Grief and Mother’s Day

This week has had such a wide range of emotions and thoughts surrounding so many different events. I have honestly been struggling to process them all and figure out what I feel about a lot of things. Between this ongoing pandemic, a couple rough evenings with my girl, the death of another innocent black man, flooding and the pandemic taking a huge toll on the livelihood of my friends in Africa, and Mother’s day on Sunday, my emotions and thoughts are all over the place. I had planned on really spending this month advocating and participating in the daily prompts surrounding Foster Care Awareness month, but these last several days I just haven’t been able to bring myself to put my thoughts “on paper” so to speak.

The overarching theme this week seems to be grief. Grieving time with family and friends still. Grieving for my little girl and all the normalcy she’s lost because of her life in foster care. Grieving with my brothers and sisters of color over the senseless murder of a young man just out for a jog. Grieving for my friends in Africa who seem to be doubly affected by this pandemic, and now major flooding in both Uganda and Kenya. And grieving so much surrounding Mother’s Day.

I’m not going to share details about my girl or share my thoughts about Ahmaud Arbrey anymore, and I won’t share about my friends in Africa since I’ve already shared some about that too, but I do want to share more about my feelings and thoughts surrounding Mother’s Day.

I know, you’re probably wondering why I might be grieving on Mother’s Day when I am finally living my dream of being a mom. Of course I’m thrilled to be a mom now, and I wouldn’t change it for the world! Being a mom is the greatest thing I’ve done in my life! But again this year, Mother’s Day will be very bittersweet for me (and a lot of other moms) for a few reasons! For me, Mother’s Day has always been pretty bittersweet and sometimes just down right difficult. I thought this year would be different. I thought this would be the year I’d be able to fully celebrate and thoroughly enjoy everything about this holiday! To be honest this year I actually feel pretty selfish, and I kind of hate to admit this, but I’m kind of having a bit of a pity party. I have dreamt of being a mom my whole life and every year Mother’s Day came and went and every year I wasn’t a mom yet became more painful. This year I have SO been looking forward to Mother’s Day because I finally am a mom, and now I don’t get to celebrate it! At least not the way i thought I would! I was looking forward to the cheesy single carnation the moms get at church or the special little applause for moms by the congregation. But now there’s no church, there’s no waiting in line at a restaurant for over an hour for mom’s favorite meal, and I bought my own Mother’s Day gift because my parents can’t take my girl shopping to help her pick something out. (Not that it’s about gifts at all!) I know how shallow and petty I must sound, and I kind of hate having these thoughts and feelings, but they are real, and as I read this morning another mom said “you have to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings”, so that is what I’m trying to do!  I’m bummed!  I’m sad I won’t get to have that “normal” first Mother’s Day experience I had in my head!

But then there’s a whole different side that makes this Mother’s Day even more bittersweet! And that’s the bittersweet of knowing that the only reason I’m able to be a mom is because there is another momma out there who doesn’t get to have her child at home with her. Another mom who will probably have a worse Mother’s Day than I will. A mom who despite the things I know, and despite how our relationship began, I now have a tender place in my heart for. I don’t agree with things she has done or said, and I don’t love the things my little girl has had to endure because of her, but God loves her and He has given me love for her also. I know she loves her little girl, and I know she must be grieving another Mother’s Day without her children. The brokenness of foster care is never more evident than it is this weekend. The fact that the only reason I am a mom is because of the brokenness of this family has never been more real. The little girl I love as my own, is not my own! The reality of that is hitting me full force.

Yesterday’s prompt for #speakupforfosterkids was about having a relationship with bio families. This is my first experience with foster care and bio families and I will not sugar coat it. I did not like them. The things I know, the history, I made some very snap judgments and my mind was made up that they were not good people. But I prayed about it, and then we had a big meeting where I would end up meeting all of them in person. I have never been more humbled in my life! The kindness, graciousness, and concern for our girl brought me to my knees. It doesn’t change the past and it doesn’t change how my little girl still experiences trauma reactions that can be unpredictable at best. But it did show me that they are just people who made mistakes, who God loves, and who love this little girl. So this weekend my girl and I sat down and picked out a sweet printable card for her mom. She sat and colored it and we have a little gift to get to her also. Because as hard as it is for me to share this, my first Mother’s Day, without this momma I wouldn’t even be a mom!

So friends, despite the grief of this week, and the bittersweet that this weekend brings, I am celebrating the fact that I have the amazing opportunity to be this little girl’s momma for now! I celebrate the relationship I’ve begun to form with her mom. And most of all I celebrate the goodness and faithfulness of our Heavenly Father who is bringing healing and restoration to not only my girl, but to me and my heart as well!

I’m a MOM!!!

A month ago today I became a mom!  I went from being a single, independent, do whatever I want on my own timeline kind of woman to an instant mom of a school age little girl!!  To say that life looks a lot different now would be the understatement of the year!!  Is it hard, you betcha!  Is it tiring?  Yup!  Is it worth it??  Absolutely 110% YES!!!  

I honestly still can’t believe sometimes that this is my life now!  I had a good feeling that mothering and the natural motherly instincts would come fairly easily with a baby since that’s what I know the best, but I really wasn’t sure how easily it would come with an older child!  In fact once I said “Yes” and knew she was coming I kind of panicked because I felt like I had no clue what to do with a little girl her age.  But it’s actually felt more natural than I ever expected it to!  Everything from bedtime routines, and school day routines have felt really natural.   The moments and memories we’ve already shared have been priceless!  Loving her and becoming attached has been so easy and such a joy!! 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that much of our success and how well this has all gone during this first month is because God’s hand has been on us and this whole situation from the very start!! The times I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and unsure of anything God has been right there guiding me and giving me the confidence to continue moving forward!  I wish I could share more of our story and how God orchestrated everything for this precious girl to be in my life, and maybe one day I might be able to, but for now just know that it’s really all HIM!  

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a month with this sweet girl, but at the same time it almost seems like I can barely remember life before her!  Despite all the times I had doubts about whether I could really do this single foster mom thing, I know now that I absolutely can (with HIS help) and this is the best decision I have ever made in my life.   The amount of joy, fun, laughter, and love I have experienced in this past month has been more than I ever thought possible!  To think that if I had let my fear or doubts stop me from taking this leap and missing out on having this girl in my life is the worst thought ever.  I am SO grateful for the support and encouragement I have received and that I took this step of faith because I cannot even fathom not having this girl in my life!  

Now you might be thinking, ‘now Kristin, isn’t dangerous to let your heart fully love her and get too attached?’ And yes, it is a risk!  The main goal of foster care is always reunification with biological parents or family if safe and possible.  So yes, there is a very real possibility I might have to say ‘goodbye’ to this girl or any child I foster, and of course my heart will be completely broken and shattered if/when that does happen!  But what if I didn’t love her fully, or become too attached?  Is it worth saving myself from heartbreak by only loving a child half-heartedly, or not showing a child what healthy attachment looks like? No, absolutely not!  These kids need and deserve to be loved just as though they had been born of my womb!! So that’s what I’m doing!!  This girl may not have any of my DNA or been born from me, but she absolutely has grown in my heart and I will love her just as fiercely as any child I could have given birth to!  

I know I’m only a month into this thing called motherhood, but as a friend recently told me “you were born for this!” and I really feel like that is true!!  I’m certainly not an expert, and I’ve already messed up, but this girl has taught me so much about love, forgiveness, and just being a mom!  I’m so incredibly grateful for God bringing us together, and I am happy to love and care for her for as long as he will allow it!! 

Patiently waiting...or trying to at least!!

I’ve been licensed now for about a week and a half and I’ve gotten referrals/calls for somewhere around 15 different placements. Unfortunately I’ve had to say no to all of them, but one.  

I got a call this past Friday for a little one that I finally felt confident saying yes to without any hesitation! I was so excited! I started getting things ready and did a little shopping for a few outfits and essentials with my mom Friday evening. I spent the weekend praying for that little one and preparing myself to love them and protect them for however long I would have them. Then on Monday I found out I wasn’t getting the little one after all because they placed them with a different family. I was really disappointed and a little confused about why I didn’t get them after I said yes, but my agency and a few friends said unfortunately this isn’t uncommon because the DCS case managers will call multiple people and agencies and will often just place with whomever says yes first. It still didn’t take away the sting of it, but I’m trying to trust that God has another kiddo He wants with me in His timing, and that that little one is with the family they need to be with. 

It’s so hard to wait and have to say no to so many placements. Some of them have been outside of the parameters that i am licensed for. However, there have been several kiddos I wished so badly I could say yes to, but either I didn’t have the right number/type of beds, or they were just not going to be a good fit for me starting out as a new foster mom. I feel so guilty for that, like I’m a horrible person for saying no so many times. It breaks my heart every time I have to do it. I try to say a quick prayer for each kiddo or kiddos that I do get a referral for and that God will put them in the perfect home. However, it still isn’t easy, but I am so committed to this and trying to be the best possible parent I possibly can be for whatever kiddo God wants to place with me that I know I cannot take this lightly. If I say yes to a kiddo that has more needs than I can deal with or handle by myself as a single mom I won’t be doing them or I any favors! Ultimately I will either not be able to provide that child the things they really need, or I will become so overwhelmed and stressed that I may even have to disrupt the placement. I do not want to find myself in that situation if I can avoid it at all, so that’s why I’m being so thoughtful and “picky” I guess about the placement I do take. And perhaps from the outside looking in it seems like I am just being too picky, and maybe I am, but this is my first time taking a placement and my first time parenting so I’m trying to kind of take it easy on myself this first time around. Foster parenting is not like “regular” parenting. There are so many unknowns, everything can change at a moments notice, and most importantly these kids have all experienced some sort of trauma, and that’s all on top of the regular struggles of parenting in general (not that I’m an expert by any means)! I’m trying to be patient and give myself grace while I’m waiting for the right kiddo to come along, and I’m praying that I will know that in my heart when I do get “that call”! 

I knew this wouldn’t be an easy journey, but God is teaching me so much every day! I still have a lot of moments that I struggle, and I second guess myself a lot, but somehow at the end of the day I am able to rest assured that God is in control and that He has a perfect plan for not only me, but all of the children I may or may not have the opportunity to love in my home!! So, I will just continue to pray, wait, and trust that at the right time the perfect kiddo will be placed in my home! 

June 21, 2019...

This day has probably been one of the best days of my life thus far!!  But before I explain...let me first rewind a bit.  

The past couple weeks have been full of a million different thoughts and emotions.  About three weeks ago my licensing specialist sent me a message saying that the state had reviewed my home study and foster care application and had a few more questions about some things.  At the time she told me that this wasn't anything out of the ordinary and that it isn't unusual for the state to come back with some questions.  I answered the questions to the best of my ability and obtained some more documentation and everything was re-submitted.  About a week later I received a phone call from the licensing specialist and as soon as I saw it was her calling my heart started racing!  I really thought and hoped that she was calling to tell me that the state had approved me and I was licensed, but the moment she spoke I could tell it wasn't good news.  My heart immediately sank and I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that said this was not good at all. She proceeded to tell me that they were not ready to approve me and that they had more questions, pretty specific questions, about a few things before they would consider approving me.  Without going into a lot of details, ultimately I would basically have to have a health professional write a letter on my behalf answering all of the state's questions and stating that they agree I am okay to foster.  Getting this completed has not been easy.  I have been very frustrated, felt like this was God was closing this door, and I began to lose hope.  I was afraid to even pray for God's will because I was so sure I wouldn't like the answer!  As of yesterday I was trying to be as hopeful as I could, but my will was nearly gone and I was pretty certain that even if we obtained the letter and documentation to re-submit it was still ultimately going to be a "No".  I went to bed last night trying to muster as much hope as I could, but also feeling almost at peace with the idea that this was just another door closing. 

Okay, let's fast-forward back to today...I got a message from my licensing specialist this morning that she had (finally) received the letter she needed to re-submit my home study and application to the state and she had just re-submitted it.  Literally, exactly 10 minutes later I received a message from her stating the following: 

"They approved it!!!!!!!  It was quick!!!  You are now officially a licensed foster parent!!!  Congratulations!!!"  

YES!!!  You read that correctly!!  I am OFFICIALLY A LICENSED FOSTER PARENT!!!  Even as I type that happy tears are streaming down my face!!  I can't even put into words how happy I am!!  After months of training, paperwork, a roller-coaster of emotions, and lots of hoping and praying it has truly happened!  I realize now that the peace I was feeling last night was God's way of telling me just to rest in Him and that He would be faithful!!  Friends, he is SO faithful!!  I feel almost silly and embarrassed that I ever doubted Him!!  I honestly don't know if I've ever cried so many happy and grateful tears!!  This dream I've had since I was a little girl of being a mom is coming true!!  I still can't believe I'm typing those words!!  It still feels so surreal!!  God is SO GOOD!!!  

Now, you might be wondering "what's next?".  Well...more waiting essentially, but good waiting!!  Waiting for that phone call for a possible placement!  Basically, they will call, tell me that they have a possible placement, then I can ask questions about the child (which they may or may not be able to answer), and ultimately the decision is up to me.  I never have to say yes.  In fact, they encourage you to say no if you have any doubts.  The ultimate goal is for the child to be safe, for the child to be happy, for me to be happy, and to prevent any disruptions (a child being moved to another foster family).  So...now I wait with open hands and an open heart for the right baby/kiddo to come along! 

Okay friends, now I feel like I'm rambling and this is becoming a novel, so I'm going to wrap this up, but I just want to say a couple final things...First, thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for and supported me during this journey!  Those thoughts and prayers are so appreciated!!  Second, I want to ask for continued thoughts and prayers because let's be real...this journey is really just getting started!!  My life is about to be flipped upside-down and I know it will not always be easy!!  I covet your continued support and prayer as I begin motherhood and this life of foster care!  

Finally friends, I just want to say again that God is SO Faithful!!  If he has called you to something, if you are in the midst of one of life's storms, or if you are just searching for what comes next don't lose hope!!  (Easier said than done, I know)  Throughout this entire journey, even when I didn't feel it and when I thought I was alone and finding it difficult to trust, God was right there in the middle of everything!!  He has carried me with His grace through all of the ups and downs, He has proven that His promises are true and that He is ALWAYS with me!  And friends, He will always be with you too if you just let him!!  

And all of this is why this has been one of the best days ever!!!

In Awe...

I’m sitting here in my nursery thinking about how within just a few weeks (or even less) I could be sitting here rocking a little one to sleep, or tucking a little one into my “big kid” bed and I’m really in awe...In awe of how God has picked me to do this, in awe of how he started preparing me to do this long before I had even begun to consider it, and in awe of how much he loves me!  

It amazes me that God has chosen this journey for me sometimes! I kinda feel like Moses and the burning bush talking to God and saying “Me God!? Really!? Are you sure?!? I’m single remember!? I live in an old house, on one income, and I’m pushing 40! (Sigh) NOW is when you decide to make me a mom!?” And every time I have that little conversation in my head with God I just feel that little “voice” saying “Yep! Just trust me!”  So that’s what I’m doing! Stepping out of that nice sturdy boat to walk out on the choppy waters and I just have to keep my eyes on Him, because if I don’t this girl is going to drown quick!! (Wow...that was a quick transition in metaphors! haha)

The other crazy part of all this is how God has been preparing me for this for so long! Looking back on my life I know even my early days in the NICU as a brand new nurse learning to care for and calm babies affected by substance abuse, or rocking babies who didn’t have family visiting was all starting to prepare me for this journey. My trips to Africa where I learned my heart could love a baby with my whole heart the moment I met him!  The passion He placed in my heart for orphans, and vulnerable children and families. I had no idea at the time, but all these little things were preparing me for this foster care journey He has me on! 

Through all of this, I’m also learning and am just simply in awe of the amazing love He has for me! I can already feel the love in my heart growing for this child or children I haven’t even met yet! Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode with the love I feel growing inside me!! I may not be physically growing this child in my womb, but I feel as if they are growing inside me all the same!! And to know and realize that the love God has for me, and for these children is infinitely greater than what I will ever feel is just simply awe inspiring!! 

Grace in the Journey....

My foster care application and homestudy were officially submitted to the State for approval a week ago! I’ve spent this last week feeling so many different emotions, but despite the nerves and even fear, I am mostly just happy and really excited!! I can’t wait for this oh so quiet home to be filled with the sounds of a little one laughing, or cooing, or even crying! (Maybe ask me how I feel about that in a few months! Haha!) In some ways this journey has seemed like it has taken forever, but in other ways it has flown by!! It’s almost surreal that in as little as 3-4 weeks now I could potentially be licensed and get a call for a placement any time!

As the reality of having my foster care license and becoming a mom starts to get closer and closer, I’ve been thinking a lot about the journey that has brought me here. I’ve come to understand and accept that this journey is not normal...it’s not something that most people will understand. Choosing to become a single mom in the foster care world is not something people see everyday. I know it will be hard, and perhaps even misunderstood at times, but I wouldn’t want to be on any other journey right now!! It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned so much about myself, and the amazing Grace and Faithfulness of our God!

To be honest...a year ago I was not in a great place spiritually...I was struggling with a lot of hurt from “the church” and carrying a lot of bitterness.  I had pretty much stopped going to church other than occasionally watching a service online from the church I loved when I lived near Indianapolis.  Over time I would feel the Spirit tugging me back to Church and into communion with God, but many times I resisted.  But God continually persisted and pursued me and woke me up to His Grace and His Faithfulness in ways I could not have imagined! It was that gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit and God’s continual pursuit though some of those online sermons, the godly counsel of friends, and finally a book that led me back into His loving embrace and ultimately into this foster care journey.  I finally realized that carrying all of that bitterness and even anger wasn’t hurting anyone but myself!  I learned that once I let go of that bitterness and stopped trying to live life on my own terms and walked into the beautiful Grace he so generously offers, I would find joy and peace and a life I could not have imagined!!   The book I read is titled Grace is Greater by Kyle Idleman and friends, it did me in!! It wrecked me in such an amazing way!!  The words in that book were like a spring of water for my tired and thirsty soul!  It taught me not only how to humbly accept His Grace, but then also extend that Grace to others!!  The joy that is found in that Grace is like no other!!  Here are a couple excerpts I loved:


“We can all find ways to reach the conclusion that I’m not that bad, but in doing so we miss out on God’s great gift of grace. Until we recognize our need for grace, we won’t care about receiving it.”

“The worst thing that could happen is that you spend your life trying to outrun God because you think he’s chasing you to collect what you owe – when he’s really chasing you to give you what you could never afford.”

“God’s grace is compelling when explained but irresistible when experienced.”


It is only because of His pursuit and His Grace that I am even on this foster Care journey!!  I’m actually still pretty blown away that He chose me to do this!!  I’m humbled and honored!!  I’m just trying to be faithful and trust that He knows what he’s doing!!  I am choosing to walk obediently into the unknown and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds!!  I have never felt more in the center of God’s calling and His will for my life than I do right now!!

Instagram and spiritual warfare...

In the past 48 hours I think I have experienced just about the entire gamut of emotions that one can experience!  I've gone from feeling completely drained, defeated, and torn down to the kind of joy and affirmation where tears of joy roll down your face.  I knew this foster care journey would not be easy, but I did not realize how difficult and tumultuous the licensing process alone would be!  Twenty-four hours ago I was ready to throw in the towel.  I thought the doors were closing, I was confused and felt like I had made a huge mistake even thinking I could ever do this thing called foster care.  Doubts had not only crept in, they had taken up residence and were making themselves at home!  Why?  You name it...the devil has a sneaky, way of using thoughts, words, and feelings to manipulate us and try to break us down.  I can't really say that there was any one thing specifically that had me feeling so hopelessly defeated and insecure, but rather a combination of a lot of little things.  All I knew was that I felt every bit of opposition one could feel.  If you have any doubts about whether spiritual warfare exists, let me confirm for you right now that it does!  Don't believe me?  Do something big that God is calling you to and you will no longer question it!  The enemy is sneaky, friends!  He's sneaky and will use whatever he can to get to you.  It's hard for me to even describe what I felt in the past couple days, but I can tell you that it wasn't good, and that it wasn't of this earth!  I know I probably sound like a crazy person saying all this, but I felt it and I nearly let it win.  But thankfully, God intervened!

In my confusion and uncertainty I reached out to a couple godly, dear friends who never cease to cheer me on, support me, and pray for me through all of life's ups and downs.  I was chatting with one friend and toward the end of our conversation she asked me how she could specifically pray for me during this time of confusion and uncertainty.  I asked her to pray for clarity and peace if I was to continue, or that if the doors were closing that I would know that for certain and have peace about it.  We wrapped up our conversation as it was getting late and I opened up Instagram as I often do right before going to sleep.  As I began to scroll through the posts one of the first things I saw was this: 

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes and I knew...I knew this was God telling me to continue to move forward and follow this calling!  I knew this was God's "voice" speaking to me!  I can't say for certain what Moses felt when God spoke to him through the burning bush, but this was as close to a burning bush as I've ever experienced and it was the most joy-giving, doubt-stomping, evil-killing affirmation of something I've ever experienced!  I am convinced this post was put there right at that very moment just for me to see it.  How could I ignore that?  In my eyes it read "Someone, Somewhere, is depending on YOU Kristin, to do what God has called YOU to do!"  In the few moments that followed, with tears streaming down my face, every doubt and uncertainty I had were quickly replaced with the kind of peace and confidence only HE can give!  It was a complete, explicit answer to prayer in every way possible!  I knew in those moments that no matter what I may have felt, God held the answers and held me safe in His plans.

In the wake of all this I sit here tonight completely humbled and in awe of God and the fact that He has called ME to this!!  Why me?  What have I done that has led him to decide to use me in this way?  I feel so honored and humbled that God has called me to this.  That I get to be someone He uses to love these precious kiddos!  It's been hard to even know how to respond, other than in obedience and praise.  As another friend said when I told her about this experience "Praise Him.  Just roll with it!  In my experience, things start to fall in place really fast once you decide to lean into all that He has for you."  I'm pretty sure rather than leaning I'm probably clumsily, tripping and falling into Him, but thankfully He catches us no matter how we get there!  I'm so grateful for the loving arms HE provides for us to lean (or fall) into!  If I've learned anything in the past few days it is this...God is fighting for us!  God is fighting for ME!  It may come in the way of a friend's encouraging words, by way of burning bush (well at least for Moses), or by way of an Instagram post, but regardless of how it comes He will come through!  If he calls you to something, He won't ever leave your side!  Even if it feels like the world is fighting against you (and it might be), God is fighting for you and that's all you need!!  The uncertainty and the doubts may never completely go away, but we have a very certain God who will never leave us or foresake us!! Friends...This journey won't be easy!  I am learning more and more every day that this thing called foster care is a world all it's own!  It's a world where things aren't fair, life is hard, it's messy, and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed all at the same time!  I have no doubt that this will not be the last time I feel this kind of turmoil, or have these kind of doubts.  But tonight I rest in this message from my God: "Someone, Somewhere is depending on Me to do what God has called me to do!" Tonight I rest knowing that I can lean into His arms!

I'm preparing a place for you...

I have my first home study visit this coming Tuesday, so I've been trying to get things ready in my house so that I can make the best impression possible.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous!  In fact I'm feeling all sorts of emotions!  Everything from excitement to fear, and everything in between.  I'm happy that I've made it to this point in the process and that it's been progressing well up until now, but I'm also afraid and nervous that something could still happen to prevent this from becoming a reality.  I just keep trying to lay all these fears and anxieties down at my Father's feet and allow His will to prevail no matter what that is, but to be honest it's hard sometimes.  I'm human...I still have a hard time trusting at times, but I try to keep reminding myself that when I do trust Him, He is faithful and carries me through whatever circumstances I'm in! 

As I've been getting things ready in my house, buying a few things here and there for the baby/kid rooms, cleaning and organizing, etc., I've actually started to allow myself to imagine what it might be like to have a little one in this home with me!  I fold the cute little onesies and think about the little one that might someday wear them.  I see the bed where I might be kneeling down to tuck a little boy or girl into bed for the night.  I imagine what it will be like to hear the pitter patter of little feet on my squeaky hardwood floors.  All these preparations for a little one I haven't even met yet, but my heart is already swelling with the love I want to show them!  I am praying over this home, that whoever comes into my care will know they are safe and cherished and loved, not only by me, but more importantly by our Heavenly Father!  All of these preparations have reminded me of how Jesus has gone before us to prepare a place for us too!  What an awesome privilege it is to know the creator of the universe is preparing an eternal home just for me!  I only hope that I can provide just a fraction of the kind of love God has for us to this little one I have yet to meet!  Oh little one...I may not know who you are yet, but God does, and He is helping me prepare this earthly home just for you!  I can't wait to meet you, and I promise I will love you well for however long you are in this home and beyond!! 

A new journey...Fostering in love.

Where do I begin?  I guess at the beginning.  Anyone who knows me well, or maybe even not that well, knows that orphans, adoption, and loving children is something that has been on my heart for a very long time.  I can remember being a little girl and thinking I would one day like to adopt.  Fast forward to 2012 and I met my sponsor son Bobby and the idea of adopting internationally was sparked.  However, over the past couple years it has become really clear that adopting from Uganda is not part of God's plan.  As those doors closed I became pretty discouraged and thought that perhaps God was closing the doors for me to become a mother at all.  I had many dark days where I'd all but given up on the idea of ever being a mom, but I continued to try to leave my future all in His hands.  Many times I tried very hard to keep my grip on things even a little bit, only to realize of course that when I finally let go and surrendered to God I'd gain more peace than if I'd planned things myself!  During the past few years I have often times thought about the option of doing foster care, but I would usually end up pushing it to the back of my mind because I knew with a crazy night shift nurse's schedule it just wouldn't be a possibility.  I hoped and prayed for an opportunity to change jobs (for a multitude of reasons), but things just never seemed to work out.  At least not when or how I wanted them to!  Then a couple years ago my dear friend convinced me to give school nursing a try as a substitute nurse.  I was hesitant at first because all I had ever done was NICU nursing!  I knew babies not kids or adults!  I finally decided to give it a try though, and within my first couple days subbing I was in love!!  I learned quite a bit in those first several months as a substitute school nurse, so at the end of the school year when a full time position became available I eagerly applied and thought 'This is it!  This is the opportunity I've been waiting for!'.  It will come as no surprise that when I didn't get the job I was heartbroken!  Devastated!  I was even angry at God for in my mind 'dangling the perfect job right in front of me, only to rip it away like a cruel joke!'.  I considered quitting as a sub all together because I just couldn't see continuing to do it knowing it wasn't going to work out in the long run.  But, thankfully my friend encouraged me to continue and try again the following year when there would be more full time openings due to several nurses retiring.  The thought of having to wait an entire year was excruciating at times, but I began to sense a peace about it and tried to be patient.  During that time God also began to mold my heart and open it more and more to the idea of becoming a foster parent.  In a public school system we see a lot of children in foster care, and my heart began to really have a special place for those kiddos who just need a little extra love.  The time came to apply for the full time school nurse positions and I once again did so eagerly!  This time, however, I was offered a position just a few hours after my interview!!  I was ecstatic!!  And now, as I look back, that extra year subbing and gaining experience with the kiddos all makes sense now!  God was preparing me for my current job and preparing me for the next journey he was going to take me on...that of becoming a foster mom!  

God has been preparing my heart and guiding me to this point long before I ever realized it, but I couldn't be more excited to see where this is going to take me!  I'm just in sort of the beginning to middle stages of the process to become a Licensed Therapeutic Foster Parent, which in Indiana is how you are automatically licensed when you go through an agency.  I have spent the last several months doing lots of research, praying, educating myself, and then more praying about how God wanted me to move forward and I'm excited about the path I'm on so far!  I've had so many thoughts and emotions in the past several weeks as I've begun this process; everything from joy and excitement to fear and doubt!  One of the things that God has really been helping me learn and grasp is the whole idea of foster care and what that truly means.  The initial goal for every child placed in foster care is reunification with their birth family, and I truly believe that is the best scenario when it's safe and possible.  My job as a foster parent will be to take in that child/children, provide them a safe environment, and love them the best way I know how for however long they may be in my care!  I'm not a replacement for that child's mother, and I don't want to be.  Will it be heartbreaking to love a child and then see them leave?  Of course, but ultimately it's not about me or my feelings!  It's about these precious kids who just need love, and compassion, and a chance at a life without heartache!  This quote kind of says it all for me "I'm not afraid to grieve.  I'm afraid of what would happen to these children if no one took the risk to love them."  I'm sure I'll be writing much more about this and sharing my journey along the way, but for now I'm just excited to see how this all unfolds!  God is up to some big things and I'm pretty blown away that he's picked me to be a vessel!  

And now maybe you're asking yourself 'how can I help or learn more?'.  Well, if you're interested in learning more about foster care in general message me and I can connect you to some of the resources I used.  If you want to help me...for now the biggest thing people can do for me is pray!  Pray for my heart as I start this journey, pray for the children and the families I'll come in contact with, and pray that God continues to provide and show me how to proceed.  If you want to help in more tangible ways I think I'm going to start a private facebook group for anyone who wants to keep closer tabs on how everything is progressing, and I'll also post ways there to help in more tangible ways.  As the saying goes...it takes a village and I know I will need quite a village on this journey! 

What I've learned in 100 days of being a school nurse...

It's been awhile since my fingers have found this proverbial keyboard to write a "blog post", but I'm entering a time that I think my soul will find a lot of respite in tapping away on these keys.  I've always found writing to be a sort of refuge and cathartic way of expressing myself, so I decided to come back to this old blog, dust off this keyboard, and begin writing again. 

To start I just thought I'd share some experiences from my new job as a school nurse and what I've learned.  We officially hit the 100 days of school mark this week, and there were all sorts of celebrations going on in the school.  My favorite had to be the parade of all the kindergarten students in cute little DIY t-shirts that celebrated the 100 days of school.  There were several kiddos that had glued 100 googly eyes on the shirt, I saw a girl with a photocopied 100 dollar bill on the front of her shirt, a little boy with 100 dinosaur stickers on his shirt, and maybe my favorite the little one with an entire 100 piece puzzle glued to the front of his shirt!  Even the teachers joined in the fun with their decorated t-shirts!  It was so fun to see all the cute little kiddos parading through the office with their shirts and 100 shaped glasses!  So what have I learned in these 100+ days as a school nurse?  A lot...I've learned a lot!!  My first lesson...(which I had already sort of learned as a sub nurse)...Ice cures anything!!  Bump an elbow?  Give them Ice!  Scrape a knee?  Give them a band aid and Ice!  Have a headache?  Give them Ice!  I've not quite figured out what is so magical about Ice, but there is some sort of magical thing that happens once a child has ice in their hands!  Lesson number 2...You can never have enough tissues!  I swear sometimes I go through an entire box in a single day!  Lesson 3...I wear many hats!  What do I mean by that?  Well, in a given day I will usually play the roll of obviously a nurse, but also a counselor, a waitress, a glasses repairer, a shoe cobbler, a mom away from mom, a vision screener, an immunization record keeper, a dentist, and an entomologist (bug person) just to name a few!!  To say that being a school nurse keeps me on my toes would be an understatement!  What else have I learned?  Most importantly I've learned that while being a school nurse is all these fun and light-hearted things, it is also harder and more involved than I ever would have dreamed!  I've learned that my role is not just to be there for the physical well-being of these students I care for, but also their emotional and even mental well-being as well!  For some of these kids, my interaction with them however small it may be, could be one of the few positive interactions they experience during that day.  Those 7 hours or so they are at school could be the only time they see positive adult roll models.  Their school lunch could be the only well balanced meal they get every day.  I've learned to not take this job or my few moments with these kids lightly at all!  I do my best every day to be a positive adult in these childrens' lives!  This job has opened my eyes and opened my heart to so many both wonderful and heartbreaking things, but at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be doing anything else!  There's nothing like having a little 6 year old walk up to you for no reason and just say "Can I hug you nurse?"!!  I love my job and I feel like I now have about 450 kiddos to call "my own"! 

My Story...

I heard somewhere that yesterday was National Write Your Story Day and I have been thinking I need to get back into writing more, not necessarily for anyone else, but because it can be so cathartic for me. So I guess today is as good as any to start again and share just a little bit of my story. It’s kind of long, and really vulnerable, but I hope maybe even just one person will be helped because I shared. So here it goes...


Depression. It’s a word that I feel is still so taboo at times in our society. Almost like it’s a dirty word or something. I hear people talk about it as though it’s a curse or that it is something people should just be able to snap out of. Think about it...really honestly ask yourself what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word depression or that “someone is depressed”? Do you picture the TV ads of a cartoon person with a cloud over their head? Do you think of someone like Robin Williams who to the world seemed as happy as anyone could be? Or do you picture your neighbor or a close friend or that person in line in front of you at the grocery store? You want to know what I picture? I see myself...I look in the mirror and see the face of someone who has struggled with depression to one degree or another for most of my adult life! Why do I share this? Because it’s a big part of my story. As a dear friend reminded me tonight; “You can't choose whether you will or won't be depressed. Unfortunately it chooses you.” But what I can do is choose to see it as my opponent, recognize it (which is one of the toughest battles), deal with it, and do what I can to combat it with resources that work for me! Don’t get me wrong...none of this is easy!! Ask my friend who spent a couple hours this evening convincing me that I’m not a complete failure, and that all the negative thoughts in my head about myself are completely wrong! Telling me things like “You are young! You are beautiful! You are independent! You have so much going for you! I got your back. I love you unconditionally and I'm always here to listen and bounce ideas off of and complain to and laugh with. I've got you!” It’s because of people like her in my life that I am able to battle this at all! Depression is one of those things that can rear it’s ugly head so sneakily, and before you know it you’re curled up in your bed crying for no known reason. There have been times in my life where I have felt so isolated and alone that I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up! I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for; a loving family and friends, but when you have clinical depression it doesn’t matter! No matter what people say, or how loved you are, the lingering feelings of loneliness and sadness still weigh you down. It feels completely hopeless! I don’t think you can ever really know what it feels like unless you have truly experienced it. It’s more than just feeling a little sad or lonely. Once you have experienced it though, it’s hard to forget.


Why do I share all this? Why am I being so open about one of the darkest things I’ve struggled with in my life? Because I want people to know it’s OK to NOT be Okay! I want for maybe just one person to read this and realize they aren’t alone and that it’s ok to need help!! I was scared to death the first time I reached out for help! It’s scary to admit you have really negative feelings and that you can’t control them on your own! I first sought counseling when I was in college and have used that as a tool more than once since then. Counseling is a way to talk things through with someone who is completely impartial and open-minded , and who can give you tools and feedback to help you combat the negative feelings! It has helped me tremendously at times! And I’m on an antidepressant, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also for my fibromyalgia, but guess what...fibro and clinical depression go together like peanut butter and jelly! (Do I get a prize for a double whammy) Seriously though, I just want people to know depression, counseling, antidepressants, and whatever else...none of it is anything to be ashamed of!! Depression is an illness...Just like a virus, or even cancer! It’s not something we choose, and it’s not something we can just shake off! It can be treated, and dealt with, but not on your own! So it’s okay to not be okay!! Please seek help! Message me and I’d be happy to talk, call a counselor, talk to a friend or a pastor, but don’t feel ashamed and don’t suffer alone! You aren’t alone in this!


Finally, to those of you who are Christians...depression doesn’t exclude us! If you are struggling with depression it absolutely does not mean you aren’t a “good enough” Christian! That is something I personally struggled with a lot! I thought I was being punished for past sins, or wrong decisions. But I was wrong! Being a Christian and loving God does not exclude us from this illness! (Just look at Job or David if you don’t believe me!) However, because of our Faith we do have one more tactic in battling against it! I really believe God has allowed be to walk through some of these dark days, and weeks, and months so that I could come through it with His help, and with the help of counseling etc., on the other side stronger and with more faith than I had before! Does that mean my struggle is over? Not at all! I still struggle almost daily with negative “self-talk” and feelings! Some days I’m better at pushing all of them aside than others, but there are still days I really struggle! I’m grateful for people in my life who love me and build me up, even when I’m doing my best to tear myself down! I’m grateful for having the ability to get counseling! And as hard as all of this is, I am grateful for this being part of my story! If just one person can be helped because of my story, then all of it is worth it!!

Thy Will be done

Have you ever been so sure of something that no one could tell you anything that would change your mind? So sure that God was leading you down a certain path, and that all the little details that fell into place were just further confirmation that you were heading down the right path in His will? That's exactly how I felt the last time I wrote when I shared about Daniel and I! If you had told me 6 weeks ago that I'd be where I am today I wouldn't have believed you for a second!! I probably would have told you that you were crazy! But sometimes life takes really big turns and you end up on your knees in the middle of the new road pleading for answers or some sort of explanation! There you are, confused and alone wondering where you went wrong, or how you could have misread things so horribly! Well...unfortunately that's exactly where I am! Things with Daniel didn't work out...but not because of anything bad on his part or mine...just simply poor timing I suppose. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not heartbroken, because I am! In fact my heart is pretty shattered! I have more questions than answers...and more ache than peace right now. Hillary Scott captures exactly what I feel in her song "Thy Will"

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy Will be done, Thy Will be done, Thy Will be done!"

I don't know why this is happening or how I will move forward other than to just fall to my knees, let God hear my tears, and simply say "Thy Will be done!!"

When you least expect it....

When you least expect it….

I used to hate that phrase, and I mean really hate it!!  As in, cringe and want to punch someone when they said it, hate it!!  I mean, really in all reality, when are you not expecting or hoping for something!  As a single woman I most commonly heard that phrase in reference to meeting a guy, or “the one”.  I found it hard to believe that there would come a time in my life that I wouldn’t be expecting it at least a little.  But to my surprise, over the past year or so after several months of really struggling and doing a lot of praying and “soul searching” I came to a place in my life that I was really at peace with the idea of being single, and I was content if that was what God had planned for my life.  I have a good job, great friends and family, an adorable nephew and another niece or nephew on the way, and people that I love and care about all over the world!!  I have had the opportunity to do amazing things like go to Africa and volunteer with Children’s Heart Project that I probably would not have been able to do had I been married or had a family.  I had finally found my “happy place” being single.  And then the unexpected happened…during my recent trip to Uganda and Kenya, God placed Daniel in my life, and things have not been the same since that day!!  The last thing I wanted or expected from this trip was to meet a guy!!  Especially after a bad experience a couple years ago!  There I was, in Kenya for the first time, just trying to take it all in and get to know the children at the ministry we were visiting, and in the middle of it all God was up to something!!  Prior to ever arriving in Kenya, our trip leaders told us how wonderful our driver, Daniel, in Kenya was!  I admittedly took that with a grain of salt because how could anyone be any better than our awesome drivers in Uganda?  I was completely surprised when I met Daniel and connected with him in a way I definitely was not expecting!!  I can only describe our connection and the way things have played out since then as truly God ordained!!  I never would have expected or dreamed to meet someone like Daniel, but God had other plans!  I have met this man that is one of the most kind-hearted, honest, compassionate, God-fearing men I have ever met!!  I’ve met a man who tells me I’m more beautiful when I don’t wear makeup than when I do, who tells me how much he cares about me daily, and who makes me feel more loved than I ever have by a man.  Daniel has come so far in his life, and has such big dreams, I know God has amazing things in store for him!!  Meeting Daniel has been both completely unexpected, and completely natural and welcomed all at the same time!!  Getting to know him more and more over the past couple months has been wonderful!  Thanks to technology and the internet, we are able to talk on the phone every day!!  We talk about silly things, serious things, and everything in between and we love every minute of it!!  I have laughed, and smiled more in the past couple months than I have in a very long time!!  There are times when I feel like nothing could wipe the giant smile off my face!!  I have no idea what God has in store for Daniel and I’s future, but I know that it will be pretty amazing!!  I am falling for a man that lives half-way around the world, and I have no idea what that looks like for our future, but I am so ready for this adventure with him!!  I could not be more grateful to God for bringing this amazing man into my life!!  I’m so grateful for the way He has brought us together, and written this beautiful story that I get to be part of!!  So…I guess it is like everyone says…you never know what might happen when you least expect it!!!  

Lessons learned in Uganda...

I've been meaning to write an update ever since I got back from Uganda, but between not having internet until a few weeks ago, and just life in general being busy, I am just now getting to it. There has been so much going on since my trip including getting ready for another international trip...but I'll get to that in another post. Truthfully part of my delay in writing has just been that I haven't really known exactly how to put everything into words. As expected everyone has been asking how my trip was when I got back from Uganda. I always smile and say it was great, which is the truth, but what haven't said is that it was also very difficult for me in a lot of ways. It was difficult because I don't think my heart was really fully ready for the disappointments and emotions I experienced while I was there. First, the whole situation and heartbreak with the guy I wrote about previously was still very fresh. For months I had thought about and looked forward to walking out of that airport in Entebbe and seeing him and his big smile standing there waiting for me! I had played that scene over and over in my head in anticipation. I had been so excited to see him standing there welcoming me when I arrived that night, but instead I walked out and was welcomed by complete strangers standing there holding a piece of paper with my name scribbled on it. It was almost like experiencing that initial heartbreak all over again. I don't think I was prepared for that at all...no, I know I wasn't prepared for that. I made it to the guest house that night tired, emotional, and just ready for a fresh new day. Thankfully, waking up the next morning to the familiar Ugandan sounds of roosters crowing, cicadas chirping, and all those other familiar sounds reminded me of my love for that country and not just a man that represented that place to me. God reaffirmed in my heart that it really is the country and people I truly love, and that my love for that place goes much deeper than any love I thought I had for a man who lives there. 

The other very difficult part of this trip was seeing my sweet Bobby. I was so excited to see him again, but I knew after my last trip that he may need a little time to warm up to me. I was not prepared for the reality of his reaction though. As soon as I even tried to simply wave at him from a distance and say hi he would begin crying and screaming, drop to the ground, and back as far away from me as he could possibly get. My heart sank! This boy I love so dearly wants nothing to do with me, and is terrified of me! I hoped maybe as the day or days moved on he might as least allow me to get close enough to hug him or even just talk to him and tell him how much I love him. In reality, my hopes were dashed and things didn't improve at all. In fact it actually got worse at times. Just a look and a smile at him from across the room would send him into a full blown tantrum! My heart broke seeing this boy that I love completely reject me and be so afraid of me. And every time he broke down my heart broke a little more. I was completely crushed! All the other babies and children at his baby home loved me, and even fought over sitting with me at times. I was happy to love on the other kiddos, but deep down I longed just to hold Bobby for even just one moment. Unfortunately, that never happened. The closest I was ever able to get to him was a few feet away for a picture. I wasn't even able to get a single picture of just him and I together. The closest I came to having a moment with him was when his caregiver gave him the few little books and toys I had brought for him. He did at least seem to enjoy those and carried them around proudly for several minutes. I was still heartbroken that this boy I love wouldn't allow me to hug him or tell him how much I love him. I still don't totally understand why God allowed me the opportunity to go all that way to see him only to be completely rejected and heartbroken. Contrast that with my time with my sponsor daughter, Norah who came right to me. I was elated to finally meet her and hold her in my arms! We had two great days bonding and getting to know each other! I am so grateful I had such a nice time with Norah, because I don't know how I would have handled it if she hadn't come to me so easily. I still struggle at times with the heartbreak God allowed me to experience while I was there with Bobby, but He has been using that heartbreak (and the joy I felt with Norah) to teach me more about Him (as he so brilliantly does). God has taught me and shown me through this experience with Bobby that everything I experienced with him is often how we are with God. I have realized that the heartbreak I was feeling must be just a glimpse of how God feels every time I reject Him or His Ways, just as the joy I felt with Norah is like the joy God feels when we come to Him in complete surrender. God's heart breaks for us just as my heart broke for Bobby! Every time one of God's children rejects Him He feels that same pain I felt, and probably ten-fold. He sacrificed His Only Son for us, and when we reject Him He must experience that pain of losing His Son all over again, in addition to losing one of His children. You can sense God's anguish for His people's rejection here: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me." Luke 13:34. Our rejection of Him doesn't have to be complete rejection of His offer of Salvation. It can be something as simple as choosing to hold on to a worry or problem ourselves, rather than turn it over to Him and let Him bear those burdens for us. So, even though my time with Bobby wasn't anything like how I had hoped it would be, I have learned a valuable lesson about God's deep love for me. How much more His love is for me than the love I have for Bobby (or Norah), and how much more His heart must break when I reject Him or His ways! I am so thankful for His great love for me!! "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 

1 John 3:1a

He Knows....

Music has always been something that I really connect with and can really pierce into my heart and soul.  I really believe God can speak to us through music, at least I know He does for me.  Hearing the right song at the right time can lift my spirits, or confirm or deny something I've been praying for.  A song can remind me of so many of God's attributes.  And music is one way I really connect with God in worship.  I heard a song a couple weeks ago just a day or two after my heartbreaking situation I last wrote about that brought me to tears when I heard it.  It was almost as if God played that song right then just for me!  It was the song "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp.  Here it is...go ahead and listen...I'll wait...

Good stuff...huh!?  That song reminded me in those dark moments that God knew and knows at all times everything that I'm going through.  Nothing is a surprise to Him!!  In those days immediately following my heartbreak that song brought me much comfort and hope!!  Now when I hear the song it not only brings comfort and hope, but also such joy that I can rest easy no matter what my situation is because God knows and is in control!!  Jesus walked through the suffering and hurt that we go through; He knows what it is to lose a friend, He knows what it feels like to feel sorrow and joy!!  The line "You barely have the strength to pray" is one that really hit me.  How often have you just felt so broken and weary that you didn't even have the strength or will to pray?  That's ok because He already knows our needs before we even do!  Then that last part...it really got me!!  "Every time that you feel forsaken, Every time that you feel alone, He is near to the broken-hearted, Every tear, He knows..." Every tear!!  He knows every single tear we cry, and He wants to be the One to wipe away those tears with his loving embrace!! This song is just a simple reminder of God's all knowing, comforting heart for us!  I hope that maybe by sharing this song it can be an encouragement for someone else as it has been for me these past few weeks!  Just remember...He Knows!!!

Uganda bound...(When God makes lemonade out of a very lemony situation!)

It's hard to know where to even begin. I'm going to have to be pretty vulnerable and as we all know that can be quite scary...so bear with me if this seems as though I'm rambling or something. I have been dying to go back to Uganda since I returned from my last trip. My heart is there in so many ways, but over the last year or so it began to grow there in a way I hadn't really anticipated. I have made a lot of friends over there during my trips, but one of those friendships was just different from the very beginning. Without going into many details, this friendship developed into more and I began to develop feelings I haven't really felt before. (In case you haven't figured it out by now...yes...it was a man.) We talked nearly everyday, we shared our hopes and dreams, and we shared a vision of what the future could look like. I prayed about this relationship and friendship, and I began to feel like I needed to take the next step and return to Uganda in order to really see where this really might go. He begged me to come visit too, so when I was finally able to schedule some time off next month I bought a plane ticket. I was so excited for what this trip could bring, not only was I finally going to be back on that Ugandan soil, but I would be there with someone who had become one of my best friends and someone I could envision a future with! We began making plans and talking about how excited we were to be able to spend some quality time together. I was so excited! I didn't really share about the trip because we didn't want it to be a big deal. So I kept my excitement mostly to myself and my family and a few close friends. Then the bomb dropped...long story-short I found out very abruptly that this man I had given my heart to was not at all who I thought he was, and that much (if not all) of what he was telling me about his feelings for me were a lie!! He betrayed me and hurt me in a way that is almost inexplicable! I was crushed!! My heart shattered into a million tiny piece!! I was hurt, angry, heartbroken, and honestly a little dumbfounded! And then the realization that I had this plane ticket set in. What was I going to do now?? It was less than 4 weeks before I was supposed to leave and the plane ticket was nonrefundable!! I had no idea if I could even make new arrangements and accommodations this short notice. I felt completely at a loss and that I would probably have to just eat the cost of the ticket. Thankfully, though, I have some great friends who encouraged me not to give up. I began to pray that God would open new doors if I was still supposed to go on this trip, and I tried to just trust in His plans. So, I reached out to a few people to see if they had any ideas or tips on what to do. One of these friends came to my rescue in a huge way!! She has a ministry and offered to get a trip together for me!! I get to go visit and work at the children's homes my babies Bobby and Norah are at!! It was most definitely a huge answer to prayer and obviously a God thing!! I was and still am SO incredibly grateful!! God took this situation that was completely heartbreaking and seemed so hopeless, and turned it into an opportunity for me to love on my sweet sponsor babies and visit with some dear friends! I am so grateful for God's provision and faithfulness through all of this. His plans really are better than ours, and I'm excited to see how He uses this trip to continue to teach me that!! The trip will be here before I know it, and I am so looking forward to being back in that beautiful country that has completely stolen my heart!!

The struggle of this season...

Ever since my first trip to Uganda this Christmas and Advent season stirs up so many mixed emotions inside me. I LOVE this time of year and spending time with my family, but the last few years I have had a bit of an ache in my heart as well. When your heart is in two places I suppose there will always be that ache because no matter where you are, there is a part of you that longs to be in the other place. I see friends and family with their children, doing all those fun Christmas activities and my heart breaks a little wishing I could be having those same experiences with my Bobby and Norah. It's like my heart is divided in two and will never completely be whole again, at least not this side of Heaven. I think this quote from a blog I read says it so well:

"I want to tell you that it’s going to be ok, that if you give yourself enough time, your heart will feel whole again. But I can’t, and it won’t – at least not on this side of eternity, I think. When home is on both sides of the world, when you let yourself love people who are separated by a lot of miles and a lot of water, your heart can’t stay in one piece.

But, you know what? I think maybe that’s not completely a bad thing.

My mom used to tell me that love is like a candle flame. When you divide it, when you use the flame to light another wick, it doesn’t take anything away. It gets twice as bright.
Our hearts are flames dividing."

My heart will always long to be both here with my family in the US and in Uganda with my Ugandan family. I begin to feel broken at times missing my Ugandan family wishing I could be there. But then I think about my family here and realize it's not fair to them if I am constantly wishing I were in Uganda. And so that is when my heart breaks from the constant struggle to be in two places at once. I've been learning however, that God uses that brokenness to remind me of His love and Faithfulness. He weaps when I weap, and He wants to be the One to wipe those tears and make my heart whole again with His love. He knows my heart and He knows the perfect plan he has for my life. So while my heart longs to be in two places, I know God always has me just where He wants me for that specific time. I trust that there will be a time when I can spend this time of year with my family on the other side of the world, and until then I will do everything I can to be present right here where God has me right now.

Choosing to Hope and finding Joy...

I would be lying if I said these last few months have been easy...they've sort of been the opposite of easy actually. I know things could be a lot worse for me, and that things are a lot worse for a lot of people in this world, but I will be very honest and admit I was becoming very discouraged about a lot of things the last few months...my health, my job, and missing Uganda more than I could handle. The enemy is sneaky in his tactics to lure us away from the Lord. He uses little things like doubt, uncertainty, and fear to slowly pick away at our joy and confidence in Christ. I was quickly falling into his trap and letting myself doubt that I would be able to claw myself out of the pit I had fallen into. And right there is part of my problem...I was of the mindset that I had to get myself out of this pit of doubt and discouragement, but that is exactly why I was in the pit to begin with. I had been trying to get out on my own, and that was just not possible! The only way out of that pit was to allow God to lift me out!! And He has!! Only he can give us the strength and courage to face hard times head on. A lot of things haven't really changed much...my health is better, not perfect, but better; my job is still hard at times (night shift is killing me); and I still don't really have any idea when I might be able to go back to Uganda. So what has changed that I'm no longer feeling stuck in that pit? Hope! Hope is a common theme in the Bible. When I did a keyword search for the word "hope" on biblegateway.com it came back with 180 results! So what is this "hope"? To quote bible.org "hope is the confident expectation, the sure certainty that what God has promised in the Word is true, has occurred, and or will occur in accordance with God’s sure Word."  God's promises are true!!  Promises like the ones found in one of my favorite verses: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future."  With that Hope we can find real Joy!!  He has perfect plans for our lives, and even when things may feel bleak, He is still in control. Hebrews 6:19 says "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."  An anchor for the soul...think about that. An anchor, something relatively small in comparison to the vessel it is tied to, but yet it holds a firm grip on that vessel to keep it from drifting away, even in the midst of a storm!  Here are a few more verses that speak to the hope and joy we can find in Christ!

   

Psalm 42:5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." 

Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I've found in the last few weeks that when you choose to have hope in God's promises and faithfulness, you in turn find the kind of Joy only He can give!!  

"It was then that I carried you..."

This time the last two years I was preparing to to go to Uganda. This year I am not able to go and I have no idea when I might be able to back. My heart longs for that place like my lungs need air!! I thought I was going to be able to go last month, but I wasn't able to because of some health problems (yes...more health issues). My heart was crushed when I realized I wasn't going to be able to go. And now...not knowing when I'll be able to go back is almost as painful! I am in this season where I seem to be traveling deeper and deeper into a valley that seems like there may never be an end. I keep getting bad news, my health keeps acting up, and nothing seems to go the way I hope it does. No matter how hard I try to crawl out I just seem to sink deeper and deeper into this valley! I have cried out to God, and pleaded with Him for things to change, but they don't. I have spent nights crying myself to sleep aching to be with those special people I love that live half a world away! I have begged for just one month that I feel "normal" again, and I have pleaded that maybe, finally this test might give us some answers, but no answers come. I have read, and prayed, and journaled hoping for some magic writing on the wall type revelation, but I still feel lost as ever. I have felt like Jacob wandering in the wilderness only to end up wrestling with God. But somehow, deep down, I still have this hope and faith that somehow things will get better! They have to! I was able to go away for a weekend by myself a couple weeks ago, and I went to the beautiful little beach town of South Haven, Michigan. It was such a nice time of just being alone and enjoying God's beauty. I spent one whole afternoon on the beach; and I spent a lot of that time just thinking, reflecting, and praying. While I was there walking along the beach, hearing the peaceful waves hitting the shore, I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand". The one where a man looks back on this life and sees two sets of footprints, his and those of our Lord walking along side of him. However, during the hardest times of his life he noticed there was only one set. When he questioned the Lord about why there was only one set during those hard times the Lord responds by saying "It was then that I carried you!" I really hope when I look back on my life someday that there is only one set of footprints during this hard season, because I don't think I can get through it on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that God will be faithful and carry me through this difficult season, it's just hard to get my brain to wrap around that sometimes. A dear friend reminded me in a sweet letter I received the other day that sometimes these seasons of waiting and in the valleys is where God teaches us some of the most valuable lessons and readies us for the next big thing He has for us. I just hope and pray my heart and mind are open to His teaching and His leading ! In the meantime, I still long for and miss Uganda and all those I love so dearly there, but I know I will return there some way, somehow; and I know God is right here with me through it all!!

When God does give you more than you can handle...

We've all been through hard times, some of us harder than others, but everyone experiences hardships from time to time.  Something I've been learning (and am continuing to learn) over the past few years and especially the past few weeks is how to have total and complete trust in God.  Not just trusting in the small things, or with the easy things, but with the big, hard, personal things you want more than anything to hold on to!  It's not easy, and I certainly haven't perfected it but I am trying everyday to do better.  I mentioned in my last post that I have been having some health problems.  While I am feeling better than I was I am still not back to "normal" or back to full strength or stamina.  Unfortunately I found out this week that all of this is going to great impact my job more than I ever would have imagined.  The doctors and my employer have decided that it would be best if I am "reassigned" to a different area at least until this passes or they figure out exactly what is going on.  I couldn't believe it when I found out!  So now, not only is all this preventing me from going back to Uganda, but it is also keeping me from my job!  All I know is working with babies in the NICU!!  It is all I've done in my 10+ years as a nurse!  Questions upon questions start reeling in my head...Why is this happening? How am I going to do this? How will I adjust to a day shift schedule if they move me? I've worked nights most of my career! How will I afford the lack of the night shift differential if I get moved to days? What if I hate it? And on and on...  I was beginning to think this was all going to be too much to handle!  I wanted to stay positive but it was becoming more and more difficult!  But then, I remembered these words...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

We've all probably heard the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle".  While that is a great comfort to many, biblically its not totally accurate.  I stumbled upon a great article about this exact topic the day I found out about my job.  Definitely a God thing!  Anyway, the article was a great reminder that sometimes God allows hardships and trials in our lives to remind us of our complete and utter dependence on Him and Him alone!!  He DOES give us more than we can handle so that we can rely on Him to get through it and give Him the glory for it!!  It is just another way He draws us closer to Himself so that He can show us His love and Grace in our lives!!  So, in reality, we should really be honored and grateful for the hardships in our lives because it allows us to rely more on the One who carries us through!  Then we can boast about His greatness when we come through the other side!!  So as hard as these past few weeks have been, and as hard as the next few weeks may be, I know that in my weakness His strength is perfect and that His plans are perfect!! None of this is a surprise to Him!!  He has it all under control!  So, I will trust that He has a plan and will reveal it all in His timing, and when I come through all of this stronger and with more faith I will boast about my Great God and how He carried me through this difficult time!!  It may not always be easy, and I may feel really unsure of things at times, but I know God can and will get me through this if I just lay it all at His feet and humbly say "I cannot handle this without YOU!".