awe of how much he loves me!  

It amazes me that God has chosen this journey for me sometimes! I kinda feel like Moses and the burning bush talking to God and saying “Me God!? Really!? Are you sure?!? I’m single remember!? I live in an old house, on one income, and I’m pushing 40! (Sigh) NOW is when you decide to make me a mom!?” And every time I have that little conversation in my head with God I just feel that little “voice” saying “Yep! Just trust me!”  So that’s what I’m doing! Stepping out of that nice sturdy boat to walk out on the choppy waters and I just have to keep my eyes on Him, because if I don’t this girl is going to drown quick!! (Wow...that was a quick transition in metaphors! haha)

The other crazy part of all this is how God has been preparing me for this for so long! Looking back on my life I know even my early days in the NICU as a brand new nurse learning to care for and calm babies affected by substance abuse, or rocking babies who didn’t have family visiting was all starting to prepare me for this journey. My trips to Africa where I learned my heart could love a baby with my whole heart the moment I met him!  The passion He placed in my heart for orphans, and vulnerable children and families. I had no idea at the time, but all these little things were preparing me for this foster care journey He has me on! 

Through all of this, I’m also learning and am just simply in awe of the amazing love He has for me! I can already feel the love in my heart growing for this child or children I haven’t even met yet! Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode with the love I feel growing inside me!! I may not be physically growing this child in my womb, but I feel as if they are growing inside me all the same!! And to know and realize that the love God has for me, and for these children is infinitely greater than what I will ever feel is just simply awe inspiring!! 

Grace in the Journey....

My foster care application and homestudy were officially submitted to the State for approval a week ago! I’ve spent this last week feeling so many different emotions, but despite the nerves and even fear, I am mostly just happy and really excited!! I can’t wait for this oh so quiet home to be filled with the sounds of a little one laughing, or cooing, or even crying! (Maybe ask me how I feel about that in a few months! Haha!) In some ways this journey has seemed like it has taken forever, but in other ways it has flown by!! It’s almost surreal that in as little as 3-4 weeks now I could potentially be licensed and get a call for a placement any time!

As the reality of having my foster care license and becoming a mom starts to get closer and closer, I’ve been thinking a lot about the journey that has brought me here. I’ve come to understand and accept that this journey is not normal...it’s not something that most people will understand. Choosing to become a single mom in the foster care world is not something people see everyday. I know it will be hard, and perhaps even misunderstood at times, but I wouldn’t want to be on any other journey right now!! It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned so much about myself, and the amazing Grace and Faithfulness of our God!

To be honest...a year ago I was not in a great place spiritually...I was struggling with a lot of hurt from “the church” and carrying a lot of bitterness.  I had pretty much stopped going to church other than occasionally watching a service online from the church I loved when I lived near Indianapolis.  Over time I would feel the Spirit tugging me back to Church and into communion with God, but many times I resisted.  But God continually persisted and pursued me and woke me up to His Grace and His Faithfulness in ways I could not have imagined! It was that gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit and God’s continual pursuit though some of those online sermons, the godly counsel of friends, and finally a book that led me back into His loving embrace and ultimately into this foster care journey.  I finally realized that carrying all of that bitterness and even anger wasn’t hurting anyone but myself!  I learned that once I let go of that bitterness and stopped trying to live life on my own terms and walked into the beautiful Grace he so generously offers, I would find joy and peace and a life I could not have imagined!!   The book I read is titled Grace is Greater by Kyle Idleman and friends, it did me in!! It wrecked me in such an amazing way!!  The words in that book were like a spring of water for my tired and thirsty soul!  It taught me not only how to humbly accept His Grace, but then also extend that Grace to others!!  The joy that is found in that Grace is like no other!!  Here are a couple excerpts I loved:


“We can all find ways to reach the conclusion that I’m not that bad, but in doing so we miss out on God’s great gift of grace. Until we recognize our need for grace, we won’t care about receiving it.”

“The worst thing that could happen is that you spend your life trying to outrun God because you think he’s chasing you to collect what you owe – when he’s really chasing you to give you what you could never afford.”

“God’s grace is compelling when explained but irresistible when experienced.”


It is only because of His pursuit and His Grace that I am even on this foster Care journey!!  I’m actually still pretty blown away that He chose me to do this!!  I’m humbled and honored!!  I’m just trying to be faithful and trust that He knows what he’s doing!!  I am choosing to walk obediently into the unknown and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds!!  I have never felt more in the center of God’s calling and His will for my life than I do right now!!

Instagram and spiritual warfare...

In the past 48 hours I think I have experienced just about the entire gamut of emotions that one can experience!  I've gone from feeling completely drained, defeated, and torn down to the kind of joy and affirmation where tears of joy roll down your face.  I knew this foster care journey would not be easy, but I did not realize how difficult and tumultuous the licensing process alone would be!  Twenty-four hours ago I was ready to throw in the towel.  I thought the doors were closing, I was confused and felt like I had made a huge mistake even thinking I could ever do this thing called foster care.  Doubts had not only crept in, they had taken up residence and were making themselves at home!  Why?  You name it...the devil has a sneaky, way of using thoughts, words, and feelings to manipulate us and try to break us down.  I can't really say that there was any one thing specifically that had me feeling so hopelessly defeated and insecure, but rather a combination of a lot of little things.  All I knew was that I felt every bit of opposition one could feel.  If you have any doubts about whether spiritual warfare exists, let me confirm for you right now that it does!  Don't believe me?  Do something big that God is calling you to and you will no longer question it!  The enemy is sneaky, friends!  He's sneaky and will use whatever he can to get to you.  It's hard for me to even describe what I felt in the past couple days, but I can tell you that it wasn't good, and that it wasn't of this earth!  I know I probably sound like a crazy person saying all this, but I felt it and I nearly let it win.  But thankfully, God intervened!

In my confusion and uncertainty I reached out to a couple godly, dear friends who never cease to cheer me on, support me, and pray for me through all of life's ups and downs.  I was chatting with one friend and toward the end of our conversation she asked me how she could specifically pray for me during this time of confusion and uncertainty.  I asked her to pray for clarity and peace if I was to continue, or that if the doors were closing that I would know that for certain and have peace about it.  We wrapped up our conversation as it was getting late and I opened up Instagram as I often do right before going to sleep.  As I began to scroll through the posts one of the first things I saw was this: 

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes and I knew...I knew this was God telling me to continue to move forward and follow this calling!  I knew this was God's "voice" speaking to me!  I can't say for certain what Moses felt when God spoke to him through the burning bush, but this was as close to a burning bush as I've ever experienced and it was the most joy-giving, doubt-stomping, evil-killing affirmation of something I've ever experienced!  I am convinced this post was put there right at that very moment just for me to see it.  How could I ignore that?  In my eyes it read "Someone, Somewhere, is depending on YOU Kristin, to do what God has called YOU to do!"  In the few moments that followed, with tears streaming down my face, every doubt and uncertainty I had were quickly replaced with the kind of peace and confidence only HE can give!  It was a complete, explicit answer to prayer in every way possible!  I knew in those moments that no matter what I may have felt, God held the answers and held me safe in His plans.

In the wake of all this I sit here tonight completely humbled and in awe of God and the fact that He has called ME to this!!  Why me?  What have I done that has led him to decide to use me in this way?  I feel so honored and humbled that God has called me to this.  That I get to be someone He uses to love these precious kiddos!  It's been hard to even know how to respond, other than in obedience and praise.  As another friend said when I told her about this experience "Praise Him.  Just roll with it!  In my experience, things start to fall in place really fast once you decide to lean into all that He has for you."  I'm pretty sure rather than leaning I'm probably clumsily, tripping and falling into Him, but thankfully He catches us no matter how we get there!  I'm so grateful for the loving arms HE provides for us to lean (or fall) into!  If I've learned anything in the past few days it is this...God is fighting for us!  God is fighting for ME!  It may come in the way of a friend's encouraging words, by way of burning bush (well at least for Moses), or by way of an Instagram post, but regardless of how it comes He will come through!  If he calls you to something, He won't ever leave your side!  Even if it feels like the world is fighting against you (and it might be), God is fighting for you and that's all you need!!  The uncertainty and the doubts may never completely go away, but we have a very certain God who will never leave us or foresake us!! Friends...This journey won't be easy!  I am learning more and more every day that this thing called foster care is a world all it's own!  It's a world where things aren't fair, life is hard, it's messy, and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed all at the same time!  I have no doubt that this will not be the last time I feel this kind of turmoil, or have these kind of doubts.  But tonight I rest in this message from my God: "Someone, Somewhere is depending on Me to do what God has called me to do!" Tonight I rest knowing that I can lean into His arms!